


We Should Quit, But We Love it Too Much

by spontaneoussquirrel17



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Ace Bruce Banner, Alcohol, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Amputation, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Anxiety, Bisexual Natasha Romanov, Bisexual Pepper Potts, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Catholic Steve Rogers, Cigarettes, Deaf Clint Barton, Depression, F/M, First Attempt at an AU, Fluff and Angst, Gay Bucky Barnes, Gay Sam Wilson, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jewish Bucky Barnes, Jewish Natasha Romanov, M/M, Marijuana, Mild Kink, Mutual Pining, Oral Sex, POV Alternating, Panic Attacks, Past Abortion, Past Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers, Secret Relationship, Shooting, Suicide, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unsafe Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2020-10-04 05:10:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 35
Words: 55,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20465549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spontaneoussquirrel17/pseuds/spontaneoussquirrel17
Summary: When Dr. James "Bucky" Barnes and his best friend, Natasha Romanov, move back to her hometown after grad school, he finally gets to meet all of Nat's childhood friends.  Bucky and Nat's friend, Steve Rogers, quickly fall for each other.  Too bad their employer and friend, Tony Stark, has a very strict rule about board members and managers dating employees...Chapter-specific triggers will be in the beginning notes for each chapter.Work title from "Sedated" by Hozier.





	1. We Found Our Sweet Disaster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nat invites her friends over for an impromptu housewarming party.
> 
> Bucky's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "Sweet Disaster" by Dreamers.

“I still can’t believe you got me that job at Stark Industries,” Bucky said as he carried boxes into the apartment he was going to be sharing with Natasha.It was an unseasonably cool day in August.Bucky was perfectly ok with that.Their apartment did not have air conditioning, and moving was hot work.

“You did it yourself, Dr. James Buchanan Barnes.I’m just the reason you’re not doing entry level work,” Nat said with a smirk as she took the boxes from Bucky.“It helps when the CEO was your babysitter.”

Natasha came from a wealthy, smallish-sized town on the west coast where most people knew most people.The biggest employer (besides the hospital and the school district) was Stark Industries; it was a Fortune 500 company that had been producing tech since the ‘70s.Its founder, Howard Stark, had lived next door to the Furies and their adopted Russian orphan Natalia Romanova.Hedecided that the best way to instill some responsibility in his wayward son, Tony, was to hire him out as her babysitter.Needless to say, the plan had not worked.

“Well,” said Bucky gratefully, “I appreciate it.”

“Speaking of old friends,” Nat continued as she set the boxes down, “Would you mind if I invited some of them over tonight for pizza and beer?”

Bucky looked around at the boxes everywhere, a bit surprised that Nat would consider having people over with the apartment in this state.He shrugged, though, and said “Sure.”

“You’re obviously more than welcome to join us,” Nat informed him in the tone of voice that told Bucky he was joining them whether he liked it or not.

“Fine with me,” Bucky said as he bent over a cardboard box labeled ‘kitchen’ and began to unpack it.

“Great,” Nat said absently as she began to text.“You’re gonna hate ‘em.”Bucky groaned.“Also, your new boss is bringing whiskey.”She walked out of the apartment, probably to get more boxes, as Bucky moaned and banged his head gently against a frying pan.Nat was the worst.

Bucky had barely finished unpacking what he could and arranging sturdier boxes in a pattern reminiscent of furniture when there was a knock on the door.Nat ballet-leaped across the apartment and opened the door before Bucky could even straighten up.“Steve!” she cried as she gave the man at the door a hug.“Bucky, Steve Rogers.Steve, Bucky Barnes,” Nat said as the man walked in.

Bucky opened his mouth to say hi and froze.He knew that Nat’s high school friends had all been guys.What he hadn’t known was that any of them were that gorgeous.Steve was easily 6’2” and seemed to have the shoulder-to-waist ratio of a Dorito.He was wearing a Nirvana t-shirt that stretched just slightly over his chest, indicating that there were some amazing pecs under there.He’d thrown a flannel shirt over it so it was hard to get an idea of what other muscles the guy might be hiding.He was wearing relaxed-cut stone-washed jeans that had been artfully ripped and torn.Black canvas shoes completed the look.His dark blonde hair was just a little too long— obviously on purpose— and his light brown beard was thick and neatly trimmed.His blue eyes were soft and warm and his pink lips smiled invitingly.To cap it all off, he was carrying four six-packs of Bucky’s favorite beer.

Nat’s laugh brought Bucky back to his senses.“You didn’t tell me your friends were _hot_,” he snarked at her.Steve joined in laughing at that point.

“That’s ‘cause Steve’s taken,” Nat informed Bucky as she took two of the six-packs from Steve and put them in the fridge.

Steve set the other two six-packs on the kitchen island and rubbed the back of his neck, pinking up slightly from embarrassment.It was adorable.“Actually,” he said, looking at Nat sheepishly, “Peggy and I weren’t doing well long distance so we broke up.We decided it would be better to just be friends.”

Nat looked surprised.Bucky appreciated the hell out of anyone who could surprise Nat.It didn’t happen very often.“When did that happen?” she demanded.

“About six months ago,” Steve said, now scuffing his foot along the baseboard.“Guess I forgot to mention.”

They were interrupted by the door slamming open and someone running and jumping into Nat’s arms.She caught him reflexively and starting laughing.“Clint, you fucker, you haven’t changed a bit,” Nat said fondly as she set him down.

“Knock knock,” said a voice Bucky recognized as Tony Stark.He was with a woman Bucky didn’t know and Bucky’s other boss, Dr. Bruce Banner.“The party’s here!” Tony announced as he walked in and set a bottle of expensive whiskey on the counter next to Steve’s craft beer. 

The woman set down the boxes of pizza and salad she was carrying and walked over to Bucky.“Hi, I’m Pepper,” she said warmly.“I’m the CFO of Stark Industries and Tony’s fiancee.”

“Good to meet you,” Bucky said.From what he knew of Tony he was incredibly surprised to learn the man had a fiancee.Bucky distinctly remembered tabloid photos of the guy at a Playboy party with about six different girls hanging off of him.

Bucky was beginning to feel a lot of apprehension as he watched Nat and her friends in the kitchen, talking and laughing.Tony was pouring himself another whiskey.Bruce had brought marijuana and was rolling a joint.Pepper was laughing at something Nat had said, her arm around Tony.These people were supposed to be his bosses.It was Friday night.On Monday he’d be answering to them, calling them Dr., sir, and ma’am.He sat down on the nearest box with his legs spread and rested his arms on his thighs, shaking his head.This was insane.

Steve walked over to where Bucky was sitting and handed him a beer and a plate of pizza.“You ok, kid?” he asked as he settled onto the floor next to Bucky and took a bite of his own pizza.

“‘M not a kid,” Bucky grumbled, but he gratefully took a swig of the beer.It still bothered him that his baby face meant people were constantly assuming he was still in high school.He had his PhD, for fuck’s sake.

“You sure look like one, the way you’re lookin’ at us,” Steve teased.

Bucky glared at Steve.Was the guy riling him up on purpose?“My boss is currently tossing back whiskey like it’s water and my supervisor is lighting a joint,” Bucky told Steve.“And I don’t even start until Monday.What the hell am I supposed to do?”

“Eat some pizza, drink some beer, and don’t worry about it,” Steve said with a shrug.“You’re not gonna behave any worse than Clint and Tony do when they’re wasted.Besides, you even said yourself you don’t start until Monday.They’re not technically your employers yet.”Steve took a bite of his pizza and then wiggled his eyebrows playfully.“It also means we’re not coworkers yet,” he told Bucky with a sly smile.

“Oh God,” Bucky groaned.“Do ALL of you work for SI?”

Steve waited until he’d swallowed his bite of pizza before he answered.“All except Nat,” Steve said.“Nat won’t tell us what she does.But Clint works as a security patrol and I’m head of visual advertising, plus I sit on the board of directors.”Bucky stared at Steve like he’d grown a third head.The guy couldn’t be much older than 30 and he was on the _board_?“Hey,” Steve said, curiosity spreading on his face, “_you_ don’t happen to know what it is Nat does, do you?” he asked.

Bucky shook his head, still gaping at Steve.The guy was hot, definitely artistic, and judging by his job positions probably loaded.And also, as a member of the Stark Industries board of directors, technically one of Bucky’s superiors.Which would put Steve solidly off limits.If he was even into guys in the first place.Fuck.

“What?” Steve asked, his forehead now wrinkling with concern as he looked at Bucky.

“You’re technically my boss too if you’re on the board of directors,” Bucky explained.

Steve shrugged and swallowed the last of his beer.“Not until Monday,” he reminded Bucky.“And not an issue unless you’re wanting to fuck me,” he added with a wink.Steve got up and walked back into the kitchen, apparently to grab another beer.

Bucky’s stomach flipped and he finished his own beer to steady himself.What was happening?Normally he was suave, controlled, flirty.Steve had him acting like a goddamn teenager.What was even going on?_Was_ Steve flirting?

Steve was now standing at the kitchen island, laughing at something Clint had said as he accepted the joint from Pepper.There were two freshly opened beers on the counter in front of him.Fuck.Steve took his two puffs and then looked back at Bucky and held up the joint, clearly asking if he wanted any.Bucky sighed and got up off his box.He’d never said no to beer, pizza, weed, or hot artistic blondes.It was like Steve knew Bucky’s every weakness and was pushing all his buttons at once.Bucky was in danger of liking Steve very much.

Bucky found himself fascinated by the reminiscences of Nat and her friends.They had all grown up together.Nat and Tony had even lived with Steve and his ma after their families had been killed in a car accident.Everyone but Clint had gone to the same college for undergrad.It didn’t surprise Bucky that Nat had, at some point, dated every single person in the room including Pepper.It did surprise him to learn that Steve had been tiny and sickly growing up.Except for a faint scar peeking out from his collar, just above his collarbone, there was nothing to indicate that Steve had ever been anything but the picture of health.Bucky found himself becoming more and more curious about Nat’s friend.

After a couple drinks Steve took off his flannel shirt, revealing the most ridiculously buff arms Bucky had ever seen.He accidentally brushed against Bucky’s arm as he discarded the flannel, causing Bucky’s stomach to swoop and Bucky to automatically glance over at Steve.He realized Steve was also looking at him and turned away, almost blushing.Steve began to shift every so often, “accidentally” brushing against Bucky each time.Bucky thought he recognized this move.He casually set his elbows on the table, just wide enough to touch and keep contact with Steve’s arm.Steve didn’t move away.Interesting.

Everyone was sitting on the floor and quite drunk when Clint began a reminiscence about playing spin the bottle in high school, which is probably what gave Tony the idea.The whiskey bottle was empty and had been replaced with a bottle of vodka.Tony grabbed the empty whiskey bottle and declared that they would play a round right there and now.Pepper glared at him as he took the initiative to spin.She softened as the bottle landed on her.Tony, with a conspiratorial wink, began to make out with her. 

Nat went next.She spun and the bottle landed on Bucky.She leaned over and they kissed, full on, the way they did when Nat wanted Bucky to help her annoy someone.Judging by the look on Clint’s face it seemed to be working.

Bruce would have been next, but he shook his head.“I think I’d better get these two home,” he said, pointing his thumb at Tony and Pepper.They were still making out.“Great to see you, Nat.Wonderful to meet you, Bucky.I look forward to working with you.See you, Clint.”Bruce gave Nat a hug, Bucky a handshake, and Clint a nod.Then, in a move that exhibited much more physical prowess than Bucky was prepared to expect, Bruce lifted Tony and Pepper as a unit and carried them out of the apartment.

“My turn,” Clint declared.He spun the bottle and it landed on Steve.Steve laughed and gave him a quick peck before settling back down.He set his hands behind him and leaned into them.Bucky was sure that the slight contact with his shoulder that this resulted in was on purpose.It sent a shiver down his spine.Steve looked at Bucky with his eyebrows raised but said nothing.

“Your turn,” Nat reminded Steve.

“Oh, right,” Steve said, a bit surprised.He spun the bottle and it landed on Nat.The kiss Steve gave Nat was quite a bit less chaste than the one he had given Clint.Clint was now openly glowering at Nat.

Bucky spun and it landed on Steve.He saw laughter and something else on Steve’s face.It made Bucky’s stomach flutter and he felt irrationally angry and scared.He wanted to punch Steve with his mouth.So, that was exactly what Bucky did.He pulled Steve in and pressed his lips against Steve’s as hard as he could.It was easy to slip his tongue between Steve’s lips where they parted in surprise.He ran his tongue in a circle around Steve’s lips, taking in their softness and the taste of vodka.Bucky broke the kiss the moment Steve started to kiss back.

Bucky pulled away and nodded at Steve with a self-satisfied smirk.The laughter was gone from Steve’s face.He looked shocked.Nat spun again and the bottle landed on Clint.They began to make out.Steve’s eyes remained focused on Bucky, however.His shock was slowly being replaced by a look Bucky recognized as determination and desire.

He felt a thrill as he watched the change in Steve’s face.Bucky knew he shouldn’t want to sleep with a guy who was on the board of directors for the company he was about to work for.Steve ticked all his boxes, though.On top of that he inspired something in Bucky— a sort of calmness, tinged with a strong desire to— well, to punch him in the face with his lips.

Nat and Clint didn’t bother to say anything.They simply got up, still wrapped up in each other, and made their way to Nat’s bedroom.The door slammed shut and Nat’s bed began to creak.Bucky and Steve continued to watch each other.

Steve pounced without warning.There was no other word for it.He pushed Bucky back onto the floor and kissed him, full of alcohol and unrestrained desire.Bucky kissed back, just as drunk and desirous as Steve.He realized he had begun to grind his hips against Steve and that Steve was doing the same.He moaned into Steve’s mouth.

Steve pulled away, panting.“You clean?” he asked Bucky.

“Yeah,” Bucky answered.“You?”

“Yeah,” Steve said.“You gonna regret this in the morning?”

Bucky looked at Steve appraisingly for a moment.Then he shimmied out from under Steve and lined up six shot glasses, pouring them full of vodka.If they were both completely wasted Bucky knew he’d be less likely to regret his actions.He pushed three towards Steve, sloshing them slightly.Bucky downed his three shots and then replied, “No.”

Steve looked like he had some misgivings.However, he told Bucky, “Alright, then,” and downed the shots Bucky had poured for him.Bucky grabbed Steve’s hand and led him towards his bedroom, both of them stumbling slightly.


	2. Passed Out in Your Dirty Clothes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve finds himself very interested in Bucky.
> 
> Steve's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "Sweet Disaster" by Dreamers.

Steve woke up with the sun streaming onto his face.He groaned to himself quietly as he checked his StarkWatch and realized it was just after 6 a.m.He started to stretch and froze as his foot made contact with another leg under the covers.He wasn’t alone in the bed.Then he realized it wasn’t his bed.

He was still wearing underwear, so that was hopefully a good sign.Given his headache and the fact that he couldn’t remember getting into bed last night he had obviously had too much to drink.He’d wanted to impress Nat’s friend.He’d seen pictures and knew Bucky was pretty, and Nat’s stories had made him sound like a really cool guy.What Steve hadn’t been prepared for was the sheer magnetic force of Bucky’s personality when he’d walked into Nat and Bucky’s apartment.He fervently hoped that the leg he had accidentally kicked belonged to Bucky.Waking up with Clint was awkward and the last time he’d woken up with Nat, well…Steve braced himself and looked over.

Bucky’s long black hair had come loose from its braid and hung over his face in silky strands.His mouth was open and he was drooling into his pillow.His long dark eyelashes rested gently against the bags under his eyes.Bucky’s jaw was set off nicely by thick, dark stubble.He was beautiful.And on Monday, he was going to be one of Steve’s employees.

The bad thing about living in this town, Steve reflected, was that everyone was either an employee of Stark Industries or was related to someone who was.As a board member and a manager it really shrank the pool of people he could date without it looking like some weird power imbalance.Not that he really wanted to date most of the people living here anyway, since he’d known a significant number of them since elementary or middle school and the vast majority had bullied him at some point.

Steve’s stomach rumbled and he sighed.He got up and used the bathroom, including a brief vomiting session into the toilet, then went to the kitchen and started rummaging.He was impressed to find that it was well stocked and organized except for the one thing at the top of his mind— food.Steve sighed and checked the time again.6:30 a.m.He could probably make it to the store and back before anyone else got up.At the very least they were going to need coffee.

It only took Steve about twenty minutes to get to the corner store, buy breakfast supplies, and return.He found Nat waiting for him in the kitchen when he arrived.“Breakfast,” Steve said, raising his arms a bit to indicate the bags he was holding.He left his sunglasses on as he proceeded to pull out ingredients and supplies and start making pancakes.

“I haven’t seen you this hungover since freshman year,” Nat remarked.She was perched on the counter and was sipping from a glass that Steve hoped contained water, but might have actually contained the hair of the dog that bit her last night.

Steve shrugged.“Been a while since we had a party,” he replied.He handed Nat the bag of coffee, hoping she would do something more useful than needling him.She took it from him and set it on the counter next to her.Bitch.Steve never called women bitches, but Nat was the exception.She wore the title as a badge of honor.Pepper once gave Nat a shirt with the word emblazoned on the chest.Nat had worn the shirt every day for the next month and refused to answer when her friends called her anything else.The only time Steve hadn’t called her a bitch after that was when they’d been fighting.

“Steve,” Nat said slowly, now pulling out her pocketknife and beginning to clean her fingernails with it, “If it ever comes down to you or Bucky, I’m going to choose Bucky.”

Steve looked at Nat, surprised.“Natasha?” he asked.He was too hungover to understand what she was saying.

“You heard me,” Nat said.She was being a little too casual.It was times like this when they really wondered what Nat did for a living.“If you break Bucky’s heart, we’re done.I know we’ve been friends longer, Steve, but Bucky’s like my little brother, and he has an unfortunate knack for dating assholes.”

Steve shook his head as he began to heat the electric griddle he’d found.Nat had never been able to cook.The kitchen things must all be Bucky’s.“Look, Nat,” he said.He wondered if he sounded as tired as he felt.“Come Monday Bucky’s going to be a Stark Industries employee.Nothing can happen between us.You know Tony and Pepper only get away with it because they’ve been dating since college.”Steve hesitated for a moment, then asked, “Little brother?”Nat had literally lived with Steve and his ma for all of their teenage years, but despite that, they’d never seen each other as siblings.

Nat finished cleaning her fingernails and shut her pocketknife with a quiet click.“He’s four years younger than us,” was all Nat told him.“He went straight to grad school out of undergrad.You’re probably not ready to settle down so soon after breaking up with Peggy, so I doubt you’re in too much of a different spot life wise,” she said with a shrug.Nat picked up the bag of coffee and the filters and finally got to work.

“I can’t be involved with Bucky,” Steve said quietly.He couldn’t look at Nat.

“Can’t?Or too afraid?” Nat asked.Steve turned to look at her, surprised.“Steve, I’ve never seen you try so hard to impress someone the way you were trying to impress Bucky last night, and I’ve never seen Bucky trip over his tongue instead of flirting.”They heard a door open from the other end of the apartment.Nat pressed the start button on the coffee maker and hopped off the kitchen counter.“Think about it,” she said as she walked back towards the bedrooms.

Steve couldn’t do anything _but_ think about it.He thought about it when Bucky emerged from his bedroom wearing only his underwear.He thought about it as Bucky tried to take a sip of water and immediately started barfing into the sink.He thought about it as he gently held Bucky’s hair back and passed him a sports drink.He thought about it as Bucky gratefully nibbled the dry pancake Steve handed him.

They spent the morning lazing around.Steve had no desire to go back to his empty apartment.It seemed even emptier now that Nat and Bucky were in town.Nat set up the TV and a video game system so they could play Mario Kart.Steve learned that Bucky trash-talked even worse than Natasha.Clint eventually got up and joined them.There were only three controllers, so they switched off and took turns showering.

When it was Steve’s turn for the shower Bucky eyed him and said, “Feel free to borrow a change of clothes.”

Steve looked at Bucky doubtfully.“Are you sure we’re the same size?” he asked.Bucky wasn’t exactly tiny— he had some nice muscle definition, Steve had to admit— but clothes tended to fit Steve oddly.

“You stretch out my shirt, you buy me a new one,” Bucky said casually, his eyes back on he video game screen now.“At the very least my underwear oughta fit, since your waist is so goddamn tiny.Anyone ever tell you you look like a Dorito, Rogers?”

Steve nearly squeaked in embarrassment.Nat had been right when she’d said Bucky was ordinarily a flirt.Apparently he’d managed to get some of his wits about him now that he was sober.

Bucky’s underwear fit perfectly.Steve made a mental note that he owed Bucky a new t-shirt.


	3. Ask Me What the Hell I'm Looking for Like You Don't Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nat and Bucky invite Clint and Steve to go to IKEA with them. Clint's driving makes Steve nervous. Fortunately, Bucky has a solution...
> 
> Bucky's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "Sweet Disaster" by Dreamers.

“We were gonna go to IKEA this afternoon,” Nat said.They were taking a break from video games to eat some leftover pizza for lunch.Bucky was feeling significantly more human after his shower and some food.“You two want to join us?” she asked Steve and Clint.

“Sounds like a date,” Clint said, winking at Nat.

“You hear that, Rogers?” Bucky asked, fluttering his eyelashes at Steve.“It’s a _date_.”

Steve laughed.“Yeah, alright, I’ll come,” he told Nat.“But just for the meatballs,” he added, looking at Bucky.Bucky could see desire and restraint warring in Steve’s face.It was adorable.

Now that Bucky was over his initial shock he was able to acknowledge that he was deeply attracted to Steve.Bucky had heard a fair amount about him from Nat over the years.She’d apparently broken Steve’s heart quite badly and quite unintentionally when she’d turned down his marriage proposal after undergrad.Nat always emphasized that both she and Steve were to blame; according to her, Nat hadn’t made it clear that she wasn’t interested in something long-term and Steve had never directly said that he was.Bucky knew it had taken a long time for Nat and Steve to repair their friendship.Nat always described Steve as the artsy yet reliable one; the friend everyone called when they were in a tight corner.Add a successful career and a physique that made him look like an underwear model and it was honestly a miracle he was single.

Steve had reminded Bucky last night that Bucky wasn’t technically an SI employee until after the weekend.He knew Steve was interested— Bucky had never had anyone hold his hair back while he vomited the way Steve had that morning.He’d seen the quick glances Steve kept giving him.It was stupid, Bucky reminded himself.He’d never been good at keeping his heart out of things.But— well, Bucky had about 45 hours before he was a Stark Industries employee and Steve had the power to hire, fire, or promote him.Maybe he could have just one weekend of happiness before he spent the rest of his life on the corporate grind.

When Nat and Clint went to get ready to leave Bucky turned to Steve.Before he could say anything, though, Steve quickly asked, “Did we… did anything happen last night?”He blushed deep pink.Bucky was willing to bet that blush travelled far beyond the collar of Steve’s— his, actually— t-shirt.God, it was sexy that Steve was wearing his clothes.

“We didn’t,” Bucky answered.“You passed out,” he added sympathetically.

“Oh,” Steve said, relief and disappointment washing over his face.

Bucky flashed Steve his most wicked smile.“But as someone reminded me last night, I’m not actually an employee until Monday.So if you wanted to try again tonight…” he said, his voice low and sultry.He gave Steve a wink and then got up and walked to his room to get a pair of socks, completely aware of how his ass looked in his skinny jeans.He risked a glance back before going through the door.Steve was staring at him hungrily.Bucky’s insides leapt in victory.He decided to put on some cologne, too.

They took Clint’s beat up two-door pickup truck into the city to go to IKEA.Nat had claimed shotgun, which meant that Steve and Bucky were stuck in the tiny bucket seats behind the front bench seat.They quickly realized that this was not going to work and ended up huddled next to each other on the floor instead.Bucky’s heart sank when he checked his map app and discovered that they were looking at a minimum of an hour’s drive time.

“I’m gonna kill you if you get us killed, Clint,” Steve grumbled.Clint turned to look at Steve, taking his eyes off the road, and made a show of turning off his hearing aids before turning back forward.Steve turned pale.

“You worry too much,” Nat remarked.She put in her StarkPods and began to listen to a podcast.

Bucky looked at Steve, who still seemed to be nervous about Clint’s driving.“You know what always calms me down when I’m in a car with a driver I don’t trust?” Bucky asked smoothly.It was worth a shot, he figured.

“What?” Steve asked skeptically, not taking his eyes off of Clint’s hands, which were currently fiddling with the AC and holding a cup of coffee instead of being on the steering wheel where they belonged.

“This,” Bucky said, and he kissed Steve gently on the lips.He backed away slowly, trying to gauge if it had been too much.At the very least he’d succeeded in distracting Steve.Steve was now staring at him instead of the steering wheel.

Steve’s eyes flicked up to Clint and Nat before settling back on Bucky.Bucky knew he was reaching the same conclusion Bucky had.With Clint’s hearing aids off and Natasha engrossed in her podcast, neither of them had any reason to pay attention to Steve and Bucky where they were huddled in the back.“Oh, what the hell,” Steve muttered, and he leaned into Bucky and kissed him.

Bucky had experienced many different kisses.Boring kisses.Drunk kisses.Friendly kisses.Kisses that made him see sparks.Kisses that made him never want to see the other person again.

Kissing Steve was like none of those.

Kissing Steve was incredible.It was a dull tingle that rose from his balls all the way up to his chest and lodged there, filling Bucky’s heart until he thought he would burst.It was warmth and wetness and taste.It was experimentation; showing each other what they liked, learning each other’s bodies as their hands held and touched and tangled.It was forgetting the rest of the world existed.But most importantly, and somewhat dangerously, Bucky’s kiss-drunk mind tried to warn, Steve’s kiss was _home_.

Nat and Clint had to physically pull them apart when they got to IKEA.Bucky looked at Steve with awe and wonder.Steve’s pupils were dilated; his shirt was rucked up, showing a hint of hair and defined abs.His cheeks were flushed and his hair was mussed.Bucky had never seen anyone so beautiful.He was well and truly fucked.


	4. Dreaming Like it's 1984

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluffy IKEA date!
> 
> ... and a little bit of angst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Discussion of past abortion. Author's commentary in the end notes.
> 
> Chapter title from "Sweet Disaster" by Dreamers.

Steve didn’t want to stop touching Bucky.They only had— he checked his watch— 43 hours left.43 hours to fit a lifetime’s worth of love into before they would have to pretend this hadn’t happened.Steve groaned inwardly when he realized he’d used the L-word.Steve loved easily, but falling for someone in less than 24 hours had to be a new record for him.

They held hands as they wandered through the maze of rooms.Bucky managed to give Nat his input on items that affected both of them— for instance, they had both taken one look at the couches before looking at each other and saying “NO” in loud unison.For the rest they would divide and conquer.

Steve found himself pretending that he and Bucky were looking for an apartment they would be sharing together.Bucky easily fell in, jokingly pointing out all the most horrendous pieces of furniture and suggesting they get them.Things turned a little more serious once they reached the bedroom section, though, since Bucky needed a new bed frame.The way he looked at Steve when he suggested they both bounce on it to test it was downright sinful.The one Bucky picked also happened to be the only one in the place Steve thought was aesthetically pleasing.They apparently had similar taste in furniture.Shit.

It wasn’t until they got to the kid’s section that Steve realized just how much trouble he was in.The teasing look in Bucky’s face was replaced by longing as he cooed over the adorable baby furniture.“I love that IKEA doesn’t do a whole lot of super gendered kids’ stuff,” Bucky told Steve as he picked up a stuffed elephant and squished it to his face.

“Yeah,” Steve agreed.“It’s kind of ridiculous how excessive it all is.”He smiled as Bucky put the elephant down and picked up a giraffe.“You want kids one day, Buck?” Steve asked.

Bucky’s eyes widened at bit as he looked at Steve, but he quickly went back to cuddling the giraffe.“Yeah,” he answered.“I think it’d be nice to have a couple girls.I have a sister— I always loved helping her with her hair and teasing her about dates.”Bucky blushed a bit.“You?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Steve said with a soft, sad smile.“That’s actually— I don’t know if you know I dated Nat for a while?” Steve asked tentatively.

“Yeah,” Bucky said.He must have noticed that Steve was looking uncomfortable, because he shoved a stuffed dog into Steve’s arms.Steve took it automatically and began to hug it.He’d never told anyone besides his therapist the full story of his and Nat’s breakup before.He’d never needed to— all of their friends had been there to watch ‘The Incident,’ as they called it, unfold.

“Well— the condom failed and Nat got pregnant,” Steve explained.“We agreed that we’d take a week apart and then talk about what we wanted to do.I felt like I was ready to go ahead and start a family.When we met up, Nat told me she’d had an abortion.”

Bucky carefully set the giraffe down.“She didn’t tell me that part,” he said softly.“But knowing Nat, and getting to know you, I can see it.”

Steve nuzzled the stuffed dog. Some of Bucky’s cologne had rubbed off on it, and the scent calmed him.“Eventually Nat realized she should’ve made more of an effort to talk to me first, and I realized that her choice really was the best option for everyone,” Steve said.He sighed.“Doesn’t mean I’ve never wondered what the kid would’ve looked like though.”Steve reluctantly put the dog back in the bin. 

Bucky pointedly picked the stuffed dog back up and put it in his tote bag.“Think about it though, Steve,” he said gently.“If you and Nat had raised a family, Nat wouldn’t have gone to grad school and met me, I wouldn’t have gotten hired on at Stark Industries, we wouldn’t have met at Nat’s party, and that make out session in the truck wouldn’t have happened.”

Bucky was making a very compelling point.Steve had also come to realize long ago that he wouldn’t have the job he did today if he’d had a kid instead of pursuing his MFA.“Well, I can’t tell her that, it’ll inflate her ego more than it already is,” Steve joked.

“Oh, don’t even start with that,” Bucky groaned.Steve grinned.They proceeded to talk shit about how awesome Nat was as they walked to the cafeteria.

Steve and Bucky met up with Nat and Clint in the cafeteria.Nat and Clint had already finished their meatballs and were waiting impatiently.“Sorry,” Steve apologized, feeling only a little bad for making them wait.His time with Bucky and being able to actually talk about his relationship with Nat had definitely been worth it.

“Bucky, give Clint your credit card,” Nat said. 

Bucky looked at her, startled.“What?” he asked.

“It’s either that or you StarkPay me for the cost of your stuff,” Nat replied.Bucky just looked at her, completely nonplussed.

Clint rolled his eyes.“Steve, when was the last time you had a night out?Not counting hanging out with us,” he clarified.Steve couldn’t actually remember, so he didn’t answer. 

Clint looked at Nat significantly.Nat nodded.“Congratulations, your night on the town starts now!” Clint said with a flourish. 

“We’ll pick you up at noon tomorrow.Just text us with a location,” Nat said.She grabbed Bucky’s tote bags and the slips of paper with furniture numbers and headed for the escalator.

“Wait!” Bucky called out, clearly still confused.

Nat just smiled back at them and waved.“Have fun!” she said as the escalator took her out of sight.

“I guess we’re on a date,” Bucky said, still looking dazed.

“Lucky us,” Steve murmured as he wrapped an arm around Bucky.He pulled him close and kissed him.He wanted to smile when Bucky kissed back, but his lips were fortunately preoccupied.They broke apart and Steve opened an app on his phone to schedule a ride into the downtown part of the city. 

There had been a driver only ten minutes away, so Steve and Bucky didn’t have long to wait.“Maybe we should find a hotel first,” Steve said nervously as the driver sped past suburbs and shopping centers.

“Yeah,” Bucky agreed.He sounded a bit breathless.

“You ok?” Steve asked, concerned.

Bucky took a deep breath and leaned against Steve.“I just don’t usually move this fast with anyone is all,” he admitted.“I talk a big game, but— well, this isn’t just me going back to your place, is it?”

“No, it isn’t,” Steve murmured.He pulled Bucky in closer and began to absently rub his shoulder.“We don’t _have_ to do anything, Bucky.We can even get separate hotel rooms if you want.”He tried his hardest not to sound disappointed— he wanted Bucky desperately.

“But I _want_ to, Stevie,” Bucky said with more earnestness than Steve had thought a man who looked and flirted like Bucky did was capable of.It was incredibly endearing.His heart fluttered.

“Then we’ll do it,” Steve said firmly, kissing Bucky softly on the forehead.He pulled out his phone and began to look for hotels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The only reason "The Incident" is a reoccurring plot point is because Steve and Nat are idiots who don't know how to communicate with each other. To the characters, it was the biggest fight between anyone in their friend group to date. Given the percentage of dramatic little shits in the group, that's really saying something.
> 
> Note the differences in how Nat and Steve described what happened. Nat focuses on both of their communication errors and being on different pages when it comes to how committed they're ready to be- the fact that a broken condom was involved doesn't matter to her side of the story. Steve, however, focuses on ~Nat's~ communication errors and his frustration with Nat for making the responsible choice without him.
> 
> I think it's also important to note that Nat's solution is the obvious, practical one for a couple of unmarried 22 year olds with career goals. Steve's solution is the more impractical, sacrifice play, "I guess this is my life now" type.
> 
> Was Steve's Catholicism in play here? Probably. But Steve's not an all-out dick. He gets that it was Nat's body and, as such, ultimately her decision. ... It might have taken him some therapy to fully get there, though.


	5. Dancing Like the Talking Heads

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Bucky stop in at a club.
> 
> Bucky's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wear condoms, kids.
> 
> Chapter title from "Sweet Disaster" by Dreamers.

Bucky couldn’t believe what was happening.It was like a dream come true.Steve had picked the hotel and had insisted on paying for it, which was lucky because there was no way Bucky could have afforded it.There were honest-to-God mints on silk sheets, for chrissake.With his student loan balance he’d be lucky to afford this sort of thing by the time he retired.If he could afford to retire, that is.

“Well,” Steve said as he finished his inspection of the hotel room, “At the very least we need to go back out to get condoms and lube.”Bucky inwardly groaned.He viewed condoms as a necessary evil.He must have rolled his eyes too, because Steve asked, “What?”

Well, in for a penny, in for a pound, Bucky thought.“I just wish condoms weren’t necessary,” Bucky confessed.“I’m clean, you said last night you were clean— but I know, I know, it’s better to be safe than dead.”He sighed, then realized that had probably come across as manipulative.That was the last thing he wanted.Shit.

Steve looked torn for a moment.“Oh, fuck it, this whole thing is crazy and irresponsible anyways,” Steve burst out.“I wanna fuck without condoms, you wanna fuck without condoms— let’s just do it.”

“Holy hell,” Bucky said, awed.“Anything else you wanna tell me while we’re at it?You gonna tie me to the headboard and spank me raw?”Bucky was starting to think he might be seeing a side of Steve that even Nat didn’t know about.Steve— careful, responsible Steve— might actually be an impulsive, reckless, and desperately horny bastard deep down.

“Do you want me to?” Steve asked, looking at Bucky with considerable interest.“I’ve always wanted to try being the person to do the tying up, but I’ve never had the chance.”

“_Fuck_, Steve,” Bucky said.This was incredibly hot.“Forget the corner store, where’s the nearest sex shop?” 

Steve laughed and stepped towards Bucky, pulling him into a deep kiss.“Let’s get going, Sweetheart,” Steve said as he pulled back.“We don’t have all the time in the world, unfortunately.”

The nearest sex shop happened to be right next to a club.Bucky had never been one to resist a club, no matter how shitty it might be— and with no cover charge this one was bound to be pretty bad.“Steve,” Bucky said, tugging on Steve’s arm and indicating the club with his head.Steve smiled and let Bucky lead him.Bucky noticed Steve make eye contact with the bouncer, who motioned them forward and waved them in.Bucky flashed Steve a smile in thanks.It was much too loud for conversation.

Bucky made his way to the bar and ordered them vodka shots.Steve’s eyebrows raised— they had gotten incredibly wasted the night before, after all— but he flashed a grin before downing his shot.Bucky ordered a second round, and then much to his surprise Steve ordered a third.

Bucky didn’t go to clubs just to drink, though.He went to dance.He’d grown up dancing.It was one of the things he and Nat had in common.They’d actually realized at one point that they’d competed against each other in a national competition when they were in high school.Nat’s group had beat Bucky’s by two points.

Steve tried to mouth something that looked suspiciously like “I don’t dance,” as Bucky led him out onto the floor.Bucky just flashed him a shit-eating grin.Steve didn’t have to dance, although Bucky firmly believed that everyone was capable with enough practice.With the exception of maybe one or two former sex partners, he amended.Bucky held Steve’s waist and forced him to stand still while Bucky ground up into him.Once he was sure Steve understood he didn’t expect him to do anything, Bucky let go and began to dance for Steve.He locked eyes with Steve and kept him there, trapped in his gaze.Bucky grinned slyly when he noticed that Steve was starting to dance too in spite of himself.

As the song shifted Steve led Bucky back to the bar for what turned out to be shots four and five.Steve closed out their tab and then followed him back out to the dance floor.Bucky realized with delight that Steve was now drunk enough to let loose.Even better, Steve Rogers dancing was _gorgeous_.

Actually, from a technical standpoint, it was terrible.His skills began and ended at being able to keep in time to the rhythm of the song.Steve made up for this with enthusiasm, however.He was more than willing to follow Bucky’s lead.Bucky couldn’t ever remember enjoying bad dancing more.This was not a good sign.

After about an hour they were soaked with sweat.Bucky led the way out of the club and paused in front of the sex shop to cool down.“That was amazing, Buck,” Steve said, grinning.

“I can tell you go to clubs often,” Bucky replied.

Steve snorted.“Yeah, that was definitely not my first time, obviously,” he said.His voice dripped sarcasm.

Bucky’s jaw dropped.“Are you for real?” he asked, shocked.

“Actually, yeah,” Steve admitted.“I always said no when Tony invited us out because he was into hard drugs back then.”

“Wait— how old is Tony?” Bucky asked.He knew that Tony was old enough to have babysat for Nat.How did he go from babysitting to inviting her and her friends to clubs to snort cocaine?

“Only 34,” Steve said.That explained a lot.Just old enough to be more responsible than Nat, but still young enough to be in high school and college at the same time as she had been.More responsible obviously being relative, Bucky thought wryly.

“Well, shall we?” Bucky asked, indicating the sex shop.Steve assented with a nod and opened the door for Bucky.Bucky stepped in and Steve followed him through.


	6. Some Nights Feel Like Every Night, This One Feels Brand New

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All good things come to an end.
> 
> Steve's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Steve is so dramatic? I love him.
> 
> Chapter title from "Sweet Disaster" by Dreamers.

Steve Rogers was not unfamiliar with good sex.He’d always thought he’d had quite a lot of it, actually.He thought he knew what he liked and what he didn’t like.He thought he knew exactly what he wanted from a sexual partner.

That was before he met Bucky.

Steve’s longest relationships had been with Nat and Peggy, and they both loved being dominant.Steve had loved getting pegged and being ridden.He wanted to take turns being in charge, though.That was something neither woman had been comfortable with.Steve realized as he watched Bucky groan with pleasure just from the weight of Steve’s gaze on him that maybe it was a good thing neither of those relationships had worked out.Being on top was _amazing_.

Bucky’s hips moved in ways that drove Steve wild.Steve had first seen it when Bucky was dancing.When they were actually naked in bed together, though, Steve could _feel _it.Bucky ground up against Steve, not just with desire, but with skill and grace.He knew what made himself feel good, and he clearly had a pretty good idea of what Steve might like too.

Steve found Bucky’s strength incredibly sexy as well.He looked more than strong enough to break the soft, faux-leather handcuffs they’d bought.Instead, Bucky just laid back against the headboard and looked at Steve with those sultry ice-blue eyes and that wicked grin when Steve stopped rimming him and started lubing up.Steve knew that Bucky could truly come free of his bonds and decide to change the dynamic any time he liked.The fact that Bucky chose instead to tease Steve, flexing his muscles and daring with his eyes, was the hottest thing Steve had ever seen.

Steve hadn’t had sex in well over half a year; he wondered how long it had been for Bucky.Prostate stimulation drove Bucky crazy— one touch and he was begging Steve to fuck him senseless and then ride his dick.It made Steve hard and desperate to watch the change come over Bucky.He worked his fingers inside Bucky, loosening him up, making Bucky’s muscles tense and relax with every brush against his prostate.The sight of Bucky losing control from fingering made Steve moan.

Steve pushed Bucky onto his forearms and knees and pulled his tight little ass up in the air.Bucky grinned back at Steve wickedly.Steve couldn’t help himself— he was still buzzed, and Bucky had told Steve to do whatever he wanted, so he slapped Bucky’s ass as hard as he could with his bare hand.Bucky’s yelp turned into a moan and he arched, presenting his hair in a way that invited pulling.Steve grabbed a handful and yanked as he sank his lubed dick into Bucky’s ass, marveling at the previously unknown feeling of penetration without barriers.It felt so much more intimate, somehow, in addition to the turn-on of doing something so reckless with someone he barely knew.

“Fuck, Daddy,” Bucky began to babble as Steve slowly began to pump his hips. “I want to be such a good little slut for you, Stevie, Daddy.You’re so big, Daddy, too big, opening my slutty little hole, making me take it, oh God Stevie, it’s so hot, you’re so hot, you’re so good, Daddy, so good…”

Steve came harder than he ever had before in his life.He collapsed over Bucky and slowly pulled out, then flopped over on the bed next to him.Steve closed his eyes for a second, needing to catch his breath.He opened them and started to ask Bucky if he was ok.Then he realized that Bucky had removed the handcuffs and was lubing up his fingers.“Ready, doll?” Bucky asked, low and dark.“I promise you,” Bucky said, barely a whisper, as he pressed his lips up to Steve’s ear, “Daddy gives as good as he gets.”

Steve shivered with anticipation at this and spread his legs wide as Bucky put the handcuffs on him.Soon, Steve was responding to Bucky’s fingering with babbled words of his own; words he’d never said before, just as dirty and rough as Bucky’s.Steve was hard again by the time Bucky filled him with hot, sticky cum.Bucky skillfully sucked Steve off, working his tongue in ways Steve hadn’t felt before.Bucky was hard again by the time Steve ejaculated into Bucky’s throat, so Steve reciprocated, trying out some of the techniques he’d just learned.They continued to explore each other’s bodies until dawn, eventually falling asleep in each other’s arms.

Steve was thankful that he’d set an alarm to warn them before they needed to check out of the hotel.There was no time to shower.“Wanna get coffee and go back to my place?” Steve asked as he absently traced patterns in Bucky’s chest hair.Bucky was still too sleepy to talk, but his lazy grin gave Steve all the answer he needed.

The first thing they did when they got to Steve’s apartment was fuck in the entryway.They washed each other in the shower, which turned into making out, which turned into figuring out how to finger each other at the same time.Steve called in takeout and they ate in bed, cuddling up to each other’s naked bodies as they talked about movies, books, and music.They had so many overlapping interests, Steve thought with a twinge of sadness.He didn’t want this to end.

On Monday morning their alarms went off at six a.m.Steve and Bucky had a quick, desperate round of morning sex and then got ready for work silently.Steve didn’t want to talk about what was going to happen in less than two short hours.Bucky seemed to feel the same way.

Steve donned his suit and drove Bucky to his and Nat’s apartment, where Bucky quickly finished getting ready.Once he was dressed and had this things he rejoined Steve in the car.The stuffed dog from IKEA was now in Steve’s back seat.Steve drove through a coffee kiosk that was on the way to Stark Industries and got them coffees and breakfast sandwiches.Steve wasn’t hungry, but he knew he’d need the energy.Bucky didn’t seem to be hungry either; he took a few bites of his sandwich before packing it away for later.

All too soon, Steve pulled into his parking space and turned off his electric car.He paused to take a quick look around before gently taking Bucky’s head in his hands.He closed his own eyes so he couldn’t see the pain in Bucky’s and kissed him, softly and tenderly.When he pulled away he saw that Bucky’s lips were still slightly parted and his eyes were still shut.Steve closed his eyes again and swallowed hard.He got out of the car and slammed the door shut.He thought dully that what he’d really slammed was the door to any chance of happiness he had left.He shut his eyes again.When he reopened them, he was steel.He strode towards the doors of Stark Industries with Bucky behind him and welcomed Dr. James Barnes to his new job.


	7. I Should Prob'ly Introduce Myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky encounters some small-town homophobia.
> 
> Bucky's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Homophobia
> 
> Chapter title from "Don't Threaten Me With a Good Time" by Panic! at the Disco.

Bucky’s first week was exhausting.On top of that, there was so much paperwork and so many trainings to attend that he barely had a chance to actually do anything related to his job.He wasn’t surprised that he didn’t see Steve throughout the entire week, but he was a bit disappointed all the same.The cherry on the shit sundae was that Nat had to travel for work and would be gone all weekend.Bucky knew that after the week he’d had he should get out— explore the town, meet new people, breathe in some fresh air.Instead he spent the weekend ignoring his depression by getting stoned and watching Netflix.

Week two was a vast improvement.Bucky began to actually work with Bruce and the rest of the development team.The project they were currently engaged in was how to marry computers and prosthetics to allow for something that would operate much like a real limb.It was a challenge, and the end result would make a huge difference in people’s lives.It was also incredibly top-secret.Bucky loved it.

Friday night Nat was on a date with Clint, so Bucky decided to go to the neighborhood bar.The place turned out to be a bit of a dive.He sat at the bar and watched the game that was on TV while he nursed a shitty beer and hoped someone would come talk to him.No one did.Everyone was there with their friends, and everyone seemed to know each other.Even the bartender was preoccupied with talking to his buddies, who were sitting at the other end of the bar.

Eventually a woman who was very drunk and looked twice Bucky’s age walked over and leaned on the bar next to him.“What’s your name?” she purred, fluttering her eyelashes.

“Bucky,” he responded.“And I hate to disappoint you, but I’m very gay, so if you’re looking for something besides a friendly chat you might want to look elsewhere.”

The woman glared at him and tottered on her high heels back to her friends.Bucky saw her tell them what had happened.A chill ran down his spine as he saw hatred and anger creep into their faces.He chugged the rest of his beer, left enough cash to cover it plus a decent tip, and left.

On Saturday Nat, Clint, Tony, Pepper, and Bruce gave Bucky the guided tour of the town.It was a cute place.There were lots of green parks with playgrounds and historic sites.The old downtown was chock full of antique stores, boutiques, wineries, coffee shops, and restaurants.They wandered around, Bucky showing appropriate interest when someone pointed out the park bench where they had their first kiss, or the alley where they had their first blow job, or the store where they held their first work job.

They stopped at a cute little cafe for afternoon coffee.During a lull in the conversation Bucky decided to woman up and ask the question that had been on his mind since last night.“How accepting of gay people are they around here?” he asked casually.

Tony looked at Bucky with a little too much surprise to be genuine.“Are you gay?” he asked.Pepper elbowed him in the ribs.

“Yeah,” Bucky said as casually as he could.“I had a woman hit on me last night and the way she and her friends reacted when I told her I wasn’t interested— well, just made me wonder if I need to watch out for myself is all,” he explained.

Nat was furious.“If that _ever_ happens to you again, I will take care of them personally,” she informed Bucky.The look in her eyes made Bucky suddenly question how many people she’d murdered.Not whether she’d committed murder.How many.

“It’s not worth it, Nat,” Bucky said softly.She glowered at him.

Bruce leaned across the table and put his hand over Bucky’s, giving it a little squeeze.“Someone correct me if I’m wrong,” he said, looking around the table, “but Clint, Steve, and Tony are straight and Pepper’s in a straight-passing relationship.I’m ace and aro, but being single doesn’t attract the same attention that dating someone of the same gender does.Not that being straight passing is exactly easy, but it means that none of us are really in a position to answer your question.”Bruce squeezed Bucky’s hand again.“We obviously support you one hundred percent, though.”

Bucky was glad Bruce had added that last part, because his reaction to the first half of Bruce’s statement was to want to laugh at the fact that he had assumed Steve was straight.Bucky was thankful when Nat asked what he was thinking.“Steve’s identifying as straight now?” she asked curiously.

Pepper shrugged as Bruce and Tony looked at each other.Clint was very focused on his coffee.“He hasn’t dated any guys since moving back here.Actually, except for Peggy, he hasn’t seriously dated anyone since The Incident.Steve’s a workaholic,” Pepper explained to Bucky.“When he’s not working on Stark Industries projects he’s freelancing.”Bucky glanced at Nat.He was sure that Pepper was referring to her breakup with Steve, but Nat’s face was impassive.

“I still think Steve was an idiot about that,” Tony said, shaking his head.

“Now, Tony,” Bruce said mildly, “Steve just wanted to do what he thought was right.Bucky, are you familiar with what we’re talking about?”

Bucky nodded.“I’ve heard both Nat and Steve’s sides now,” he said slowly.“Sounds like it was a bit of a… clusterfuck.”Nat shot Bucky a look.

“The good news,” Pepper said with a bite in her voice and a glare in her eye, “Is that we _all_ learned the value of good communication skills.Am I right?”No one dared to look at Pepper.Coffees were sipped, and then the conversation shifted to other topics.

After a month Bucky came to the conclusion that Steve was actively avoiding him.Their friends got together every weekend, but Steve never joined.At the very least Bucky would have expected to run into Steve at the grocery store or the lobby of Stark Industries, but even that didn’t happen.It wasn’t hard for Bucky to convince himself that Steve was ashamed of their weekend together.So Bucky threw himself into working, baking, and spending time with his new friends.If anyone had asked Bucky whether he ever listened to emo music on repeat or cried himself to sleep, he would have firmly denied it.He was older and more mature than that.It also would have been a lie.


	8. I'm a Scholar and a Gentleman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve overhears some old women talking about Bucky. What he hears is not nice.
> 
> Steve's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Homophobic speech.
> 
> Chapter title from "Don't Threaten me With a Good Time" by Panic! at the Disco.

Steve was having a hard time designing his newest freelance project.The company he was contracting with had wanted a wholesome young adult image for their product.All Steve could think about was long dark hair and a carefully scruffy beard.Friday night he tried cigarettes and whisky.Saturday he got stoned.He went to Mass at St. James’ on Sunday, hoping that the ritual would help clear his head.Instead, thoughts of Bucky got stuck in his head during the confession and lodged themselves firmly in his brain.Steve had never felt so guilty while kneeling for communion before.

Steve decided to go to Sal’s Diner after church to get some lunch and hopefully get some work done.Sal’s was a longtime hangout spot for the Avengers, as their friend group called themselves.The trend had started with Tony taking Nat there for milkshakes when he was babysitting.As Tony and Nat started bringing their friends with them the group grew, and Sal welcomed them all with open arms and extra maraschino cherries.

Steve was pulling out his art supplies while waiting for his burger when he heard the name “Dr. Barnes” from the booth behind him.He found himself eavesdropping in spite of himself.He knew the voices; Margie went to St. James’ Catholic as well.She frequently met her friend Tillie for brunch on Sundays once the Lutheran service let out.They were a couple of gossipy old bats, but they frequently had the read of the community opinion.A month had clearly been enough time for the community to form an opinion on Dr. James Barnes.Unfortunately, from Margie’s tone, it didn’t sound like it was a positive one.

“That Tony was always a little wild anyway,” Steve heard Tillie say.“Sarah and Dr. Wilson did their best, they really did, but with Howard being the kind of parent he was, well, he was never really going to turn out a model citizen, was he?”

“That Pepper girl really is a calming influence on him, though,” Margie said.“Nat’s the one that brought Dr. Barnes here and honestly, she should be ashamed of herself.Living with a man is bad enough, but a man like that!”

“Well, it’s not as though he’ll get her pregnant,” Tillie said reasonably.“And he’s not so bad to look at, or he wouldn’t be if he cut his hair and didn’t insist on dressing like one of those punk teenagers.At least he’s not pierced or tattooed!”

“Thank goodness for small miracles,” Margie said wryly.“He just doesn’t fit here.I know my girl is worried that he’s going to be a bad influence on the kids.So many of them seem to be turning gay; if they see a man like Dr. Barnes around!”

“Now, Margie, being gay’s not so bad,” Tillie said.“Although I’m sure I don’t know why Dr. Barnes has to throw it in our faces.”

Steve was thankful that his food arrived at that moment, because he wanted to ask just what about Bucky was considered ‘in your face’ gay.Sure, the guy had LGBT+ themed buttons on his laptop bag, but it’s not like he shoved the bag into people’s faces and forced them to read what was written on them.Besides, most of them were quite funny.Steve’s favorites were “I’m here, I’m queer, Gimme a beer” and a pink one that said “TWINKle” in silver sparkly letters.Not that Steve had taken the time to look.Or to check Bucky’s Facebook and discover he’d gone through a bleach blonde phase— both being and dating.

And ok, maybe most straight guys didn’t wear skinny cut jeans, but they looked good on Bucky.He was the first guy Steve had ever seen wear them in a way that looked professional.He’d clearly gone to a lot of effort to make sure he had good quality, well-fitting jeans.Which, sure, most straight men didn’t do, but taking pride in one’s appearance wasn’t a strictly gay trait.Hadn’t Mitt Romney once admitted to ironing his jeans?Wearing nice-fitting jeans was much less weird.

Steve did have to admit that Bucky’s taste in non-professional shirts did run a bit towards black, tight, and LGBT-positive band themed.Bucky owned a New York Jets jersey too, though.Not that Steve should have known that.

Ok, maybe Bucky did look hella gay.

“He just doesn’t look like he belongs in a place like this, Tillie.He should be in the city, or back in New York.Someplace where he fits.He’s a fish out of water here.Besides, who is he going to date?”

“Maybe that nice young Sam Wilson will come back to town,” Tillie suggested.

“Maybe,” Margie said skeptically.“But what about in the meantime?They say gay men need lots of… well, you know, and who’s he going to go with around here?One of our nice young men?”  
“Margie!” exclaimed Tillie.“Firstly, plenty of the young men here are not nice.I wouldn’t let my granddaughter date most of them.”

“Well, but still,” Margie persisted.The ladies were quiet for a minute.“What about that nice Steve Rogers?Do you think your Annie would go for him?”

“Steven’s a good boy,” Tillie agreed.“I think she’d do better to find someone who’s not Catholic, though.”

“Tillie!” gasped Margie.

Their conversation turned, and Steve’s attention flagged.So Bucky was considered a bad influence.Someone who didn’t belong.Not the way someone like Steve did.Steve wondered if their opinion of him would change if they knew that he’d not only slept with Bucky but had also been in relationships with men in college.

Now that Steve thought about it, though, why couldn’t a man like Bucky be so-called “wholesome”?What about him said deviant?Nothing logical that Steve could see.Perhaps the world needed more examples of men who looked like Bucky being used in ads that weren’t about sex appeal.Steve leaned over his StarkPad and began drawing.


	9. Champagne, Cocaine, Gasoline

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky goes to Tony's Halloween party. Obviously, vodka is the best way to cope with seeing Steve again...
> 
> Bucky's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "Don't Threaten me With a Good Time" by Panic! at the Disco.

The weeks flew by as Bucky began to settle into a routine.Good progress was being made on Project Winter Soldier, which was the name assigned to the high-tech prosthetics he and Bruce were working on.The Avengers, as Nat’s friends called themselves, hung out every Saturday.Bucky was firmly part of the group now.He no longer felt weird about hanging out with his bosses on the weekend, especially after Tony had informed him one drunken Saturday night that he needed to strip because he was getting the group tattoo on his hipbone whether he liked it or not.Bucky had complied, Tony had personally done the deed, and they had all done shots in celebration.He felt like he was finally where he truly belonged.

The only thing dampening Bucky’s spirits was the fact that three months had now passed and he still hadn’t seen Steve.

Tony held a huge Halloween party every year at his house, which was really more of a mansion.Bucky hadn’t realized what a big deal the party was until the day before.Tony had asked him what his costume was.Bucky had shrugged and said he’d figure something out.Tony had looked at him like Bucky had personally murdered his parents.

With Nat’s help Bucky managed to throw together an outfit that made him look like the lead singer of an emo/pop punk band.He did look quite sexy, albeit a little young, if he did say so himself.He’d had to shave off his beard to pull off the look.Bucky hadn’t worn that much eyeliner since he’d actually gone through an emo phase in middle school, he reflected as he looked in the mirror.It looked significantly better on him now than it had then.Nat had loaned him tight leather pants that barely covered his pubic hair (he wasn’t going to tell her he was unable to fit them on over underwear) that he paired with high-tops and an artfully ripped black v-neck shirt.

“Ready?” Nat asked.She was wearing a black ballerina costume, complete with red pointe shoes.

Bucky nodded.“Let’s hope I’m not the only gay at this party,” he joked, knowing that he probably would be.“I don’t want my outfit to go to waste.”

She smiled innocently.“Well, Steve should be there.Clint’s been assigned to make sure he shows since no one’s seen him outside of work in three months.”Nat paused, concern beginning to show in her eyes.“That’s a long time, even for Steve,” she added.

Bucky’s heart sank, even as his stomach leapt.He hadn’t been able to stop thinking about Steve.Bucky thought of him every time he saw his bed frame.Every time he saw the shirt that had arrived two days after their date to replace the one Steve had stretched out.Every time he went to work.Every time he masturbated.Every time he saw Steve’s friends.Hell, _everything_ reminded him of Steve.It was a constant ache that Bucky couldn’t ever seem to quite get used to.

Nat pulled Bucky over to the bar area as soon as they got to the party; apparently, this was where she had arranged to meet Clint.Clint was dressed up as Robin Hood, complete with a compound bow slung over his shoulder.“Clint used to be on the high school archery team,” Nat yelled into Bucky’s ear over the music.Bucky nodded.

It took Bucky a moment to realize that the man next to Clint at the kitchen bar was, indeed, Steve.His hair was down to his shoulders now and looked scruffy.He turned at Nat and Bucky’s arrival, and Bucky realized that he’d shaved just long enough ago to have blondish stubble.He was wearing almost the same outfit Bucky had first seen him in.

“Who are you supposed to be,” Nat yelled at Steve.

“Kurt Cobain,” Steve yelled back.He looked from Nat to Bucky and back for a moment, then asked, “Are you two supposed to be ‘Skaterboi’ by Avril Lavigne?”

Bucky and Nat eyed each other, surprised, and then cracked up.“No,” Bucky informed Steve, “But it works, doesn’t it?”He gave Steve a sly grin and a wink, more reflexive than intentional.Steve froze.

The atmosphere became palpably awkward.Bucky tried to look anywhere but at Steve, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away.Steve was staring determinedly at his beer bottle.To make matters worse, Tony chose that moment to barge over with Pepper and Bruce in tow.He yelled enthusiastically, clearly already wasted.His costume was an incredibly cool robot.Bucky found himself feeling jealous.Pepper was dressed as an aerobics instructor.Bruce was—

“The Jolly Green Giant,” Bruce sighed.“I thought the costume would be more recognizable than this.”

“You dressed up as a _vegetable logo_?” Clint asked, clearly horrified.

“You guys aren’t having enough fun,” Tony whined.“Wait here!”He disappeared and Pepper groaned.Before Bucky could ask what was going on Tony returned with a bottle of flavored vodka for each of them.“Drink up!” he exclaimed as he passed the bottles around.Bucky considered for a moment— he’d been planning on going in to work tomorrow, even though the company technically was closed the day after Halloween since everyone was invited to Tony’s parties.Then he realized he could endure the hell that was standing here sober while wanting Steve, or he could get drunk enough to maybe forget even seeing the guy.He unscrewed the cap and took a big swig as Tony cheered.

“I should really go,” Steve said, beginning to rise out of the chair he’d been sitting in.

“You will do no such thing,” Tony informed Steve.He sat on Steve’s lap to prove his point and shoved a bottle of vodka in his face.“So help me, Rogers, if you are physically able to go into work tomorrow I will fire you.”

“You can’t do that,” Steve complained, but he took the bottle from Tony and took a swig.

“Steve,” Tony said, looking remarkably serious for how drunk he was, “When was the last time you got laid?”Steve froze and looked horrified.Bucky saw him unconsciously glance in Bucky’s direction.Thankfully, Tony was too drunk to notice.“See?There are a lotta nice girls here who don’t work for Stark Industries and would be more than happy to ride your dick, Rogers.You need a break.”

“Why do you enforce that stupid rule about dating?” Clint grumbled.Bucky had an idea of why Clint was asking this.It did nothing to clear the tension between Bucky and Steve.

“You’ve never watched an entire department sue your father for sexual harassment,” Tony said, blinking owlishly as he tried to focus his eyes on Clint.“Besides, I don’t think I ever told you all this, but it turned out the previous CFO was trading sexual favors for promotions.”

“Which is why you brought on Pepper and became a dick about supervisors dating,” Clint said with a roll of his eyes.“Makes sense, but sheesh!That makes Nat, like, the only eligible woman in town.”

“Are you concerned about competition?” Nat asked archly.

“… Maybe,” Clint muttered.Nat just nodded, her hands on her hips.

“Tony,” Pepper whined, “You promised.No work talk.”

“Right you are, Babe,” Tony said.He got off Steve’s lap and walked back over to Pepper, wrapping his arms around her.“Let’s keep making the rounds, shall we?”

“Let’s go where we can talk,” Nat said.Bucky and Bruce followed her outside.Clint trailed behind, dragging a reluctant Steve.They found some lawn chairs and arranged them in a circle.Nat and Clint purposely sat in one chair, making their selection so that Steve and Bucky would have to sit next to each other.Bruce lit a joint and offered it to the others.Bucky declined, holding up his bottle of vodka as his reason.He didn’t like to mix weed with getting irresponsibly drunk.Bucky noticed that Steve did the same thing.Interesting.They unconsciously took large swigs from their bottles of vodka at the same time.

Nat, Clint, and Bruce talked while Bucky sipped his vodka with purpose.He was feeling very pleasantly drunk.He looked over at Steve and realized with a jolt that Steve was drinking the same way Bucky was— as though he had no desire to be in control of himself or remember anything.Steve’s eyes met Bucky’s and Bucky couldn’t resist giving him a lazy grin.Steve smiled back, clearly in spite of himself.

After a while Bruce wandered off and Nat and Clint started making out.Two women came over and asked if they could borrow a couple chairs.Steve offered them the chair that Bruce had vacated as well as his own.He stood for a moment as they left, looking uncertain about what he should do.“Share with me,” Bucky told Steve.He shifted over in his lounge chair to make room.Steve looked around hesitantly.Bucky was drunk, and he wanted Steve, and Steve was just _standing_ there, so he added “C’mon,” in his most sensual voice.

“We shouldn’t,” Steve murmured as he lay down facing Bucky on the chair and took another swig of vodka.

Hope sprang into Bucky’s chest at Steve’s use of the word “we.”“We’re drunk,” Bucky helpfully pointed out as he took another swig from his own bottle.“And so is everyone else.”

Steve stretched out a trembling hand and ran it over Bucky’s side, stopping and pressing into Bucky’s skin as he found one of the rips in Bucky’s shirt.He pressed his forehead against Bucky’s and whispered, “Tony would kill me.”

“Tell him I seduced you,” Bucky whispered back.“It’s ok, Stevie, I know you’re ashamed of me so it won’t be a lie.Just tell him you hate me.We were drunk.Pin the blame on me.”

“I could never do that to you,” Steve told Bucky.“And don’t you _dare_ think I would _ever_ be ashamed of you,” he added vehemently.He kissed Bucky passionately.Bucky kissed back, savoring the taste and feel of Steve’s lips on his own.Bucky’s vodka was whipped cream flavored; Steve’s was orange.Together they tasted like an orange cream soda.

Steve pulled away and Bucky heard himself whine.“Come with me,” Steve said, grabbing Bucky’s hand.He let go quickly, but he didn’t take his eyes off of Bucky.They sipped their vodka as Bucky followed Steve through the yard, into the house, and upstairs to a back bedroom.Steve locked the door and Bucky pulled the curtains.Bucky took a long swig of vodka to steady himself and then realized that might not have been the best idea, but Steve was doing it too, and then Steve was on him and they were on the bed and Bucky couldn’t get enough, he wanted Steve, and after a while his vision began to go and he wasn’t sure if that was because of Steve or the alcohol…

When Bucky woke up the next morning he was alone.He was also still fully dressed.He tried to move, but his head swam, causing him to lean over the edge of the bed and vomit into the trash can someone had helpfully placed next to the bed.Bucky moaned. 

Then he noticed the bottle of sports drink on the dresser next to him.There was a note taped to it.Bucky pulled the note off and read the neat cursive handwriting.It simply said, “I’m sorry.”

Bucky buried his face in the pillow and cried.


	10. You're Making it so Easy to Throw Myself Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky comes to Steve with a proposition.
> 
> Steve's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning: In this AU, Steve is a childhood cancer survivor.
> 
> Side note: This fic contains a fair amount of marijuana use, both medically and recreationally. If it is illegal where you live, don't do it. This fic is set on the west coast of the US, where it is legal for the characters.
> 
> Chapter title from "Sweet Disaster" by Dreamers.

Steve had a difficult time focusing the week after Halloween.He couldn’t stop thinking about Bucky.They way he’d looked in his costume.The look of pained acceptance on his face when he’d told Steve he thought Steve was ashamed of their weekend together.The way their kisses had tasted of orange cream soda.

Steve felt like he hadn’t really gotten anything done that week.When Friday rolled around and several people from his department invited him to join them for drinks when they were off at five, he declined.Six o’clock saw Steve still in his office, his recycling bin overflowing with crumpled-up sketches.

“This is really good, Steve,” Bucky— Dr. Barnes, Steve sternly reminded himself— said as he smoothed out one of the discarded drawings.He stepped all the way into Steve’s office and shut the door behind him.Then he carefully closed the blinds over the windows into the empty marketing department.

“Dr. Barnes, what are you doing,” Steve asked nervously.He had a feeling that something was either about to go horribly wrong or horribly right.

“We need to talk,” Bucky — Dr. Barnes— said as he leaned back against the door and folded his arms.“Do you want to talk here or at my apartment?Nat’s gone for the weekend,” he added.

“Anything you have to say to me can be said here, Dr. Barnes,” Steve said coldly.He was working very hard to try and convince himself that he could stay professional.All he could think of was the way Bucky’s hips had looked in those tight leather pants at Halloween.

Bucky frowned, which made Steve feel like a jerk.“Firstly, it’s Bucky,” he informed Steve.“Secondly, I don’t think this is working.”

“What’s not working?” Steve asked.He had a pretty good idea of what Bucky was referring to, though.His heart began to race.

“This—“ Bucky unfolded his arms and began to gesture, “You avoiding me.I can’t stop thinking about you, Steve.I’ve been so stressed I made six batches of brownies this week.Do you know what it’s like to fuck up and accidentally put a pot brownie in your lunch instead of a regular one?Because I did that on both Wednesday and Thursday and let me tell you, trying to edit code when the weed kicks in is pretty terrible.”

Steve couldn't help it.Bucky looked so annoyed as he told Steve what he’d done that he just started laughing.At first Bucky looked even more annoyed, but then his face softened and he smiled.

“Steve, please be honest with me,” Bucky said seriously.“At Halloween you said you weren’t ashamed of me.Is that still true?”

Steve hadn't been prepared for that question.“Yes,” he answered.

Bucky nodded.He was beginning to look nervous.“And do you— do you feel the way I do?”

“Yes,” Steve whispered.He could feel his heart breaking into a million pieces.Steve knew what the next question was going to be.There was no way to answer it without hurting either of them.He tried to head it off; maybe it would soften the blow.“I wish there was a solution, Buck,” Steve told him sadly.

“There is,” Bucky said earnestly.“Have an affair with me, Stevie.”

Steve froze and looked at Bucky, horrified and a little bit thrilled.“Bucky, we can’t—“ he started to say in a strangled voice, but Bucky interrupted him.

“I know it’s not fair of me to ask you to put your job on the line, but I figured if I ask you instead of the other way around, if anyone catches us it’ll just look like you can’t say no, not that you’re pressuring me,” Bucky said.“If the worst happens and I get fired, I’m sure someone in Silicon Valley would hire me.Or I could teach community college or something.Just say yes, Stevie,” he begged.“Please.Come home with me this weekend.”

Steve took a deep breath and tried to steel himself.It didn’t work.All he could think about was that he could probably survive for a while on his freelance contracts if he lost his job; maybe start that marketing company he’d talked about with Peggy.He could even pursue just being an artist.Besides, there was no reason to think he and Bucky couldn’t keep an affair secret.Not even Clint and Nat knew what had happened at Halloween.If their options were to mope separately or fuck secretly…

He felt a rush of determination as he looked at Bucky.Steve swiftly got out of his chair, crossed the room, and pressed a needy kiss into Bucky’s lips.Bucky kissed back and pulled Steve closer.Steve felt Bucky moan into his mouth as Steve pressed Bucky against the door with his hips, Bucky’s legs between his own, one hand pressing on the door to keep it from rattling and the other running up and down Bucky’s side.

He broke the kiss and looked at Bucky.Bucky’s expression was one of dazed happiness; Steve thought it might be the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.“Let me stop by my apartment and get some stuff for the weekend,” Steve said.He was surprised to hear how deep his voice was.

“I’ll order in,” Bucky said, a little breathless.“Pizza and beer ok?”

“Perfect,” Steve replied.He kissed Bucky again, this time more gently.It was a little harder to pull away, but he managed it.“See you soon, Dr. Barnes,” Steve whispered.

“I look forward to it, Mr. Rogers,” Bucky whispered back.

Steve Rogers had always felt deeply, and it had always gotten him into trouble.He learned how to hide his emotions and check out mentally when he underwent chemotherapy for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma as a teen.He’d always been sickly, but that experience had been the first time Steve had truly stared death in the face when he was old enough to comprehend it.It was easier to hide in music, art, and his drug-induced brain fog than to face his fear, anger, and helplessness.Everyone had commended him for coping so well.

Steve didn't realize just how deep into anxiety and depression he was getting until a year into grad school.After several months of isolating himself, Steve’s friend Sam Wilson had showed up on his doorstep to discover that Steve had been living on coffee, alcohol, and cigarettes, and that he was literally working until he passed out.Sam had given Steve a choice: Steve could go to a therapist willingly, or Sam would use his clout as a brand-new Licensed Clinical Social Worker to have him put on psychiatric hold.Steve had chosen therapy, figuring he would stop after an appointment or two.

He didn’t.Instead, Steve found himself keeping his weekly appointments.He and his therapist figured out a way for Steve to overcome his anxiety around medications so that he could start taking an antidepressant.He finally reconciled with Nat, spent more time with his friends, and quit smoking cigarettes.No one but Sam and Tony knew just how low Steve had been at that point in his life.

After years on the antidepressants Steve thought he was back to baseline.He felt things deeply again, although maybe not as deeply as he had as a child.That was ok with Steve— he was still afraid of the way he felt at times.He thought he was well again.

Then he met Bucky.Steve’s weekend with Bucky had made Steve realize that yes, he was feeling good— a lot better than he had been— but he was capable of feeling even better than good.He was capable of feeling deeper pleasure and happiness than he had remembered he could.The flip side of this was that saying goodbye to Bucky had hurt like hell.

As Bucky fucked Steve into the mattress later that Friday night, Steve realized that the choice he had made in his office earlier in the day wasn’t just about moping or sex.It had been depression or life.Running or facing his fears.Hiding or being open.

Being open had never felt so freeing before as it did now with Bucky.

Steve and Bucky ran into Tony when they arrived at work Monday morning.“How long have you two been carpooling?” Tony asked curiously.

“I didn't want to bike in this rain,” Bucky explained.“Turns out Rogers is the only person who checks his phone at six in the morning.Ironic, since he doesn’t check it any other time,” he added drily.

Tony rolled his eyes.“You have _got_ to get a car, Barnes,” Tony said.The elevator doors opened and the three got in, along with a few other people.Steve and Bucky sipped their lattes and didn’t look at each other.“By the way, Steve,” Tony said, “It was good to see that you’d gone out for the weekend.I stopped by to see if you were free for golf, but obviously you weren’t.”Steve read the hidden accusation in Tony’s words; Tony hated to think he hadn’t been included in something.

“I just needed some time to myself,” Steve lied.It was the first time Steve had ever lied to Tony.It was a little scary how natural it felt.“A weekend alone at the coast was exactly what I needed,” he added.

“Sounds a lot nicer than sitting at home getting stoned in your underwear,” Bucky muttered.Steve snorted.Tony shook his head.The elevator stopped at Bucky’s floor and he got off with a wave and a “later,” along with the other couple of people who had gotten in.The doors shut again.

“I’m glad you’re finally making an effort with Barnes,” Tony said quietly, now that they were alone in the elevator.“You both mean a lot to Nat.She’d never say it, but I think she was a bit hurt that you seemed to be avoiding him.”

Steve looked down at his shoes guiltily.“I just—“ he started to say and then stopped, unsure of what to say next.

“You’re not being homophobic, are you, Rogers?” Tony asked sharply.

“No!” Steve practically yelled.“Tony how could you even _think_— Sam’s one of my best friends, and so’s Nat!Pepper’s the best woman you’ve ever dated!”Steve was absolutely appalled that Tony could even consider that.“Hell, have you forgotten my own bi phase?” Steve asked.He immediately regretted phrasing it that way, but it was too late.Being bi had clearly not been a phase; definitely not the way he and Bucky had fucked over every available surface in Bucky and Nat’s apartment over the weekend.

“I just wanted to make sure,” Tony said apologetically.“I know Bucky’s gotten some funny looks out in public.And if you’ll remember right, your so-called ‘bi phase’ coincided with your drunk period after Ma’s death.”

Steve sighed.“I’m actually a little surprised you remember that, since you were coked out of your mind from the time the funeral was over until you and Nat got together after Pepper broke up with you for passing out at her parents’ house.”

Tony gave Steve’s shoulder a squeeze.“Your ma’s death was hard on us all, Steve.She was a saint for taking Nat and I in after our parents died.”The elevator dinged and the doors opened onto their floor, but Tony didn’t move.“I’d be dead by now from an overdose if your ma hadn’t treated me like one of her own,” Tony said softly.

Steve shivered.“Don’t even joke about that,” he told Tony sharply.

“I’m not,” Tony said sadly.He gave Steve’s shoulder another squeeze and then walked quickly out of the elevator towards his office. 

Steve felt a jolt of horror at Tony’s words.He smiled and waved at the marketing team automatically as he made his way to his office.As soon as he was inside, Steve shut the door and sat down quickly, taking deep breaths as he steadied himself.It was just like his Ma, Steve thought.Helping her children, even in death.

Steve allowed himself a moment to mourn.Then he turned on his computer, took a deep swig of coffee, and set about getting to work.


	11. Drifting Like it's 1974

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy Thanksgiving!
> 
> Basically pure fluff.
> 
> Bucky's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "Sweet Disaster" by Dreamers.

Work conspired to try and keep Bucky and Steve mostly separated for the next few weeks.Steve had extra freelance jobs to finish up when he wasn’t at Stark Industries.Bucky found himself pulling unusually long hours in the lab when some code broke.After just a couple days of this, Bucky found himself missing Steve more than he had thought possible.

Bucky's solution was to start going to the SI gym at the same time Steve did.For the first couple days they all but ignored each other.Soon, however, they determined casual little ways to insinuate themselves into each other’s routine.Steve offered to spot Bucky as he lifted. Bucky ran on the treadmill next to Steve.One day Bucky grumbled at the bubblegum pop music; the next day, Steve asked Bucky if he liked the new, alternative based gym playlist.Sometimes Bucky caught Steve trying to hide a smile as Bucky opened doors for people, or reorganized the weight rack, or helped someone out with a machine they were unfamiliar with.Bucky wasn’t sure why good gym etiquette made Steve so happy, but it gave Bucky a warm glow to see his smile.

Bucky was staying in town for Thanksgiving since his parents still lived in New York.Nat had explained their Friendsgiving tradition to Bucky after informing him that he was being “voluntold” to make the pumpkin pie.Bucky liked Dr. Wilson, who organized the yearly feast, so he was more than happy to bake for her.He had, however, been slightly concerned to learn just how messed up all his friends’ families were.

Nat, Steve, and Tony didn’t have any living family members.The only family Clint was in contact with was his older brother, but he lived in the midwest and they weren’t close.Pepper’s family lived on the other side of the country as well.Bruce’s dad was a very nice man who was extremely reclusive and couldn’t cook to save his life.Sam Wilson, who lived up in Tacoma and worked for the VA, was the only Avenger with a family that could be considered “typical.”

Dr. Wilson, also known as Dr. Mom, had worked with Sarah Rogers at the hospital.Together, the two women worked to raise the dysfunctional gaggle of teenagers alongside their own children.It was their influence that really cemented the group of outcasts into a sort of found family.After Ma Rogers died, Dr. Wilson had informed everyone that if they wanted a seat at the Thanksgiving table Tony was going to have to host it at the Stark Manor and they’d better all bring a side.When Pepper joined the group, she had jokingly called it “Friendsgiving” after a gag from _Friends._The name stuck.

Bucky was whisked away to the kitchen to help cook as soon as he and Nat arrived.Dr. Wilson was a tall, beautiful black woman who also happened to be the head of the surgical department at the hospital.She had a wicked sense of humor and was long used to being part of the town’s miniescule minority population.With their shared love of cooking and baking for others, she and Bucky got along like a house on fire.Bucky was almost finished peeling the potatoes and was laughing at something Dr. Wilson had said when she yelled, making him jump.

“You!” she said, waving her wooden spoon at her son, “and you!” she added, pointing it now at Steve, “Out!”

“We were just getting more beer,” Steve said, blushing.He looked down at the floor with embarrassment at having been caught.

“And I haven’t had a chance to meet Bucky,” Sam said smoothly.He walked over to Bucky and clapped a strong hand on his shoulder.“Sam Wilson,” he said to Bucky with a nod.

Bucky smiled.“Good to finally meet the other gay guy in town,” he said to Sam as he set down the potato peeler, his eyes drifting unconsciously to Steve.By the time he caught himself and shifted his gaze back it was too late.Sam and his mom were in the middle of exchanging a poignant glance.

“I suppose we could use more help,” Dr. Wilson said slowly.“If you can chop vegetables and drink beer at the same time you can stay.”

“Yes ma’am,” Sam said.He began to rifle through the cupboards for cutting boards.Steve pulled three beers out of the fridge, passing one to Sam and one to Bucky.Bucky turned so that Sam and Dr. Wilson wouldn’t be able to see his face as he looked at Steve lovingly.

Dr. Wilson smiled.“Sam, you’re on onions.We need at least four.Steve, you’re on garlic.You can move on to celery when you’re done.Bucky, be a dear and finish the mashed potatoes, would you?”

“Of course, Dr. Mom,” Bucky said with a smile as he picked up his potato peeler.

“How come he gets the good job?” Sam whined.

“Because I like him,” Dr. Wilson retorted with a grin.Steve shook his head and chuckled.He glanced back and caught Bucky’s eye, and Bucky felt a warmth flow through him that had nothing to do with the sip of cold beer he had just swallowed.

Once everything was either in the oven or ready to go Dr. Wilson sent them into the TV room with appetizers.Steve had grabbed fresh beers for them; he handed one to Sam as Sam settled into the corner of the loveseat.Bucky set down the cheese and relish trays he’d been carrying, took his beer from Steve with a smile, and sat down next to Sam.“Sit down, man, there’s room,” Sam said to Steve as he patted the back of the loveseat on the other side of Bucky.Steve laughed easily and squeezed in next to Bucky.

“This is the life,” Bucky joked as he reached his arms over Steve and Sam’s broad shoulders and playfully rubbed their biceps.Sam raised his eyebrows and grinned suggestively.Steve just smiled, shook his head, and took a sip of his beer.

Bucky was a huge football fan.He’d even played in high school; his ballet training had come in pretty handy when it came to both tackling and evading tackles.He soon found himself engrossed in the game.When Dr. Wilson came in to let them know dinner was ready, Bucky was surprised to find that his legs were tangled up in Sam’s and he was leaning against Steve’s chest.Steve had unconsciously wrapped his arm around Bucky’s torso.

Bucky stayed behind on the pretense of cleaning up the cheese and relish trays.Steve stayed behind on the pretense of picking up empty beer bottles.Once everyone was out of sight Steve wrapped Bucky up in a tight hug and kissed him.“I love the way you get into football,” he whispered.“It’s enough to almost make me want to understand what’s going on.”Bucky buried a laugh in Steve’s shoulder.Steve released Bucky with an affectionate smile and they finished cleaning up.If they bumped into each other a little more than was strictly necessary for the process; well, Bucky thought, it’s not like there was anyone there to witness.

The food was amazing and the conversation even more so.It didn’t hurt that Mr. Wilson and Tony were pouring wine like it was going out of style.Bucky found himself falling deeper in love with Steve as he watched him laugh and chat with his friends across the table.It was all Bucky could do to not just stare at him the entire meal.

Everyone who hadn’t helped with meal prep was put on cleanup duty.Dr. Wilson was the only one sober enough to drive; she took her husband home after giving them all cheery reminders to drink water and wear condoms.Everyone else would be staying at Stark Manor that night.

Steve, Sam, and Bucky sat around the table talking and finishing off open bottles of wine while the others did dishes (and, from the sound of things, shots.)After a particularly uproarious cheer Sam glanced towards the kitchen and then said, in a low voice, “Your secret’s safe with me, by the way.”Bucky and Steve started and looked at each other guiltily.“It’s ok,” Sam continued.“You know Mom and I are more observant on our own than this entire group put together.I’m just glad to see you so happy, Steve.You deserve it.Bucky, you break his heart, I’ll break your neck.”There was another loud cheer from the kitchen.“If you guys want to call it an early night I’ll cover for you,” Sam told them.

Steve and Bucky looked at each other and nodded.“You’re the best, Sam,” Steve said fervently.

“Any time,” Sam said as they hurriedly got up and made their way towards the bedrooms.

Bucky and Steve had to bite into each other’s shoulders to keep from making noise as Steve fucked Bucky, slow and sensual, trying to be as quiet as possible.Bucky loved to watch Steve as he came, all his muscles taut except for his face, which relaxed into perfect ecstasy.He wondered if he looked similar when he orgasmed, and if that was why Steve never looked away as he slid down and took Bucky’s aching cock in his mouth.

“I’m so thankful for you,” whispered Bucky as Steve settled back down next to him and kissed him, the taste of his own cum still in Steve’s mouth.They lay there for a moment, gazing into each other’s eyes.Bucky could see himself reflected in Steve’s baby blues, despite the darkness of the room.

“I love you, Bucky,” Steve said quietly.

Bucky’s breath caught.This was new.He was also positive he felt the same.“I love you too, Steve,” Bucky replied, his heart leaping as he said the words.They lay side by side, their foreheads and hips and legs touching, as they drifted off to sleep.


	12. Swimming Through the Morning After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Black Friday fluff!
> 
> Steve's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things get angsty next chapter, so enjoy the fluff while you can! (Muahaha...)
> 
> Chapter title from "Sweet Disaster" by Dreamers.

“Redhead alert,” Sam said as he flipped on the bedroom light, “Nat and Pepper are on their way.”Steve and Bucky groaned.Bucky buried his face in his pillow.Steve checked his StarkWatch.

“Sam, it’s four thirty in the morning,” Steve moaned.He covered his eyes with his arm.

“Yeah, and Nat and Pepper are waking everyone up to go Black Friday shopping.You’ve got less than a minute to hide your hickeys and get your underwear on,” Sam informed them.The sound of giggling drew close.“Shit,” Sam whispered.He jumped onto the bed, landing crosswise on top of Steve and Bucky.

“Time to get up,” Nat yelled with a grin as she opened the bedroom door.“We’re going shopping!”

“Aww, Sam already beat us to it,” Pepper said.She looked incredibly disappointed.

Bucky groaned into his pillow.“Nat, we’re Jewish,” he complained.

“_That’s_ why you’re cut,” Steve muttered without thinking.

Bucky turned to Steve and glared.Steve knew it was a reminder to behave.“You say somethin’ like that again, Rogers, I’m gonna beat your ass,” Bucky growled.

Sam sat up and bounced on Steve’s stomach, forcing Steve to gasp for air.“That sounds like a challenge!” he crowed delightedly.

“You bet it is,” Bucky snarled.“I was the best tackle on the Howler’s football team.Sixteen years of ballet really teaches a guy where his center of gravity is.”

Nat grinned.“All I’m hearing is shopping now, football later.”

“_Fine,_ Bitch,” Steve said.“Give us a few and we’ll be out, ‘k?”He groaned again and buried his face in his pillow.Nat was seriously the worst.

Steve always did all of his Christmas shopping online or at the small mom-and-pop stores downtown, so he and Sam hid in the mall Starbucks while the others shopped.“Tell me about Barnes,” Sam said as he sipped his peppermint mocha.“I thought he and Nat were a thing.”

“So did I, until I actually met him,” Steve confessed as he sipped his flat white.

Sam nodded.“How long have you two been together?”

“We’re not really together,” Steve said.The look on Sam’s face told Steve that he didn’t believe it for a minute.Steve sighed.“I’m in upper management and on the board, Sam, I can’t date an employee.”

It was Sam’s turn to sigh.“From every normal ethical standpoint, you shouldn’t,” Sam admitted.“But Steve, you live in a town of, what, 20,000 people?We both know that dating one of those assholes we grew up with would be a horrible decision.Besides, I haven’t seen you this happy in years.”

“I know, I know,” Steve moaned.He stared down at his coffee for a minute.“Bucky came to me three weeks ago today and asked me to have an affair.Trying to stay apart wasn’t working, and Bucky figured if he did the asking I’d get in less trouble if we got caught.”Steve saw the look on Sam’s face and knew he wanted more information.Sam was an excellent therapist for a reason.“We spent the entire first weekend before Bucky was hired on together.Nat and Clint saw that we were… interested in each other and forced us on a date.I ended things at 7:55 Monday morning.Dr. James Barnes was an official Stark Industries employee at eight a.m,” Steve admitted.

“And by ‘interested in each other,’ you mean…?” Sam asked.

“We made out the entire way to IKEA,” Steve said drily.

“And by ‘date’ you mean…?” Sam asked, clearly curious as Steve’s friend now.

“We got a hotel, went to a club and a sex shop, and then fucked all weekend,” Steve finished for Sam.

Sam let out a low whistle.“You really do things by the book, don’t you, Rogers,” he said.He sipped his mocha.“Nat and Clint know you two are back at it?” he asked curiously.

Steve shook his head.“We both know they’re more observant than they want credit for.I don’t think they suspect, though.”

“What, they don’t think condom wrappers in the trash are weird for a single guy?” Sam asked with a smirk.Steve turned bright red and looked down at his coffee.“Rogers,” Sam said, horrified.

“I _know_,” Steve said, closing his eyes with frustration and embarrassment.

Sam shook his head.“You’re putting a lot of trust in this guy, Steve,” he said.

“I know,” Steve answered softly.“But so does Nat, and I trust her.Nat outright told me that if it comes down to me or Bucky, she’s picking him.”

Sam let out another low whistle.They drank their coffee in silence for a minute.“Hey Steve,” Sam said.

“Yeah,” Steve responded idly.Bucky, Clint, Nat, Pepper, and Tony had come into view.They were carrying huge shopping bags.Bucky was smiling, his eyes crinkled up, laughing at something.

“I call dibs on him if you two break up,” Sam informed Steve.

“_Sam_,” Steve said, torn between amusement and horror.Sam just gave him a wink and got up to greet the others.Steve followed, grumbling at his friend’s presumption.With friends like these, who needed enemies?

The annual Avengers: Civil War football game took place after lunch.Tony, Pepper, Nat, and Bruce squared off against Bucky, Sam, Clint, and Steve in a game of shirts vs. skins.Steve personally thought it was a little cold to be running around in the mud shirtless, but since it wasn’t stopping his teammates, he figured he shouldn’t whine.Besides, Bucky looked good with his shirt off.

Steve was made quarterback, since he could throw a football with impressive accuracy for someone who knew nothing about the sport.His friends were pretty good at football, but no one held a candle to Bucky.Steve could see that he hadn’t been lying about his tackling skills.It didn’t take long for Tony’s team to be caked in mud, with the exception of Nat, whose own ballet skills helped her evade Bucky’s grasp.

When the score was tied Steve called a huddle.“Ok,” he said quietly, “At this point I don’t care if we win or not.We’ve gotta get Nat.”

“Agreed,” Clint said.“Bucky, you come at her, make her think you’re going in for the tackle again.Then Sam, Steve, and I will rush her.”

“Sounds good,” Sam agreed.Bucky nodded.

Pepper hiked the ball to Tony, who passed it to Nat.Nat ran and Bucky headed straight for her.He zigged as she zagged, forcing her into Sam’s path.Clint came from the side and pushed her down, landing on top of her with a victory yell.Sam jumped on them both.Steve was standing over them, hands on his hips, grinning, when he was suddenly knocked off balance and onto the pile.

“Gotcha!” Bucky crowed from his position on top of Steve.

From there the game devolved into more of a mud fight.Eventually Tony and Pepper decided to go shower off.Clint and Nat claimed the second shower.This left Bruce, Sam, Steve, and Bucky to fight over who got first dibs on the third bathroom.

“Look,” Bucky said, “all I’m saying is that I’m fine with using the bathtub if someone wants to use the shower at the same time.”

“That’s great,” Bruce said, “but I’m really not comfortable being in the bathroom at the same time as someone else.”

“I’m fine with whatever,” Steve said, hoping Sam would suggest that he and Bucky use the bathroom first.

“Barnes, Rogers, just go get yourselves clean,” Sam said with a sigh.“Banner and I’ll just wait for the lovebirds to finish up.”

“I’ll wait for Steve and Bucky,” Bruce said.“You couldn’t pay me enough to shower in the same spot someone just had sex in.”

“Suit yourself,” Sam said with a knowing shrug.

Steve and Bucky grabbed some beers and headed for the bathroom.They took turns scrubbing the mud off and fingering each other in the oversized bathtub before moving on to rinsing off and oral sex in the oversized shower.“Poor Bruce,” Steve said as he made sure any stray semen went down the drain while Bucky rinsed conditioner out of his hair.

“Eh, what he doesn’t know won’t kill him,” Bucky said casually, pausing to take a sip of his shower beer.“You should probably leave the bathroom first, you have less hair to wash and dry.”

“Sounds good,” Steve said, stepping out of the shower.“I’ll tell Bruce you’re nearly done.”

“I love you, Steve,” Bucky said, meeting Steve’s eyes.

“I love you too, Bucky,” Steve replied softly.So much for trying to pretend his attraction to Bucky was purely physical.Steve was madly, desperately, and completely in love with Bucky Barnes.


	13. Tell Me That You Need Me on the Floor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky learns the hard way that Steve is triggered by Christmas trees.
> 
> Bucky's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Panic attack, suicide mention, overdose mention, alcohol as a coping mechanism, past abuse mentions, drunk character wants sex with sober character (no sex occurs in this chapter)
> 
> Chapter title from "Sweet Disaster" by Dreamers.

Another thing Bucky and Nat had in common, besides dance and computers, was their Jewishness.Nat’s adoptive parents, Nick and Rachel Fury, were the descendants of Ethiopian Jews.Nat’s parents had been Ashkenazi, according to DNA tests.Bucky’s family were all Eastern European Jews who had immigrated to New York.Both Nat and Bucky were proud of their heritage, but they didn’t keep kosher and only went to synagogue a couple times a year.Mostly, they made jokes about matzoh ball soup and challah and got drunk together on bad kosher wine on the holidays.

Given that Nat knew how non-traditional Bucky was, he reflected, she shouldn’t have been staring at him like he was decorating their apartment in swastikas when she came in one Saturday in early December and found him putting up a pre-lit fake Christmas tree.

“Bucky, _NO_,” Nat gasped in horror.

“Bucky, yes,” Bucky proudly informed her.

“Bucky what?” Steve said as he followed Nat into the apartment.

Steve froze at the sight of the tree.His eyes grew wide, his face paled, and his chest began to heave.“Tony, get him out of here,” Nat said firmly.Tony must have been right behind Steve, because Bucky saw a pair of arms reach out and pull Steve back out of the apartment.

“What the _hell_ were you _thinking_,” Nat hissed at Bucky.She crossed the room and slapped him in the face.

“I like lights,” Bucky explained defensively, rubbing his cheek gingerly.“What the hell just happened?”

“You really don’t know?” Nat asked.Bucky shook his head.Nat collapsed on the couch and sighed.“Steve’s ma committed suicide in front of the Christmas tree when we were 18,” Nat explained.

“_Shit_,” Bucky said, waves of horror enveloping him.

“Steve, Tony, and I found her,” Nat explained.“She was dying.Brain cancer.It was going to be horrible, and she didn’t want any of us to have to watch.Ma loved Christmas, so she gave the three of us the best one ever and then overdosed on Fentanyl where she could look at the tree as she went.”

Bucky found himself crying.He sat down next to Nat and she leaned into him, beginning to cry herself.“I’ll take it down,” he told Nat.He began to gently rub her back.

“No, don’t,” Nat said.“We just— we can handle it— well, Steve can’t really, but Tony and I can, as long as we have a little forewarning.”She choked back a sob and smiled.“You really remind me of her sometimes, you know, Bucky.You’re both such warm and caring people.”

Bucky realized that this was probably the highest complement Nat could give.He gave her a tight squeeze.She leaned into Bucky and gave him a hug back.

Once Nat had collected herself they went outside to check on Steve.They found Tony sitting on the curb alone, looking a little dazed.“He just muttered something about needing to get something, got into his car, and drove off,” Tony said.“I couldn’t stop him.He shouldn’t be driving during a panic attack.”

Bucky sat down next to Tony and gave him a side hug.“I’m really sorry, Tony.I didn’t know until just now.Nat told me.”

“I thought you were Jewish,” Tony said, glaring at Bucky accusingly.

“Can’t a guy like lights?” Bucky said, exaggerating his exasperation and his Brooklyn accent to lighten the mood.“I just think trees’re pretty.”

“If we put a menorah on top we could call it a Hanukkah tree,” Nat mused.She sat down on Tony’s other side and wrapped her arm around him.Tony sighed and put his arms around Nat and Bucky.They sat there like that for a long time, lost in their thoughts.

It was starting to get dark and Bucky was thinking they should probably go inside when Steve’s electric car pulled up.“Nat, Tony, would you take the food in?” Steve said in his steely voice, more an order than a question.“Bucky, I’ll want your help with the boxes.”

Nat, Tony, and Bucky looked at each other with surprise.They quickly and quietly did as Steve asked.Nat and Tony carted bags full of liquor and Chinese takeout into the apartment while Steve opened the trunk of his car.There were three large rubber tubs.They were coated in a thick layer of dust and labelled in a handwriting Bucky didn’t recognize.Something clicked.

Steve reached to grab one, but Bucky gently rested his hand on Steve’s arm.“Wait,” Bucky said softly.“You don’t have to do this.”He wanted to say more, but the words caught in his throat.

“Buck,” Steve said, the steel in his voice beginning to crack, “I’ve been terrified of feeling things since I was 14.I’m done with that.I don’t wanna be afraid of the way I feel anymore.”He looked at Bucky, his eyes wide and filling rapidly with tears.Bucky realized that this wasn’t just about Steve’s ma.

Bucky sat down on the bumper of Steve’s car and pulled Steve onto his lap.“It’s alright, my love.I’ve got you,” Bucky told him softly.Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky, buried his head in Bucky’s shoulder, and sobbed.Bucky murmured words of love and support into Steve’s ear as he held him tightly, rubbing Steve’s broad back with one hand and cradling the back of Steve’s head with the other.After a few minutes Nat came back out to see what was taking them so long.Bucky met her eyes, silently pleading with her to leave and keep this to herself.She nodded once in understanding and went back inside.

Nat and Tony had four shots of whisky ready to go when Steve and Bucky finally came in with the boxes.“Ma and Da were Irish,” Steve explained to Bucky.“Da was in the IRA.Ma had family here, so when she fell pregnant with me Da sent her over here so we’d be safe.Da was accidentally killed by his own car bomb before I was born.Ma didn’t really have a reason to go back, so she stayed here.”

“Holy shit, Steve,” Bucky said, shaking his head.“Anyone else got a tragic family backstory they wanna tell me about?” he asked wryly.

“My dad neglected me and godfather bought me alcohol and drugs and tried to steal the company from me after my parents died,” Tony volunteered brightly.

“I’ll take that as a no,” Bucky said, appalled.He shook his head again, then lifted his shot glass.“To Sarah Rogers!” he toasted.

“To Ma!” Steve, Nat, and Tony shouted in reply. 

They tossed back their shots.Tony poured another round and raised his glass.“To Steven Grant Rogers, kindhearted bastard that he is,” he said.

Steve blushed as Nat and Bucky toasted him.They swallowed their shots, and then Bucky giggled.

“What’s so funny?” Steve asked, somewhat crossly.

“You’re middle name’s Grant,” Bucky said, as though the source of his amusement should be obvious.It was obvious to him, after all.

“Yeah?” Steve asked suspiciously.

“Mine’s Buchanan,” Bucky explained.“It’s why everyone calls me Bucky.We’re both presidents.”

“No shit,” Steve said, a delighted grin spreading across his face.

“To the presidents, then,” Nat said as she raised her glass.She had refilled their shot glasses while Steve and Bucky were talking.They drank and then Steve took his turn to refill.

“To Dr. James _Buchanan_ Barnes,” Steve said, “The biggest goddamn jerk on the face of the planet.”

Bucky tossed back his shot and then laughed, muttering “punk” at Steve under his breath.

Sarah Rogers’ Christmas ornaments were beautiful, Bucky thought.They were a mix of store bought and home made.Each one clearly had meaning.All of the ornaments Steve, Nat, and Tony had made throughout their years at school were part of the collection, and Bucky insisted on hanging them all in pride of place.The Fury family menorah was also in the boxes; Steve affixed it to the top of the tree next to the angel that great-grandma Rogers had made.Steve was a little drunk by this point, so they were a little crooked, but Bucky thought a tree had never looked better.

Steve really handled himself well for the first hour or so.Eventually, though, all the memories associated with the ornaments got to him, and Steve began to drink heavily from the whisky bottle to cope.“You gonna be ok if I leave?” Tony asked dubiously while looking at Steve, who was now crying over a stuffed reindeer.“I had a date with Pepper tonight,” he explained.

“We can handle him,” Nat said confidently as she hung her blue-and-white stocking with a Star of David on the mantle of the gas fireplace.Ma Rogers had clearly attempted to blend Nat’s traditions in with her own.Tony still looked hesitant, but he said his goodbyes and left.This turned out to be a good thing, because as soon as Bucky moved back into Steve’s field of vision Steve began hitting on him.

“Hey, hey Sweetheart,” Steve slurred, grinning at Bucky, “Gimme a kiss, Sweetheart, your pretty little lips are just begging for it.”

“You better be talking to him, not me,” Nat said icily.

Steve stared at Nat, surprised.“‘Course I’m talkin’ to him, Bitch,” he told her.“We been through for years now, Nat.Nat, you’d lit’rally kill me within a month if we got married, we’d never make it,” Steve reminded her.Nat sighed, clearly exasperated, but she didn’t disagree.She returned to stringing lights across the living room.“Buckyyyyy,” Steve whined, long and drawn out.

“Rogers, you’re drunk,” Bucky said, feeling mildly amused.They’d obviously gotten wasted together before, but he’d never seen Steve like this.

“He spent the entire month of January after Ma died this way,” Nat informed Bucky, as though she’d read his mind.

“Nat,” Steve whined, “You’re telling Buck all the worst things about me!He’s not gonna love me anymore!”At this, Steve began to look horrified.He started to cry again.

“Aw, Steve, no, we’ll always be friends,” Bucky said, crossing the room quickly and giving Steve a hug.This was clearly a mistake, because Steve started sucking hickies into Bucky’s collarbone.Bucky stifled a moan and pushed away.“Rogers, you’ve got to behave yourself,” Bucky said in the tone he and Steve reserved for when they noticed they were behaving too couple-y.

Steve took a long pull of whisky from the bottle, then blinked up at Bucky.He didn’t hear the front door open.“I don’t wanna behave,” he said.“I wanna strip you naked ‘n fuck you senseless.I wanna slap that pretty lil’ ass of yours ’til it’s red ’n raw.I wanna fill you up with my cum and then rim you ’til you’re drippin’ into my mouth, all hot an’ wet ‘an sloppy, Baby,” Steve continued, his voice dipping lower and rougher with each word.“I know you love it when Daddy gives it to you like that.”

Unfortunately, Tony had walked back into the apartment with Pepper and heard every word Steve had said.“Forgot my wallet,” he said slowly, staring at Steve in horror. 

Bucky turned bright red and moaned, sinking down to the floor and burying his head in his hands.His penis was betraying him.It had turned hard at Steve’s words; Bucky tried to sit so it wouldn’t be obvious.Steve took Bucky’s move to the floor as an invitation to fall off the couch and crawl on top of him.“Rogers, NO,” Bucky said, trying to push him off.It was as much a reminder for himself as it was for Steve.

“Oooh, you’re hard for me, Sweetheart,” Steve said, attempting to unzip Bucky’s fly. 

Bucky forced himself to slap Steve’s hands away.It would be wrong to let Steve touch him in this state.“Nat, Tony, a little help here?” Bucky begged, wild-eyed.It was taking everything in him to not chug some whisky himself and let Steve take him to bed.

Steve’s face fell.“Do you really not want it, Babe?” he asked sadly.

“You’re drunk, Stevie,” Bucky said softly, purposely not answering the question.His eyes flicked up to Tony, who was gripping a kitchen bar stool with white knuckles.“And you’re my boss.You gotta keep it together, Stevie.I know you’ve been through a lot tonight, and your emotions are all mixed up.Come on, Stevie, let’s get you to bed.”

“Yeah?” Steve asked suggestively, leering at Bucky and licking his lips.He let Bucky lift him up off the floor.Bucky looked at Tony and nodded to the side of Steve that he wasn’t currently propping up.Tony swiftly joined Bucky and grabbed on to Steve.

“Alone, Stevie.You’re gonna sleep,” Bucky said soothingly as he and Tony walked Steve towards Bucky’s bedroom.Steve finally looked resigned.Bucky rubbed Steve’s back and gave Tony a look that he hoped radiated ‘can-you-believe-this-guy.’Tony helped Bucky put Steve to bed, propping Steve’s head up with pillows while Bucky put a garbage can in easy reach and tried to conceal his boner.All the while Steve kept up a litany of things he wanted to do to Bucky, most of them things they had done before and enjoyed immensely.Bucky and Tony left Bucky’s room silently, Steve’s muttering trailing off as he fell asleep.Bucky closed the door after them.

Nat and Pepper had beers and shots ready for them in the kitchen.Tony and Bucky sat down wordlessly and tossed their shots back.Nat and Pepper followed suit.They began to sip their beers.

“Well, that was new,” Tony said tiredly.

“Tell me about it,” Nat snarked.“He sure as hell didn’t talk like that when we were together.”

“James,” Pepper said kindly, resting a hand on Bucky’s arm, “Do we need to talk with Steve about sexual harassment?”

“_No_,” Bucky said, a little too loudly and a little too forcefully.He sighed and took a sip of his beer.He was beginning to feel a bit drunk himself.“No, I’d just rather deal with it myself tomorrow.Rogers was drunk enough he probably won’t even remember.We all know he wasn’t really himself.”Bucky took a longer drink from his bottle of beer this time.

Nat exhaled sharply.“Bucky,” she said sternly, “You better than any of us should know that people when they’re drunk aren’t that much different from people when they’re sober.They’ve just lost their filter.”

Bucky pointedly ignored this and continued to drink his beer.He knew Nat was referring to a particularly abusive ex and he didn’t want to think about him.The silence continued for a few minutes.

“Where are you going to sleep?” Tony asked suddenly.“Since Steve’s in your bed,” he clarified.

Bucky took a sip of beer and shook his head.“Nat, would you mind if we shared?”They’d shared a bed numerous times in grad school.When one of them couldn’t sleep, the other would sing lullabies and play with their hair until they were both nodded off.It had been comforting.

“Not at all,” Nat said, sounding tired.“I’m gonna go to bed soon, though,” she warned Bucky.

“Sounds good to me,” Bucky said.He drained his beer and went to get ready for bed himself.It had been an exhausting evening.


	14. Last Call 40s at the Corner Store to Take to Bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve is horrified when he remembers the events of the night before.
> 
> Steve's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Continuations of themes from the previous chapter.
> 
> Chapter title from "Sweet Disaster" by Dreamers.

Steve and Tony had been best friends since high school.They’d gone through a bit of a rough patch after Ma’s death, when Tony went a little crazy with the cocaine use, but even then they’d still confided in each other.Tony kept very few secrets from Steve.Steve never kept secrets from Tony.Or at least, he hadn’t before Bucky came into his life. 

This mutual trust was why Steve had been one of the few Tony had talked to after he found out what Obadiah Stane, former CFO of Stark Industries, had been doing.Steve had agreed with Tony when Tony wanted to draw up a new sexual harassment and relationship policy.He’d even helped draft it.Steve knew how important it was to Tony to right his father’s and godfather’s wrongs.

Which is why Steve had thrown himself into work in the weeks following his and Bucky’s… well, whatever that first weekend had been.He had taken on more freelance projects than normal and spent more of his free time at the gym.By keeping himself busy and exhausted he was almost able to forget.Almost.He had kept trying.Steve couldn’t allow himself to feel this way.He had found himself giving in to his fears and anxieties and isolating himself for the first time since he’d been in therapy.He started smoking again and, if he was being honest with himself, drank a bit more than he probably should have.

But then Halloween had happened.Bucky had shown up, looking like sin and sex as he drank vodka straight from the bottle while Tony sat on Steve’s lap and told him to get laid.Steve had hoped that maybe if he drank enough, he could forget Bucky was there.Instead of numbing his emotions, the alcohol betrayed him.The more Steve drank the more he wanted Bucky.By the time Bucky had asked Steve to share his chair he was downright desperate.So, Steve had taken Bucky to Tony’s childhood bedroom and kissed him until they passed out drunk.When Bucky had suggested a week later that they start having an affair, Bucky really had been right.Steve couldn’t say no.He was too far gone for Bucky.

It wasn’t even about the sex, Steve knew, although he had tried at first to pretend it was.Pretending had always seemed easier than acknowledging his emotions before.Now, though, he found himself looking for the little things about Bucky that made his heart leap with joy.The way Bucky’s smile lit up the room.The sound of Bucky’s laugh.The way Bucky talked with Bruce and Tony about their work.The little things he did for people to show he cared, like holding doors and baking cookies.

And now, Steve realized as his head pounded and bile rose in his throat, he’d gotten drunk and thrown it all away.He’d essentially admitted in front of Tony that he and Bucky were a couple, and he’d done it in the most obscenely sexual way possible.Once again, the alcohol had failed to numb him.Instead, Steve had felt too much.He opened his eyes and leaned over the bed, vomiting straight into the trashcan that had been so nicely placed at the side of the bed.

“Good to see you in the land of the living, Rogers,” he heard Tony say.Steve groaned and closed his eyes against the bright light streaming in through the bedroom door.He felt Tony thrust a sports drink and a pair of sunglasses into his hands.Steve tentatively sat up, put on the glasses, and cracked open the drink.

“Do you remember last night?” Tony asked, his voice hard, “Or were you blacked out by the time you started trying to assault Barnes?”

“I _what_,” Steve gasped, absolutely horrified.He had a flash of climbing on top of Bucky and Bucky using his ‘we-can’t-do-this-others-are-here’ voice.“Shit,” he swore.Of course that had looked like assault.Since Bucky had said no, it practically was anyway.The memory of what he’d done made him throw up again.

“Shit is right,” Tony agreed.“Oh, don’t worry, you backed off once he called you ‘Stevie,’” Tony proceeded to inform him.Steve groaned and pulled his knees up.He rested his arms over them and buried his face in the space between his his legs and his body.Tony joined Steve on the bed and put his arm around Steve’s shoulders.

“Look, Steve, if there’s something wrong, you gotta tell us,” Tony said.His tone was much more gentle now.“Nat, Pepper, and I have never seen you like that.You scared the hell out of us.”Tony sighed, then continued.“Barnes was right, you went through a lot last night, and we were actually all pretty proud of how you handled yourself up until then.”

Steve realized that if the door was open, the others might be listening in.The thought made him shudder.“Are they here?” he asked Tony.

Tony shook his head; Steve could see the movement in the corner of his eye.“No, Pepper and Nat took Barnes out for brunch,” Tony told him.“Barnes wanted to be the one to talk to you, but Nat, Pepper, and I thought it better if I did.”

Steve didn’t know how to respond to this, so he didn’t.He slowly raised his head and stared blankly at the wall opposite Bucky’s bed.Bucky had wanted to be the one to talk to him.Bucky must not hate him, even after what Steve had said and done last night.Steve knew the situation looked a lot different— and a lot worse— to someone who didn’t know what his and Bucky’s relationship was really like.The knot in his chest loosened just a bit at the thought.Then it tightened again at the thought that followed, which was that all his friends must now think he was the type of person to commit sexual assault.

“Rogers, pal,” Tony’s voice interrupted, “You gotta tell me what’s going on.Why’d you say and do all that to Barnes last night?”

Steve had never been so thankful to have a sudden need to throw up.As he vomited into the trash, he tried to come up with something to tell Tony.It was hard with his brain moving so sluggishly.

“He was just— he was so _nice_ last night, Tony,” Steve finally said.“I guess it’s just been so long since— since I dated anyone, that— well, I guess I thought he was coming on to me, and I just lost control.” Steve had been careful to choose his words.Technically, nothing he had said was a lie.Hopefully it would be enough to continue to protect Bucky from suspicion.Steve realized belatedly that he was crying.

Tony looked at Steve with a mixture of surprise and disappointment.“I guess you’re human after all,” Tony said quietly.He pulled Steve close and held him as Steve cried and sipped his sports drink.Tony wasn’t quite as comforting as Bucky, Steve thought, but it was still a damn sight nicer than what he felt he deserved.

Bucky came back with a latte around noon and kicked Tony out of his bedroom.“You promised I could be the one to talk to Rogers,” he said, glaring at Tony.Tony just shrugged as he left the room.Bucky closed the door behind him.Bucky’s face softened as he turned to Steve and passed him the latte.Steve closed his eyes and sipped.It tasted like heaven.

“I’m sorry I fucked it all up and tried to assault you last night,” Steve said in a choked voice.His eyes were threatening tears again.

Bucky shook his head.“You didn’t fuck it all up, Stevie, and I didn’t feel like you were assaulting me.I’ve been assaulted, Steve, I know what it’s like.”Steve stared at Bucky in horror.The tears that had been threatening to fall came thick and fast.“I wanted you last night too, Stevie.You were just too drunk,” Bucky continued gently.“Nothing’s different between us, at least to me.We’ll just have to be extra careful for a bit around our friends, that’s all.”Bucky sat down on the edge of the bed and rested a hand on Steve’s knee.

“You still want to—“ Steve began, surprised, but Bucky cut him off.

“God, Stevie, of _course_ I still want to,” Bucky said emphatically.“You brought out your ma’s ornaments for the first time in, what, twelve years?All because I put up a Christmas tree.Hell, if I’d been anywhere near as drunk as you I would have taken you to bed the second Tony left the apartment.It’s not your fault I stayed more sober and Tony forgot his wallet.”Bucky laid down on the bed and curled around Steve’s legs.“I’m with you, pal.’Til the end of the line.Whatever that looks like.”

Steve reached for Bucky’s nearest hand and gave it a tight squeeze.He was quiet for a minute, but a funny thought occurred to him.His brain clearly wasn’t working right yet.“What if I murdered somebody?” he asked curiously.

Bucky smirked.“Depends,” he said.“I’d be pretty disappointed if you murdered someone nice, but if it was, like, a Nazi, or the Cheeto-in-Chief, I’d help you bury the body.”

Steve laughed.“I love you, Dr. James Buchanan Barnes,” he said emphatically, now running his hand over Bucky’s silky black hair.“I wish I deserved you.”

“I love you, Steven Grant Rogers,” Bucky softly replied.“And I think you deserve more than me.So where does that leave us?”

“We’re fucked, aren’t we,” Steve commented.

“Well and truly,” Bucky said.

Well, Steve thought, at least they were in this together.


	15. Let's Go Get Some More Like Young Ramones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Bucky spend Christmas and New Year's together.
> 
> Bucky's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "Sweet Disaster" by Dreamers.

Bucky expected to spend this Christmas alone like he had every other year since leaving home.It’s not like he viewed this as a problem, since he didn’t celebrate it.He and Nat had done Hanukkah together as usual.She was now off on a job.Clint had offered to work overtime on his security job so someone else could take the day with their kids.Tony and Pepper were visiting Pepper’s family.Bruce and his dad were off visiting other family elsewhere in the country.Sam’s whole family was getting together.Bucky assumed Steve would be spending the day with the Wilsons.So Bucky slept in, poured himself a vat of sugary cereal, lit a joint, and was just starting the process of picking a movie to get stoned to when there was a knock on the door.

“Come in,” Bucky yelled, figuring the person would just go away.Instead, Steve stepped in, wearing his best suit.Bucky eyed him with surprise.“You just come from Mass or somethin’?” he asked.

“Yeah, actually,” Steve said as he shut the door behind him and took off his suit jacket.“What are we doing, my darling?” he asked Bucky, flopping down on the couch next to him and proceeding to carefully untie his tie.

“_I_ am getting stoned, eating irresponsible amounts of junk food, and watching Netflix,” Bucky told Steve.“_You_ are supposed to be celebrating Christmas.”

“I just did,” Steve said, plucking the joint out of Bucky’s hand.

Bucky eyed Steve suspiciously.“Shouldn’t you be at the Wilsons or something?” he asked.Secretly, though, Bucky was happy that Steve had come over was back to being so casual around him.Steve had spent over a week feeling guilty after the Christmas Tree Incident.It had taken Bucky opening up to Steve about his previous two exes, who had been both physically and emotionally abusive, for Steve to accept that he wasn’t a terrible person just for being drunk and horny.

“Too many people,” Steve said as he exhaled a cloud of smoke.He held the joint gently in his lips as he undid the top three buttons of his dress shirt.He was still wearing a vest.Bucky found the way Steve looked at that precise moment incredibly sexy.He felt a little sad that he was just wearing a t-shirt and his most raggedy underwear.

Bucky flipped through movies as he and Steve passed the joint back and forth, but nothing looked good.Bucky realized with a start that they had smoked the entire joint and still didn’t have a movie to watch.“You wanna just talk?” Bucky asked, not really sure what they’d actually talk about.

“Sure,” Steve said with a shrug.

They spent the whole day talking and getting stoned.At one point they took a break to cook frozen pizzas.As it grew late Bucky found himself staring at Steve with adoration from where they were laying on the living room floor.Steve was so gorgeous.His shirt and vest were completely unbuttoned now, revealing his sculpted muscles and light brown chest hair.His normally perfect, a-little-too-long-on-purpose blonde hair was mussed just slightly.His bright blue eyes were swollen and red, but it just made him look seductive and lazy somehow.A thought occurred to Bucky.

“We haven’t had sex all day, Stevie,” Bucky said, surprised and a little awed.

“Yeah, Love?” Steve said, raising his eyebrows.

“It’s just— sex with you is amazing, it really is,” Bucky continued, “but— it’s kinda nice to just hang, too.”Bucky reached out and touched Steve.He shivered as desire flooded over him.“… But I also kinda wanna have sex,” Bucky added.Steve laughed.“Like, making love sex.The mushy type.”

Steve laughed again and rolled over on the floor to face Bucky.“I’d love that, Darling,” he said as he pulled Bucky closer and kissed him.

“Merry Christmas, Steve,” Bucky said as he slid his hands down Steve’s chest and began to unbutton his pants.

“Merry Christmas, Bucky,” Steve said as he pulled Bucky’s shirt over his head.

Steve stayed with Bucky until New Year’s.Bucky loved it.It felt incredibly domestic and gave them an opportunity to grow closer as a couple.It also meant that Steve got to be the one to explain New Beer’s to Bucky.

“When we all started drinking as teens, all we really tried were cheap, watery beers that we could chug,” Steve explained as they pushed a shopping cart through the beer aisle of the supermarket.“The first time we all got drunk together was on New Year’s Eve.We’d all gotten super dressed up, but all we had to drink were these horrible, shitty beers.We woke up in the morning to realize that we’d somehow created, like, an entire feat of civil engineering in Tony’s living room out of beer cans and snack wrappers.”

“Whoa,” Bucky said, impressed.“So now you do that every year?”

“Pretty much,” Steve said as he began to load the cart with box after box of Rainier.

“Question,” Bucky said as he began to throw bags of chips into the cart with the beer, “Do you guys have any traditions that _don’t_ revolve around alcohol?”

Steve paused and thought.“You know,” he mused, “maybe we need to start thinking about that.”

“I mean, it’s fun, don’t get me wrong,” Bucky said, “but, like, I’ve only got one liver and I’d like it to work past the age of 50, you know?”

Steve laughed.“If global warming doesn’t get us first then yes, I’d like my liver working at age 50 too,” he said.“God, Buck, you’re the youngest of all of us and the only one with any self-preservation.”

“Well,” Bucky said reasonably, “I figure I have to at least make it to the 27 club.”Steve laughed, shook his head, and elbowed Bucky.Bucky just grinned back.

New Beer’s was easily the best holiday so far, in Bucky’s opinion.Tony had practically covered the ceiling of the manor’s living room with mistletoe for the Christmas season.Bucky and Steve had both quickly come to the realization that if they kissed everyone else under the mistletoe with excessive frequency, they could also kiss each other with the same excessive frequency.

“I see you’ve forgiven Steve,” Tony said to Bucky after his and Steve’s fifth kiss under the mistletoe.

Bucky shrugged.“We’ve all done things we’ve regretted when we weren’t sober,” he told Tony.“If he hadn’t backed off, or if he does it again, it’d be a different story.”Bucky knew it wouldn’t happen again, however.He and Steve had promised each other that.

Tony looked worried, but he nodded anyway.“Pepper and I’ve talked about it.We’re going to see if we can find a girl to set him up with.”

“What makes you think Steve’s looking for a girl?” Bucky asked drily, nodding towards where Steve and Sam were making out under the mistletoe.

Tony shook his head.“Guys’ve always been more of a drunken one-night stand thing for Steve,” he explained.“I’ve never seen him get past the sweetheart stage with any guy.If that ever happens, sure, we’ll find a guy to set him up with.”

“The sweetheart stage?” Bucky asked, curious.

“You can gauge how serious he is about a relationship by what pet names he uses,” Tony said.“Sweetheart, babe— that’s a casual thing.Nicknames based on a name are more serious— he called his ex Peg, even though most people called her Peggy.If you ever hear him call someone darling or love, you’d better start looking at suits for the wedding.”Tony laughed as he said this.

“Huh,” was all Bucky could say to this interesting piece of information.Luckily, Sam came over, pointed at the mistletoe above Bucky, and began to kiss him until Tony wandered off.

“That was from Steve,” Sam whispered with a wink.Bucky caught Steve’s eye across the room and smiled.

As the evening wore on Sam began to periodically send Bucky and Steve off on fool’s errands to get more beer or snacks from the kitchen.Both men had a competitive streak, so their flirtations were easily misconstrued when the goal of the night was to drink as much beer as possible as quickly as possible to provide as much building material as possible.The two-story, turreted castle the group created this year was big enough that Steve and Bucky could hide inside it for a midnight kiss.They stayed awake until nearly dawn, memorizing every muscle and mole and scar.

Everyone was hungover the next morning during brunch.Tony seemed the only one capable of speech; he couldn’t stop waxing poetic about the functional drawbridge that he, Bucky, and Bruce had created.Bucky and Steve periodically exchanged stolen glances over their coffees. Bucky realized with a flutter of his stomach that he could see himself doing this every day for the rest of his life. He closed his eyes, trying to clear his head.This was crazy.He’d only known Steve for five months, and they’d only been together for two.He remembered what Tony had said about Steve and pet names last night.Then Bucky thought back to what his mom had always said about love.“Sometimes it takes a while,” she’d tell Bucky and his sister, Rebecca.“Sometimes, you just know.”

Bucky watched Steve laugh over his coffee and then wince from his hangover.He caught Bucky’s eye.Bucky gave him a sympathetic look.He caught a brief flash of tenderness in Steve’s eye before his expression changed and he looked away.Bucky felt a now-familiar warmth spread inside him. 

He knew.And if Tony was right, Steve did too.


	16. If You Go On You Might Pass Out in a Drain Pipe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve goes to Tony's Super Bowl party for the first time.
> 
> Steve's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sharon doesn't deserve hatred. Sharon has no clue what she's walking into. She's nice. Be nice to Sharon Carter.
> 
> Chapter title from "Don't Threaten me With a Good Time" by Panic! at the Disco.

Steve disliked football as a rule, primarily because he’d never paid much attention to it.When the news started reporting on the dangers of the sport Steve clung to it as his excuse.Unfortunately, though, not only did Bucky love football, but his favorite team was one of the worst in the league.Steve hadn’t even heard of the Jets before Bucky.But because Bucky was interested, Steve did his research.By the time Tony’s annual Super Bowl party came around Steve thought he’d be able to understand enough of the game to follow along.

Steve arrived early, of course, so he was helping Tony and Pepper set up when Bucky and Nat got there.Nat raised her eyebrows when she saw Steve.“You never watch the Super Bowl,” she said as she crossed the room to set down the beer and the veggie platter she was carrying.

“Yeah, well, thought I’d give it a try this year,” Steve said with a shrug.“Besides, isn’t the halftime show supposed to be good?”

“Only if you like Adam Levine shirtless,” Bucky said with a wink.He’d brought what appeared to be six dozen homemade cupcakes.“Who’re you rooting for?” he asked.

Steve had to think for a moment.“The… Patriots?” he said, looking at Tony for confirmation.Tony nodded.

“_Steve_,” Bucky gasped, horrified.“_Nobody_ roots for the Patriots.They’re the _worst_.”

“I root for the Patriots,” Tony informed Bucky with his hands on his hips.

“Yeah, but everyone knows you’re an asshole, Tony,” Nat said as she settled down on the couch and cracked open a beer.“Only assholes root for the Patriots,” Nat clarified for Steve.“They always win.It’s annoying.We’re actually all Seahawks fans, by the way, but they didn’t make it this year.”

“Not all of us are Seahawks fans,” Bucky reminded Nat.“I’m for the Jets.But the Patriots cheat.”

“Hey now, don’t insult my Pats!” Clint said as he walked into the room.He was wearing a Tom Brady jersey.Nat and Bucky groaned.

“Well, it's all ethically questionable anyway,” Steve said as he moved a couch into a better position.“Guess I may as well root for the most ethically questionable team, especially if they’re gonna win.”He grinned wickedly at Nat and Bucky.Rooting against Bucky’s team was going to be fun.

Tony had invited a bunch of SI board members and employees, so the TV room was crowded by the time the game actually started.Steve found himself helping Tony with greeting people and setting things up.Since Steve didn’t have a Pepper to save him a spot, all the seats were taken by the time he’d finished greeting everyone and grabbed himself a beer.Nat caught his eye and waved him over to the couch she was sharing with Clint and Bucky at the back of the room.

“There isn’t room,” Steve said, eyeing the couch skeptically.There would have been plenty of room if he were allowed to be close to Bucky.

Nat rolled her eyes.“We’re all friends, Steve.We can cuddle.”

So Steve got to spend the entire afternoon with an overexcited Bucky plastered to his side.He gave Bucky a sly grin as he cheered for the Patriots, just to let Bucky know that he was doing it on purpose to rile him up.At one point Steve leaned behind and across Bucky and Nat to give Clint a high five after a touchdown.If he kept his arm around Bucky’s shoulders for a while after that, well, it was just because it was comfortable.Obviously.

The Patriots did, in fact, win.Bucky looked so upset that Steve almost felt bad for gloating.Almost.

As everyone was saying their goodbyes Pepper came up to Steve with a woman about their age in tow.“Steve, this is Sharon,” she said.“We went to school together and she’s just got on as a nurse at the hospital.She also doesn’t have a date for Valentine’s Day,” Pepper added suggestively.

Steve felt himself turn bright red.“Oh,” was all he could say.He was painfully aware that Bucky, Nat, Clint, and Bruce were talking together in close enough proximity to see and hear what was going on.

“Since we know you don’t have plans, Tony and I thought the two of you could join us for a double date!” Pepper said enthusiastically.“Wouldn’t that be fun?”

“Yeah, great,” Steve said helplessly.He contorted his face into what he hoped was an enthusiastic smile.He couldn’t exactly tell Pepper he’d been working on tentative plans with Bucky.He also didn’t want to insult Sharon.

“Great!” Sharon said.“I’m a big fan of your work.That last campaign you did?I loved how you took a stereotypically sexy male form and made it warm and cuddly.It brings up fantastic questions about how we as society view men from an aesthetic standpoint.”

“Yeah, that’s… Pepper, you’ll send me the details, right?I have to…” and with that, Steve slipped out of the house and made his way to the dark side yard.He sank down on the gravel walk next to the house and began to count his breaths.

This was the downside to dating in secret, Steve realized as he felt his heart rate slow back down.With friends like his, someone was bound to try and set him up with a girl at some point.He heard footsteps approach.He looked up to see Nat and Bucky making their way towards him.

“You ok?” Nat asked, crouching down next to Steve and putting a hand on his shoulder.

“Yeah,” Steve lied.“I just wasn’t prepared is all,” he added, which was the truth.

Bucky looked concerned.Nat just nodded.“You thought you were ready to date again, but you’re not as ready as you thought,” she guessed.

“Something like that,” Steve said drily.

“You should go,” Bucky said quietly.Steve looked at him in surprise.He could tell it had been hard for Bucky to say it, even though Bucky was keeping his face and tone carefully even.There was something behind the look in his eyes that was both hard and sad.

“Yeah?” was all Steve could say.

“Yeah,” Bucky said with a curt nod.“It’d be good.”Steve heard the implicit addition of “for helping keep suspicion off of us.”He hated that Bucky was right.

“It can just be one date,” Nat said.“Just go, have fun, tell her she’s great but you’re not looking for anything right now, and everyone will be happy.”

“Will we?” Steve asked wryly.He saw Bucky give a tiny nod out of the corner of his eye.Steve’s heart sank.Even though Bucky had given his permission, it still felt like Steve had just agreed to cheat on the man he was having an affair with.The man he was in love with.The man he would spend the rest of his life with, if he could.

Shit.


	17. But I Make These High Heels Work

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Valentine's Day isn't easy when your relationship has to be a secret...
> 
> Bucky's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Or, Bucky's anxiety goes balls to the wall.
> 
> Chapter title from "Don't Threaten Me With a Good Time" by Panic! at the Disco.

Nat looked up in surprise as she heard the click of high heels coming down the hallway.“Where are you off to?” she asked Bucky.

“Steve’s,” Bucky told her.“Apparently there’s been talk of dancing after dinner tonight.”

Nat eyed Bucky’s heels and tea-length chiffon skirt critically.“So you’re teaching him,” she said.

“Because apparently you didn’t, yes,” Bucky told her.

“I _did_,” Nat said with exasperation.“Multiple times.He’s hopeless with footwork.”

Bucky frowned.“If he ruins my heels, I’ll kill him,” he said.“Can I borrow your car?”Bucky hated the thoughts that entered his head when he drove, but he wasn’t about to walk to Steve’s apartment in heels.

“No,” Nat said, somehow sounding even more exasperated.“Clint and I are going to the city for the weekend and I refuse to wear nice clothes in his truck.Get your own.”

Bucky sighed.“It’s ok, I’ll ride my bike,” he said.“Don’t wait up!” he added with a wink as he left.

It wasn’t very far to Steve’s, which was good, because the air was cold on Bucky’s face and legs.When Steve opened the door he looked tense.He was already dressed for his date.“Tony, Pepper, and Sharon decided to surprise me by coming early to get ready together and have drinks,” Steve told him.Bucky could tell he was trying to keep his voice from sounding strained.

“Well, Nat’s leaving town for the weekend, and you said you needed dance lessons, so I’m here,” Bucky said.He was aware that those two things didn’t necessarily go together, but he hoped Steve caught his meaning.Steve nodded twice and Bucky felt a wave of relief wash through him.He motioned for Bucky to come in.

“Hey guys, we’ve got a fifth wheel,” Steve said as Bucky awkwardly followed him into the apartment.

“You’re wearing heels and a skirt,” Tony pointed out.He was sitting on one end of Steve’s sectional with Pepper.

“Yes, Captain Obvious,” Bucky said testily.He was already deeply regretting his life choices.He’d only ever cross-dressed for dance productions or costumes.He felt incredibly vulnerable standing in Steve’s living room, especially with a literal stranger sitting on the couch.“Steve texted saying he needed dancing lessons.How am I supposed to teach him not to trip over skirts and heels if I’m not wearing a skirt or heels?”

“You must be Dr. Barnes,” Sharon said, setting down her drink and rising for a handshake from where she’d been sitting on the opposite end of the sectional.“I’ve heard a lot about you.I’m Sharon Carter.”

“Good to meet you,” Bucky said politely.He wondered just what she’d heard about him.He doubted much of it was good, unless it had come directly from his friends. Bucky’s brain began to feed him familiar thoughts; thoughts that Bucky hated and usually drowned out with music or weed.Thoughts that his friends were just being nice when they said good things about him.That the truth was really closer to what the rest of the world said.Bucky wished he could disappear.

“Steve, that ad campaign— the one we were just talking about— you know, your art for that looks a lot like Dr. Barnes,” Sharon said. 

Bucky frowned in confusion.He’d seen all of Steve’s work by this point, plus a lot of sketches and paintings that Steve had done just for fun.He’d even modeled a bit when Steve asked to draw him.He’d never done that for an ad campaign, though.It was entirely possible he just hadn’t recognized himself— his self-perception was a bit skewed at times.Like right now, he thought wryly.

Steve looked surprised.“I suppose there might have been some unconscious influence,” he said slowly.Bucky noticed that Steve seemed to be actively avoiding everyone’s eyes as he said that.He also realized with surprise that Steve was making another cocktail, even though the two couples already had drinks.A small part of his brain realized it was for him.A larger part of his brain told him he didn’t deserve it.

“It’s brilliant,” Sharon said.“Gay men tend to be so over-sexualized, and so do men with that sort of build.The fact that your campaign revolves around a more domestic view— it’s really unprecedented.”

Bucky was feeling absolutely awful at this point.“I should probably get going, since…” he trailed off and waived his hand at the group.

“At least stay and have a drink,” Steve said, handing Bucky the drink he’d been making.“It’s a Dark and Stormy.You must be freezing.He rode his bike here,” Steve added for the benefit of the room.

Pepper shook her head.“You’ve really got to get a car, Bucky,” she told him.“I know we’re paying you enough for that.”

“I know, I know,” Bucky grumbled.He didn’t feel like telling them the real reason he didn’t have a car.He pulled a kitchen chair over to the living room and sat down.Steve sat next to Sharon.Sharon rested her hand lightly on Steve’s knee.Steve didn’t do anything to encourage her, but he didn’t discourage the contact either.Bucky felt a rush of irrational anger sweep over him.

Bucky took a sip of his drink to try and clear his head.He had told Steve to go on this date with Sharon.It would have been odd if Steve hadn’t when Tony and Pepper had gone to such lengths to set him up with a date.They’d been working on this since the Christmas Tree Incident, after all.None of this was personal, he reminded himself.If anything it was an effort to protect him.He was being ridiculous.

“So Dr. Barnes,” Sharon began, “What is it you do at Stark Industries?

Bucky hadn’t expected to be talked to.He nearly choked on his drink in surprise.“Lots of computers, a bit of engineering,” Bucky answered.“I’m pretty lucky, actually; I get to work really closely with Dr. Banner.”

“Not to mention yours truly,” Tony said with a wink.“Bucky’s brilliant,” he enthused to Sharon.“I honestly don’t know what we did before we brought him on.”

“Nothing,” Bucky snarked.“You got nothing done.”He gave Sharon and Steve an exaggerated wink.He often hid his fears and anxieties in false bravado.The people around him usually found it funny.Sometimes it even helped Bucky feel better about himself.Steve and Sharon laughed, and Pepper joined in.It didn’t make him feel better.

“Are you seeing anyone, Dr. Barnes?” Sharon asked.

Bucky took a large gulp of his drink.Steve made a delicious Dark and Stormy.“No,” he lied, his voice a little husky from the spiced rum Steve had used in his cocktail.“Not much of a dating pool for a guy like me around here.”Bucky felt a bit as though he’d stabbed himself in the heart as he said this.He hoped the expression on his face wasn’t obvious.

“It’s really a shame,” Pepper said.“You’d really be quite the catch, Bucky.Maybe we could set you up with Sam the next time he comes down?”

“Yeah, maybe,” Bucky said in the most non-committal tone he could muster.He finished his drink.It was a shame he’d consumed it so quickly— he’d have to get Steve to make it for him again sometime, when he could actually enjoy it.“I really should be off,” he said.“Have fun!Be safe!”He rose quickly from his chair, gave them all a wave, and left as hurriedly as he could.If there were tears streaming down his face as he rode his bike home; well, it was cold, and the wind stung his eyes.It had nothing to do with the jealousy and worthlessness eating at his brain.

Bucky was waiting on the bed naked when Steve got in from his Valentine’s date with Sharon.He’d put a bottle of champagne, a box of chocolates, and a bouquet of roses on the nightstand next to Steve’s side of the bed.He couldn’t help but smile at the grin on Steve’s face when he saw them.Making others smile was the best way Bucky had found to combat his feelings of inadequacy. 

“How was it?” he asked as Steve began to strip out of his suit and climb on top of Bucky.

“Horrible,” Steve said, giving Bucky a passionate kiss.“I wish you hadn’t left, Darling, although I definitely don’t blame you.Sharon’s _too_ nice.I told her I wasn’t interested in anything right now and she still kissed me goodnight.”Steve made a face at this.

“Yeah?” Bucky said with a deep laugh.“You like it when I’m mean to you, Doll?”Bucky was still feeling a little jealous.He knew exactly how he wanted to channel the emotion, though, and it involved making Steve feel so good he’d forget all physical contact he’d had with Sharon.

Steve bent his head down so that his lips were on Bucky’s ear.The soft, intimate touch made them both shiver with desire.“Try it and find out, Daddy,” Steve whispered, his lips brushing against Bucky’s skin.“I was naughty tonight, Daddy.I kissed someone who wasn’t you.I think I need you to remind me who I really belong to.”As he finished speaking he closed his lips over Bucky’s earlobe and sucked before giving it a gentle nip.

“Oh I will, Darling,” Bucky said with a growl.He pushed Steve over and took his place on top of him.Steve grinned up at Bucky, his eyes full of love and lust.Bucky knew that Steve would go on fifty dates with fifty different Sharons if it meant getting to keep Bucky.Bucky knew that he’d go to similar lengths to keep Steve.If this was what it took, they would make themselves do it.They’d weather this storm together.Steve was the one thing Bucky knew he could be sure of.


	18. It's a Helluva Feeling Though

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky finally finds out who the mystery man he lost his virginity to was.
> 
> Steve's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, ok, this is my kind of ridiculous fluff and angst.
> 
> Chapter title from "Don't Threaten Me with a Good Time" by Panic! at the Disco.

Bucky had decided to visit his parents for his 27th birthday, which was annoying the others to no end.Tony was always looking for an excuse to party, after all.Steve thought there might have also been an element of jealousy at play as well.Bucky was the only one who could go visit a loving, caring, nuclear family.Steve couldn’t blame any of them in the slightest for the way they felt.

They did an early birthday party on a weeknight instead.Bucky had been perfectly content to just eat pizza, drink beer, smoke weed, and talk.Somehow the subject of losing their virginity came up. “It was absolute amazing,” Bucky said when his turn came, a dreamy look in his eye, “I lost my virginity at a party on my 18th birthday to the most beautiful twink I've ever seen.It was my first kegger, too.At…”Bucky had to think for a moment before he continued, saying, “at Marvel U.!That’s where you all went for undergrad, right?”

The Avengers looked at each other.“Bucky, not only did we all go there, but we hosted more than our fair share of keggers,” Nat said.

“I remained very invested in making sure my friends had the best college experience possible, even after my graduation,” Tony informed Bucky solemnly.

Bucky shook his head.“That is crazy,” he said.“I was there for a college visit.Didn’t get good enough scholarships to actually go there, though.Hey, I wonder if you knew the guy— I don’t remember a whole lot, just that he was a seriously gorgeous blonde twink and it was really good sex,” Bucky added.He began to scroll through his phone, apparently looking for a picture.

A deep sense of foreboding was settling over Steve.The last man he’d slept with had been a hot, dark-haired guy called Jay who’d looked fairly young and seemed to have more theoretical than practical knowledge about sex.Steve had just assumed he was a freshman— it was a college party, after all, and they were both drunk.Steve remembered there had been something that had drawn him to the guy.It had been a strong sense that this boy might become very important to Steve.Steve hadn’t seen him again, so he chalked the feeling up to being drunk.He started dating Nat soon after.

If Steve had any remaining doubts about who Bucky’s hot twink had been, or who Steve’s own mystery boy was, Bucky’s barely-whispered “holy shit” was enough to confirm that his guess was right.Steve forced himself to join the others in craning their heads over Bucky’s shoulder to get a look.

Steve was significantly younger in the photo, of course, and so was Bucky.Steve was skinnier, too; he’d hit his full height, thanks to the medical trials he’d participated in during college, but he hadn’t filled out yet.Bucky’s hair was short and fluffy.Steve was clearly taking the selfie.It was obvious they were both plastered.

“Right, so, um, that’s Steve,” Tony said awkwardly.“He’s, uh— great guy, real successful, into girls now, uh, dated Nat for a bit, actually…”

“Nat, is that your hair?” Pepper asked curiously, pointing at the flash of red in the background.

“Probably,” Nat said.She was staring at the photo in what appeared to be delighted fascination.

“Well,” said Steve, sitting down heavily and exhaling, “I can’t decide if I’m horrified or honored.Happy belated 18th birthday, Bucky.Holy Mary, Mother of God, I hope you were legal in that photo.”

“Of course I was,” Bucky said.“It was literally my birthday that day.”

“You didn’t know how old he was?” Pepper asked, horrified.

“It’s not like we checked IDs at the door,” Tony said, now looking horrified himself.“I wonder how many other high schoolers… oh my God.”Tony paled and sat down heavily as well.Tony had been a notorious womanizer before he and Pepper had finally gotten serious.Steve was willing to bet that Tony had come to the conclusion that Bucky was probably not the first or last barely-18-year-old that had attended one of their parties.It was a horrifying prospect.

“Well,” said Nat reasonably, “There’s not much we can do about it now.”

“I’m… gonna go for a walk,” Steve said, feeling dazed.

“I’m gonna go with you,” Bucky said, sounding as dazed as Steve felt.

As they walked out of the apartment, Tony called out, “He’d better still be a virgin when he gets back, Steve, or I’m gonna have to fire you.”

Steve knew Tony was joking, but Tony’s words sent a chill down Steve’s spine anyway.“Yessir, I’ll have him home by eight,” he quipped.Bucky shut the door after them.

They walked in silence for a while.Steve itched to hold Bucky’s hand, but with the streetlights he wasn’t sure they wouldn’t be spotted.Eventually, Bucky spoke.“You regret it,” he said quietly.“I don’t.”

Steve sighed.“I don’t… I don’t know,” he said.“Eighteen is so young, but from thirty, twenty-one seems ridiculously young too.”They continued on in silence for a bit.“I haven’t actually slept with any guys since you, then,” Steve confessed suddenly.“It was you, then Nat, and then I was single and not looking for a long time.Eventually I dated Peggy, but then she moved back to London and long distance didn’t work… and then you came back into my life.”

Bucky frowned, his eyebrows knitting together.“I think I’m actually… honored,” Bucky said slowly.They reached a park and, by an unspoken agreement, headed towards the dark grove of trees in the middle of it.Their hands met as the light faded. 

Steve knew there was a picnic table in the middle of the grove.He led Bucky to it and sat on the table, his feet on the bench with his legs spread wide.His hands went to Bucky’s hips and he pulled Bucky forward, leaving some space between them.Bucky placed his hands on Steve’s biceps and moved to close the distance, but Steve shook his head.

“Bucky,” Steve said slowly, looking up into his eyes, “have you ever met someone and just— just _known_ that this person was going to be very important to you?And you don’t know how, and you don’t know why, and you’re definitely not ready for whatever it is, but you just— you just _know_?”Bucky didn’t seem to be able to answer.He was staring at Steve as though Steve had just gifted him with the sun, moon, and stars.“That’s how I felt when I saw you that night,” Steve told Bucky softly.“When I didn’t see you again, I just thought— well, I was drunk, you know?”

“I always had a feeling I’d meet that guy again,” Bucky said, his voice equally soft.“What’re the odds.”He knelt on the bench between Steve’s legs and hugged Steve.Steve held Bucky now, reaching up to run a hand through his soft black hair.“Steve,” Bucky said, still quiet, “I’ve been thinking this for a while, but I may as well say it now.I want to figure out how to do this long-term, if you’re ok with that.”

Steve felt himself choke up.He pulled back so he could look at Bucky.“I don’t plan on going anywhere unless you ask me to, Dr. James Buchanan Barnes,” Steve replied.“I’m in love with you.”

“I’m in love with you, too, Steven Grant Rogers,” Bucky said, his voice cracking.

Steve took Bucky’s head gently in his hands as Bucky shifted from his kneeling position to sitting on Steve’s lap, his legs wrapped around Steve’s waist.They kissed softly, and then their eyes met.“I’m going to miss you while you’re away,” Steve whispered.

“I’ll call you every day,” Bucky whispered back.He kissed Steve again, soft and light, his lips just brushing against Steve’s.

Steve’s phone buzzed.It was Nat asking where they were.Steve sighed and showed his phone to Bucky.They exchanged one last kiss, slow and sensual.Then Steve texted “on our way.”He and Bucky walked back slowly, holding hands when they could, fingertips just barely brushing when they walked under a streetlight. 

When they got back to Bucky and Nat’s apartment everyone was able to laugh about the situation.Bucky obligingly sent the photo to the group chat with the caption “cradle robber!” and a laughing emoji.Steve left with Pepper, Tony, and Bruce.Once Nat and Clint had gone to bed Bucky snuck Steve back in and they went to bed themselves.They fucked silently, intimately, and then made out until Bucky fell asleep.Steve hated leaving like this, but he knew they had no choice.He laid a gentle kiss on Bucky’s forehead and slipped out, as silently as he’d come.


	19. Only Got Bad Things on My Mind When I'm With You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Oh, sure, we can talk,” Tony said in a tone that clearly indicated that listening would not be involved. “Why don’t we talk about how long you’ve been lying to me, Steve?”
> 
> Bucky's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: "Whisky" is the Irish spelling. "Whiskey" is the Scottish spelling. Steve only drinks Irish whisky. The others are less picky.
> 
> Chapter title from "Sweet Disaster" by Dreamers.

Bucky got back from New York just in time for Tony’s next party.The event quickly devolved into a drunken mess.It was Saint Patrick’s Day, which meant that Steve was drinking whisky like the Irish bastard he was.Bucky kept pace.So, it seemed, did the vast majority of attendees.The only people at the party who were sober were Tony and Pepper, who had decided to try some cleanse together for pre-wedding weight loss, and a few older board members who’d been cajoled into attending since they’d missed the last few parties.

Bucky and Nat had just finished dancing to some Irish music.People were clapping and cheering from where they sat at tables and on couches while they watched the other drunk people dance and passed bottles of whisky and Guinness.The Avengers were all sitting together, along with the board members that Tony had convinced to come. 

Nat went to Clint and sat on his lap for a kiss.Bucky headed toward his seat on the couch between Steve and a board member.That was when Steve, very drunk and happy that Bucky was back from New York, forgot himself. 

“That was amazing, my darling.Oh, Love, I’m so happy you’re back,” Steve said.He proceeded to pull Bucky in for a kiss like it was the most natural thing in the world.Everything else around Bucky faded away; the only other person who existed right now was Steve.Bucky kissed back on instinct, happy and lazy.He wrapped his arms around Steve’s neck and shoulders and sat on Steve’s lap, his knees hugging Steve’s hips, his thighs and calves on either side of Steve’s thighs.They broke the kiss and stayed there, foreheads and noses touching, contented smiles on their faces.Then Bucky leaned in closer and began to kiss Steve deeply, enjoying the way he tasted with the added pepper of the whisky.One of Steve’s hands dropped down to Bucky’s ass and began to pull him in closer still.

“What the _fuck_,” a voice said, jolting Bucky back to his senses.He realized it was Tony.Bucky pulled back in horror and scrambled off of Steve’s lap.

“I’m so sorry, Steve, I— oh, fuck, Stevie, I—_Rogers_—“ Bucky heard the panic rising in his voice.He didn’t know what to do.All he could do was look at Steve, who was looking back at Bucky with a mixture of pain, longing, and despair.

“What the hell,” the board member sitting on their couch said.

“No, Buck, it’s my fault, it’s always been my fault, you know I—“ But Steve couldn’t continue.He’d risen as he’d said this, reaching for Bucky’s hand, before helplessly sinking back down and burying his face in his hands instead.

“Steven?” Another board member asked gently, clearly concerned.

“I- I should—“ Bucky started, but he still wasn’t sure what to do or say.He settled for grabbing one of the half-drunk bottles of whisky on the nearest table and chugging.After a quarter of the bottle was gone he slammed it back on the table, swayed, and stumbled off towards the bedrooms.

Steve quickly caught up with him.He was holding the bottle Bucky had just abandoned.He pushed Bucky into the nearest bedroom and shut the door, then chugged the rest of the whisky.He dropped it to the floor with a loud thunk.“I’m not going through any of this without you,” Steve told Bucky forcefully.He pulled Bucky in and kissed him, hard and desperate.Bucky kissed back with fire of his own.Tomorrow they would face the inquisition; tonight, they had each other.

They didn’t worry about being quiet anymore, since it was too late to hide.They stripped quickly.Steve grabbed some lube he knew was hidden in the nightstand and pushed Bucky onto the bed roughly.Bucky moaned as Steve began to open him up, brushing and kneading his prostate in the process.“Please,” he begged, “Please, Stevie, I need you.”

“Anything for you, my love,” Steve replied, his voice dark and gravelly.He removed his fingers from Bucky’s ass and proceeded to liberally lube his own cock.Steve sank into Bucky as quickly as he dared, clearly just as desperate for Bucky as Bucky was for Steve.Bucky whined as Steve began to pound him, begging him to go faster.Steve complied and nailed Bucky’s prostate.Bucky was reduced to quivering with pleasure, emitting a series of high-pitched, breathy moans with each of Steve’s thrusts.

“I love you, Bucky,” Steve began, half babbling.“I love you so much.I love everything about you.I love your tight little asshole.I love your hair.I love your smile.I love your heart, and your brain, and the way you make me feel so— fucking— good— AAAghhh!”Steve came as he finished talking.He quickly kissed Bucky, hard and passionate, clearly still wanting more.

“My turn,” Bucky whispered.Steve obediently flipped onto his back as Bucky lubed his fingers.Steve whined as Bucky opened him up, massaging his prostate until all Steve could do was babble variations of “fuck me” over and over.So Bucky fucked Steve, as hard and rough as Steve had fucked him, telling Steve exactly what he thought of his beautiful body and heart and mind the way Steve had told him.Bucky sobbed as he came, telling Steve over and over again that he loved him; promising that he would never run again.

Bucky and Steve emerged together in the morning, definitely looking and feeling worse for wear.They held each other’s hands for moral support.All their friends except Tony and Pepper were waiting for them.Breakfast and coffee were on the table.

“Where are Tony and Pepper?” Steve asked wearily.

“Emergency board meeting,” Bruce explained.“Your position on the board has had to be suspended until they can talk about next steps.”He sighed.“Hopefully, you’ll just get a slap on the wrist and a special dispensation, because I can’t have my best research partner fired or moping, and I’m pretty sure the whole marketing department would go with you if you left, Steve.I wouldn’t count on them going easy on you, though, since you two weren’t exactly… subtle last night.”Bruce blushed as he said this.Steve turned a deep crimson.Bucky couldn’t find it in himself to be embarrassed, however.He was a bit beyond caring this morning.

“I am impressed that you two made it nearly five months before getting caught,” Nat said casually.“We’re all on your side, by the way.Well, Tony and Pepper aren’t, but the rest of us are.”She sipped her coffee.

“How’d you know?” Bucky asked, impressed and annoyed.

“You started masturbating less,” Nat replied.“You’ve been shouting Steve’s name since we moved here, did you realize that?”

Bucky paled.“I… hadn’t,” he said slowly.Steve squeezed his hand.

“Here’s the thing,” Clint said, setting down his coffee carafe.“Steve, overall, you’ve been a hell of a lot happier lately than we’re used to seeing you.Like, there have actually been rumors among the security guards that you’ve been seeing someone, because you’re actually leaving the office before dinner time on Fridays and you’re not coming in on the weekends.”

“That’s a good thing,” Nat clarified.

“We haven’t seen enough of Tony and Pepper to know how angry they are,” Bruce told them.“But as your friends, and as Stark Industry employees, we’ll do what we can.”

“Thank you,” Bucky rasped.Steve seemed to be too overcome by emotion to say anything.

The tension as the group waited for Pepper and Tony was unbearable.Bucky and Steve tried to eat; Steve didn’t take more than a few bites, and the food kept sticking in Bucky’s throat.They drank their coffee instead.Finally, they heard a car drive up.The front door slammed and Tony stalked into the kitchen, followed by a fuming Pepper.Steve’s hand met Bucky’s under the table.Bucky gave it a light squeeze.

“You,” Tony hissed.“Why are you still here?”He was ignoring Bucky completely; all his anger seemed to be directed at Steve.

“We thought,” Nat said calmly, “That you would want to talk.”

“Oh, sure, we can _talk_,” Tony said in a tone that clearly indicated that listening would not be involved.“Why don’t we talk about how long you’ve been _lying_ to me, _Steve_?”

Steve looked pained.“Since August,” he whispered.“But we- we didn’t really- well—“

“I asked Steve to have an affair with me after Halloween and he said yes,” Bucky interjected.He was surprised at how strong his voice sounded.He felt like a naughty child at the principal’s office.

Tony looked stunned.“Halloween,” he repeated.“So when I thought you were carpooling.Friendsgiving, when you went to bed early.You went on a _date_!”

“I offered to draw up sexual harassment paperwork for you, Barnes,” Pepper spat.Bucky looked at Pepper sadly and tried to speak, but Tony interrupted.

“Those were all things you’d done before,” Tony said, now looking horrified.“Steve, I asked you then what was wrong.Why didn’t you just _tell_ me?”

Steve looked more tired than Bucky had ever seen him.“Because I was selfish,” he said.His hold on Bucky’s hand tightened.“I didn’t want Bucky to get in trouble, I didn’t want to stop seeing him, and I didn’t want to leave Stark Industries.”Tony opened his mouth to speak, but Steve shook his head.“I’m not finished, Tony.”Steve let go of Bucky’s hand and wrapped his arm tightly around Bucky instead.Bucky grabbed onto Steve’s other hand with both of his own.“Stark Industries has policies in place for a reason.I understand why just as well as you do.Hell, Tony, I helped you draft them.But Tony, if I have to choose, I’m going to choose Bucky.” 

Bucky’s breath caught in his chest.He looked up at Steve and realized that Steve was facing Tony with the same steely resolve that Bucky had seen on his face so many times before.Steve was serious.

“Think about what you’re saying,” Tony warned.

“I don’t have to,” Steve said.“I love Bucky.I choose him, for as long as he’ll have me.”Steve looked down at Bucky, steel melting to tenderness.Bucky met Steve’s gaze with a nod.

“You’re gonna be stuck with me for a while then, Pal,” Bucky said, still sounding much braver than he felt.He gave a shaky laugh.

Tony looked furious.“We were _friends_, Steve!We grew up together!” he yelled.

“I hope we still _are_ friends,” Steve said sadly.

Tony didn’t respond.He stalked out of the kitchen, slamming doors in his wake.

“Barnes, Rogers, you’re both officially on paid administrative leave.I would recommend you find some good lawyers,” Pepper informed them.She started to follow Tony.

“Pepper, no!” Bruce called after her, standing up in his distress.“I need Bucky in the lab!”

Pepper turned on her heel and faced Steve and Bucky.Every line of her face was etched with anger.“Maybe they should have thought of that before deciding to violate company policy,” she hissed.

As soon as Pepper left, Nat spoke.“Alright everyone, let’s move.Be at my apartment in 15 minutes.”Without hesitation, everyone got up and filed out the back door after Natasha.Bucky felt sick.He had known that being discovered would be bad, but this was turning out far worse than he could have expected.


	20. Who Are These People?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group talks strategy. The CIA gets involved.
> 
> Steve's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "Don't Threaten Me With a Good Time" by Panic! at the Disco.

Steve had known Tony would be angry.He’d weathered angry Tony before.This was on a whole new level.

Nat gathered the group around a large whiteboard in the living area of the apartment she and Bucky shared.Bruce had bought the largest size coffee for everyone and had ordered pizza, which was on its way.Clint was assembling what looked suspiciously like burner phones.“Sam’s on his way down,” Nat informed them.“He says he has some vacation due.And I’ve got a call in to some of my contacts for a lawyer.Now,” she said, turning to the whiteboard, “First thing’s first.Steve, Bucky, is there any sort of paper trail?Phone records, emails, anything that could be considered incriminating?”

Bucky shook his head.“Unless our cell phones have been recorded or wiretapped, we should be clear.We hacked together, Nat, you know I’m careful.”Steve suddenly understood why Bucky had always insisted any conversations about their affair be conducted over the phone via an unlisted number or in person.Steve had put it down to the type of paranoia typical of tech guys.It had all been part of Bucky’s efforts to protect Steve.

Nat nodded.“Surveillance?”

“Potentially incriminating, but not the worst,” Bucky said.“All in-office non-official conversations were held in Steve’s office with the door and blinds shut after work hours.”Steve was extremely thankful that Bucky had been so conscientious.

“Clint?” Nat asked.

“I’ll have my people confirm,” Clint said as he finished assembling burner phones.“Here,” he said distributing them.“For confidential conversations only.I know it’s overkill, but if Tony and Pepper’s lawyers find out we’re mounting a defense already, it could mean trouble.We all know Tony has a vindictive streak a mile wide.”Steve saw Bucky turn pale.He rubbed Bucky’s back as he sipped his coffee.Bucky leaned into Steve and gave him a grateful glance.

“I’ll also check on the minutes from today’s board meeting,” Clint continued.“They should be public record.If Tony or Pepper called executive session we’re looking at some serious problems.We may be able to figure out what went on from security tapes, but that could put us on shaky legal ground,” Clint informed them.

“Executive session?” Bucky asked, confused.

“It means the meeting was private,” Steve explained.“Any and all records from the meeting would be sealed.Typically, though, no minutes are taken in executive session,” Steve told him.“It means we’d have no clue what the board really thinks or if the decision to place us on leave and suspend me from the board was a Tony and Pepper decision or a board decision.”Steve hated having to think like this.It was too much like the circumstances surrounding Stane’s ouster as CFO.

“And we can’t outright ask any board members what they think, because if it goes to court, it could be considered witness tampering,” Clint continued.

“Do you really think this will go to court?” Bruce asked, surprised.“Shouldn’t we be able to deal with this in mediation?”

Nat shook her head.“You heard Tony, he’s past listening.I can’t say I blame him, either.Sorry, Steve,” she added.“But this isn’t the first time your decision not to communicate has led to issues.”

Steve felt himself becoming angry.“Did you have to bring that up, Nat?” he asked.

“Yes, I did,” Nat said cooly.“If you’d checked your goddamn phone like a normal person you would have known what I’d decided.Should I have reached out more?Yes.But you didn’t even do the bare minimum, Steve.”

“This is nothing like that,” Steve growled.

Bucky sighed.“No, Steve, it is kinda like that,” he said sadly, sitting upright and looking at him.“We were both so scared of what Tony _might_ think that instead of talking to him, like he would have wanted, we just made a decision and went with it.The way both you _and _Nat did.”Steve blinked at Bucky, feeling a bit betrayed, although he appreciated Bucky laying blame on Nat as well.“It doesn’t mean either situation would have been any easier,” Bucky admitted.Bucky must have guessed how Steve was feeling from the look on his face, because he gave Steve a gentle kiss on the cheek before leaning back up against him.

“Moving on," Nat said, “We need a timeline.Steve, Bucky, when did this start?Back at the very beginning, not counting losing your virginity, Bucky.”

Steve and Bucky looked at each other.“Well,” Steve said slowly, “When I walked into your apartment and realized that Bucky was _not_ your boyfriend and was actually really adorable and really gay.”

Nat looked exasperated.“You thought I was dating Bucky?” she asked, incredulous.Steve, Clint, and Bruce nodded.

Bucky started laughing.“Oh my God you guys, we literally couldn’t make it through one date,” he said.“I went ‘oh shit, sorry, you’re really cool but I’m realizing that I’m definitely gay, not bi’ and Nat just said cool and asked if I needed a wing woman.”He shook his head and grinned, then turned serious.“But actually, Steve, you walked in and I really started hoping you were into guys.”Steve grinned in delight at this.

“So love at second first sight, cute,” said Clint.“And then you guys fucked all weekend and stopped… when exactly?”

“Was it breaking up if it was just a weekend?” Steve asked Bucky.Bucky shrugged.“Well, it was at 7:55 a.m. the Monday Bucky started work.”

Bucky nodded.“I saw the clock say 8:00 when I started talking to Gina about getting my badge and paperwork,” he said.

“Ok, good,” Nat said.“That establishes a relationship prior to official employment and indicates that you were attempting to abide by company rules.When was the next time you two did anything?”

“Well, Halloween,” Bucky said.“Except we were too drunk to actually do anything.”

“I’d like the record to reflect that as soon as I saw Bucky looking like a goddamn wet dream I tried to leave, but Tony wouldn’t let me,” Steve said.Bucky couldn’t conceal how happy he was when Steve said that.Steve found it adorable.

“No need to use legalese here, Steve,” Nat said smoothly.Steve watched as Bucky’s face changed.Steve saw a flash of recognition in his eyes.

“Nat, don’t lie to Steve, you and Clint are conducting this like an actual investigation,” Bucky said.“I know the CIA has a vested interest in making sure StarkTech secrets don’t get leaked.”

“Damn it, Barnes,” Nat said angrily.“Now we can’t use the tapes as evidence.”

Bucky rolled his eyes.“We both have the skills to edit this out without being obvious and you know it,” he said.“But I want payment for all those government websites we hacked into.”

“The payment went directly to your student loan servicer,” Nat muttered.

“Good,” Bucky said with a nod.

Steve felt like a rug had been pulled out from under him.Bruce was staring from Nat to Clint and back again like he felt the same way.Maybe they were still drunk?

“Anyway,” Bucky continued, “Steve left the next morning before we could talk.The next time we saw each other was the Friday after the Halloween party.I went to Steve’s office at 6 p.m. and asked him to have an affair with me.”

“I said yes,” Steve added, sounding dazed.“Sorry,” he apologized, “still wrapping my head around… everything.”He was careful not to say what he was actually thinking, which was involving lots of exclamation points and the word ‘spy.’He knew they’d need this information if it did go to court.

“Ok,” Nat said.“Did you ever have sex on company time?”

“No,” Bucky said.

“Did you ever have sex on company property?” Clint asked.

“Yes,” Steve said.“After hours, though, obviously.”Bruce looked horrified.

“Did you ever discuss your work during your trysts?” Nat asked.

“Only tangentially,” Bucky answered.“In that sort of ‘Hi Honey, how was your day?’ way.”

“It’s not like our work overlaps much,” Steve added.“All I know about Bucky’s project is that it isn’t one that’s going to be marketed.We’ll be subjected to more regulation and guidelines than if it was another StarkPad or something.”

“I can confirm that we’ve had almost no contact with the marketing department regarding this project,” Bruce interjected.“Also, if this is being noted for the record, anything more can’t be said about our project due to non-disclosure agreements and current government contracts.”

Steve laughed.“I love that this is all basically a fancy way of saying that I can’t even talk about how little I know about what my boyfriend works on,” he said, smiling at Bucky.It was nice to be able to use the word openly now.

Nat nodded at Clint.“I think we have all we need for now,” she said.

“I think we owe them some truth, ‘Tasha,” Clint said softly.“You can’t berate Steve for keeping secrets when we’ve been keeping some of our own.”

Nat sighed heavily.“Bucky, part of the reason you were hired and assigned to Bruce’s project was because I was able to vouch for you.From a humanitarian standpoint, what you’re working on is incredible.From a defense standpoint, it’s terrifying.The original idea was for me to work on the project, but you’re much better at all this than I am, Bucky.I suggested we get Clint on as an agent, since he was already working in security, and when you applied— because of course you did, who wouldn’t apply to work at SI— I asked Tony to hire you and assign you to Bruce.Of course he did, we’re friends and he has no clue what I do for a living.”

Steve closed his eyes.They’d all been lying to Tony.He was also becoming very curious about what Bucky, Bruce, and Tony were working on.“So, am I allowed to know what this project even is?” Steve asked, opening his eyes again.

Nat, Clint, Bruce, and Bucky exchanged glances.Nat nodded.Bruce was the one to answer.“Essentially, bionic prosthetics,” he told Steve.“The goal is to create a false limb that can send and receive biofeedback, just like a real limb would.We had reached a point where the limb could sense and send feedback, but it wasn’t making any sense.We realized we needed a computers guy— someone who could, essentially, give the arm its own AI.The project literally can’t continue without Bucky’s involvement at this point.He’s running the entire CS portion of it.”

“Holy shit,” Steve whispered.That was incredible.It was something out of a sci-fi movie, and it couldn’t happen without the love of his life, because the love of his life was just that much of a goddamn genius.He pulled Bucky in for a kiss.“My darling, you are _brilliant_,” Steve told him.

“I know, Doll,” Bucky said with a wink.He smiled and settled back against Steve.

“The thing is,” Nat said, “This means that this entire situation has created a security risk.Everyone in this room knows that you aren’t going to retaliate by running to the Russians or Iran, Bucky, but the Pentagon doesn’t know that.The CIA as an organization doesn’t know that.Even the FDA is going to be twitchy when they hear; the Pentagon has been clamoring for the approval process to be fast tracked.They’re pretending it’s for the VA, but we all know it’s a matter of time before someone figures out how to weaponize it.”

Steve thought he must have gone as pale as Bucky and Bruce had as Nat spoke.“So what do we do?” he asked quietly.

“Well, I think I’ve found you two a lawyer,” Nat said, checking her phone.“We’ll keep your case together; it’ll be best for the two of you in the long run, I think.In the meantime, we’ll see if Sam can try and mediate.”

Steve shook his head.“That’s not gonna go well,” he informed Nat.“Sam figured out what was going on within…”

“Five minutes of meeting me,” Bucky finished.

“Shit,” Clint swore.Steve privately agreed.He pulled Bucky closer and began to silently say a Hail Mary.


	21. I'm Not as Think as You Drunk I Am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky and Steve make some terrible life choices.
> 
> Bucky's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Brief homophobic language.
> 
> If you want a lesson on how not to deal with your problems, this right here is it.
> 
> Chapter title from "Don't Threaten Me With a Good Time" by Panic! at the Disco.

It had been quite a morning.Bucky knew it was a dumb idea, but as soon as the pizza arrived and war meeting broke up he grabbed the bottle of vodka out of the freezer and made himself a very strong Screwdriver.Steve grabbed a glass out of the cupboard and plunked it down next to Bucky’s, so Bucky made Steve one too.“You ever been on a bender, Buck?” Steve asked as he knocked back his drink and poured himself another.

“Nope,” Bucky said as he followed suit.“But if I die of alcohol poisoning today I’ve at least made it to the 27 club, so there’s that.”Steve poured Bucky a second drink and passed it back to him.Bucky grimaced as he took a sip— Steve had made it much stronger than Bucky would have.Bucky’s idea of a strong Screwdriver was a 2:1 ratio of orange juice to vodka; Steve’s was apparently a 1:1.

Steve sighed.“I know there are much better and healthier ways to deal with our problems, my love, but damn it, I don’t want to think right now.”Bucky watched as he took a long gulp of his drink.

“Move in with me, Steve,” Bucky said suddenly.He wasn’t sure where it came from— he certainly hadn’t asked Nat— but he was absolutely, one hundred percent sure it was what he wanted.

Steve stared at Bucky.“Are you sure?” he asked.He looked like he couldn’t believe what he’d heard, but he desperately wanted it to be true.

“I’m positive,” Bucky assured him.“Gives us a reason to sober up when we’re done with our bender.We can’t move stuff if we’re drunk.”Bucky paused and took a large gulp of his drink.“… How long do benders last, anyway?” he asked Steve.

Steve shrugged.“However long you want ‘em to, I guess,” he replied.Steve finished his drink and poured himself another one.Then he pulled out his phone and began setting alarms.“Alright,” he told Bucky, “let’s spend the next two days drunk off our asses.When the alarms go off we’ll start getting sober and we’ll move in together.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Bucky said.He finished his drink and let Steve pour him another one.

“No it does _not_,” Nat said emphatically as she entered the kitchen.“You have a meeting with a lawyer this afternoon at three.”She glared at Steve and Bucky.

“Well, that’s gonna be fun,” Steve said.As if to prove his point, he chugged his third Screwdriver and poured himself a fourth.Bucky found himself overcome by stress and alcohol; he started laughing maniacally.

“When did I become the responsible one?” Nat asked, throwing her hands up in the air.

“Nat,” Steve said, looking tired again, “Except for approximately one month after Ma died, I have spent the last 30ish years _trying_ to be pretty damn responsible.Just— just shut up and let me be a goddamn fucking idiot on purpose for just once in my life, ok?Two days of complete and utter irresponsibility, where all I have to think about is what Bucky and I are gonna eat when we’re not eating each other out.”

Bucky had started drinking again when Steve started talking; he realized with a start that he’d finished his third Screwdriver.Steve noticed and grabbed the glass from him, pouring a fourth and pushing it back to Bucky almost without looking.Steve was glowering at Nat instead.

“Ok,” Nat said finally, “but this is happening at your apartment.Not here.”

“Fine,” Steve said, not looking away from Nat.

“And I’m sending Sam in to babysit once he gets here,” Nat added.

“Sucks to be Sam,” was all Steve said.He chugged his drink again, but this time he didn’t refill his glass.“Come on, Buck,” he said, rising from the kitchen stool.“We can walk.We should stop by the store on the way.”

Bucky shook his head, but he was smiling at Steve.He chugged his own drink and got up as well.

“Ok, no,” Nat said with another large sigh.“I’m driving.And yes, we’ll stop by the store on the way.”Bucky grinned at Steve, who grinned back.

Steve couldn't keep his hands off of Bucky, and Bucky found himself following suit.It was incredibly freeing to realize they didn’t have a reason to hide anymore.Nat ended up doing most of the actual shopping.Steve had filled the cart with alcohol; Nat was the one who made sure food made it into the cart as well.Bucky was dimly aware that they were drawing stares as they kissed their way through the store, giggling like teenagers, but he was too drunk on vodka and Steve to care.

“People. Are. Staring,” Nat hissed at them as they kissed in the frozen food aisle.

“I am too,” Steve said with a smile as he brushed Bucky’s hair back and gazed lovingly into Bucky’s eyes.“I got the most handsome guy in the world with me right now, and he’s all mine,” he continued, a little louder than he probably meant to.

Bucky knew he was grinning like an idiot.“Right back atcha, Pal,” he told Steve with a wink and a playful squeeze of Steve’s ass.Steve giggled and nuzzled Bucky’s face before going in for another kiss.

“I knew that fag was gonna be a bad influence,” they heard someone mutter as they passed by.“Turning sweet, innocent Steve like that.”

“Change of plan,” Nat said loudly.“Feel free to make out as much as you want.”

Steve grinned at Bucky wickedly and picked him up without warning, causing Bucky to give a small, embarrassing squeak.Bucky wrapped his legs around Steve’s waist and his arms around Steve’s shoulders as Steve firmly held him by the ass with one arm, the other wrapped around Bucky’s back, hand buried in Bucky’s hair.He began to cover Bucky’s neck and jaw in kisses.

“Stevie, you’re gonna get us killed,” Bucky whispered into Steve’s ear.Not that he didn’t appreciate what Steve was doing to him right now.It was just that Bucky had known enough people who’d gotten beaten up or threatened for being LGBT that he’d learned to be cautious about excessive PDA when passers by were making nasty comments.

Steve looked at Bucky with concern.“You’re really afraid, Darling?” he asked.

“A bit,” Bucky admitted.Steve set Bucky back down, but he didn’t let go.

“I will literally fight anyone who threatens you,” Steve vowed.

“Really?” Bucky asked, awed and a little terrified.

“He literally fought someone for stealing a dime when we were in second grade,” Nat informed Bucky as she began to steer them towards the checkout line.

“It was for the collection basket!” Steve said angrily.Clearly he was still not over the incident.

Bucky found himself laughing.“Why am I not surprised,” he said, gazing at Steve adoringly.Of course he would fall in love with the most angry, righteous person he had ever met.

They made it out of the store without further incident.Bucky and Steve separated long enough to help Nat load the trunk of her car.They were nearly finished when someone from the Stark Industries board of directors approached them.It was one of the women who’d been sitting with their group last night.Bucky put his arm around Steve in an instinctive desire to protect him as he saw the look of sadness and reproach on the board member’s face.Steve did the same.

“Mr. Rogers, Dr. Barnes,” she said.“Natasha.”

“Good to see you, Jane,” Steve said.His tone was friendly, but his eyes were wary.Bucky could tell he was straining to act more sober than he felt.

“I was so disappointed to find out you were in violation of your own policies, Steven,” Jane said.“We’re all worried about you, you know— you’re always so responsible, so reliable.”Her eyes flicked from Steve’s face to the beer in the back of Nat’s car, then back again.

“Love doth make fools of us all,” Steve quoted, looking at Bucky with a soft smile.Bucky smiled back and gave Steve a small squeeze.He could tell Steve needed support.

Jane shook her head.“When you’re a child, Steven,” she said, “not when you’re a man with responsibilities.”Bucky didn’t like the implicit hint that theirs was not and could not be a serious relationship.He decided to speak up.

“Well,” Bucky said lightly, “I blame Nat for not introducing us sooner.We could have been going on our four year anniversary instead of our nine month if she’d done her job as wing woman properly.”Bucky looked over at Nat and gave her a wink.Nat just rolled her eyes.

“Oh?” Jane said.There was a change in her tone that Bucky couldn’t place.

“It was love at first sight,” Steve said, looking down at Bucky and smiling again.Bucky noted that he was slightly more relaxed now.“I’d heard all about how caring and brilliant and funny he was from Nat, of course, but when I actually met Bucky—“

“We just couldn’t keep our eyes off each other, could we, Stevie,” Bucky said with a laugh.Steve was so beautiful— how would anyone look away?

“It was gross,” Nat interjected.“It’s still gross.Actually, it’s even grosser now that they’re not trying to hide it.”She sounded grumpy, but Bucky realized her face was soft.

Jane sighed.“You boys really were between a rock and a hard place, weren’t you,” she said.Bucky had to work very hard to ignore the unconscious innuendo in her words.

“You have no idea,” Steve said softly, not taking his eyes off of Bucky.

Jane shook her head.“I don’t like this.It’s all too much like what happened with Stane, but for significantly less cause.Don’t quote me on that,” she added seriously.“Besides,” she continued, “I don’t like to see you and Tony fighting like this.”She rested a hand on Steve’s shoulder.“I’ll do what I can,” she told them.

“Thank you,” Steve said warmly.Bucky nodded.Jane took their empty cart and went into the store.Steve opened the back door of Nat’s car for Bucky and then climbed in after him, collapsing into Bucky’s lap with a giggle.“I was waaaay too drunk for that,” he told Bucky with a lazy grin.Bucky laughed and kissed Steve.They made out all the way back to Steve’s apartment while Nat studiously ignored them.

They started prepping for sex on Steve’s couch before Nat even left.Bucky thought she said goodbye, but he was too busy pulling Steve’s hair while fingering him from behind over the arm of the couch to really pay attention.Once they were alone Bucky lubed up his dick and began fucking Steve in earnest.They came at the same time and then collapsed together, laughing drunkenly.“You’re the best worst decision I’ve ever made,” Steve informed Bucky lovingly.

“Really?” Bucky said with a grin.“Because you’re the worst best decision I’ve ever made.”Steve kissed him.

They decided to take a bath to clean off.Steve got the tub ready and produced several packs of cigarettes from somewhere while Bucky grabbed a bottle of whisky for Steve and a bottle of vodka for himself.They barely fit in the tub together.They sat facing each other, legs intertwined as they sipped liquor, smoked, and talked.

“So, obviously, we both turn to alcohol when we’re looking for unhealthy coping mechanisms,” Steve commented.“Not sure if that’s a good trait to share or a terrible one.”

Bucky thought for a moment.“I mean, we could be using meth,” he pointed out.Steve laughed.“And it’s easier than therapy,” he added.

“Mmph,” Steve replied as he sucked tobacco into his lungs.“Yeah, but at least with therapy you don’t get a hangover and the benefits last longer.”Bucky just shrugged.“What, you’ve never been to therapy?” Steve asked curiously.

This was not the conversation Bucky particularly wanted to be having.“Nah, I’m not really that fucked up, all things considered,” he said, aware that he sounded too casual.He could see that Steve wanted to go further down that road, so Bucky changed the subject.“How come you got all these cigarettes?You ain’t a smoker,” Bucky asked.

“Neither are you, Love,” Steve pointed out.

Bucky shrugged.“If I’m drunk and someone asks if I want one, I don’t say no,” Bucky said.“You, however, seem to have purchased them.”

Steve sighed and looked guilty.“I started in undergrad, just smoking at arts department parties, but after the whole thing with Nat it kinda became a habit,” he told Bucky.“I ‘quit’ three years ago.Now I just do it when I’m goin’ through periods of stress.So- um- these are leftover from—“ Steve blushed and stopped talking.

“October?” Bucky asked softly.Steve must have had a harder time during those three months apart than Bucky had realized.

“Yeah,” Steve replied.

“Well, I don’t mind, long as neither of us make it a habit,” Bucky said with a shrug.

Steve looked relieved.“Thanks for not lecturin’,” he told Bucky.

Bucky blew his smoke into Steve’s face.“That’d be a bit hypocritical right now, Doll,” he said with a smirk.Steve laughed and kissed him.He knew he should find it disgusting, but Bucky realized he actually quite liked it when Steve tasted of cigarettes and whisky.He stubbed out his own cigarette and pulled Steve in close.

The afternoon slowly wore on.The water turned cold, the pile of cigarette butts grew, and the level of their bottles slowly decreased.Steve and Bucky were busy laughing at nothing in particular when Sam entered the room.“Holy hell,” he said, looking at them with horror.“Nat wasn’t lying.”

“Nope,” Steve said, exhaling a large puff of smoke.Bucky was reasonably certain that Steve had no clue what Sam was talking about.Bucky sure didn’t know.

“Jesus, Bucky, Tony even gave you the tattoo?” Sam said with surprise.“No wonder he feels like you betrayed him.”

Bucky looked down at the tattoo on his hip and frowned.He looked over at the identical one on Steve’s hip and smiled.Then he realized that Sam was thinking, and that was certainly not allowed.

“Less think, more drink,” Bucky informed Sam as he held the vodka bottle out to him.

Sam shook his head.“How much have you had?” he asked.Bucky and Steve looked at each other and burst out laughing.“Guys?” Sam asked again, sounding annoyed.

Bucky made eye contact with one of Steve’s eyes and tried to make a mock serious face.“It was nickel shot night,” he slurred.Steve joined in as Bucky held up both his free hand and the bottle of vodka and they finished with, “for a quarter they gave me thiiis many.”Bucky cracked up again.Steve gave a short laugh, following it off with a large gulp of whisky.

“Ok, I’m cutting you off,” Sam informed them sternly.

“But Saaaaam,” Steve whined as he hugged his whisky bottle, “How can we go on a bender if you won’t let us drink?”

“Yeah, Sam,” Bucky said, somewhere between a slur and a drawl.He didn’t actually have the coordination to resist as Sam took the vodka bottle from him, though.He leaned forward to share with Steve, but Sam took that bottle too.Bucky fell on top of Steve instead.Steve’s chest was so warm, and Steve was wrapping his strong arms around him, and Steve’s pecs made such a nice, firm pillow…


	22. And We All Fell Down as the Sun Came Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Bucky continue with their unhealthy coping mechanisms.
> 
> Steve's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're idiots. I love them.
> 
> Chapter title from "Don't Threaten Me With a Good Time" by Panic! at the Disco.

Steve woke up in the bathtub to find Bucky asleep on top of him.He frowned as he took a moment to assess whether he was still drunk.He wasn’t quite sure, so he figured he must still be.He looked over the edge of the tub and saw that Sam had brought back their liquor bottles, but had filled the empty space with what turned out to be flavored seltzer water.The cigarettes were gone.

Bucky looked adorable when he was asleep.His lips were parted slightly and he was drooling on Steve’s chest.Steve pressed a kiss to Bucky’s forehead and began to stroke his hair.Bucky’s eyelashes fluttered and he opened his eyes, gazing at Steve with such pure, innocent happiness that Steve felt sure he was in love with an angel.

“Mornin’, Stevie,” Bucky whispered as he shifted against Steve.

“I think it’s still afternoon, Darling,” Steve murmured.

“Mmmm,” was all Bucky said as he closed his eyes again and nuzzled against Steve’s chest.

Steve suddenly realized that this wasn’t the most comfortable sitting position ever, mostly because the edge of the tub was digging into his back.“Hey— Sweetheart— can we take this to the couch?” he asked gently.

Bucky stretched, which Steve found absolutely adorable, then opened his eyes again with a smile.“Ok,” he said.

Sam was already on the couch, drinking a beer and watching a movie.He had a couple of takeout pizza boxes sitting on the coffee table.Steve grabbed two slices, piled them on top of each other, and crammed them in his mouth as he sat down on the couch.Bucky grabbed a slice and lay across Steve and Sam’s laps.

“I would like to take this moment to state that I will not participate in any nude activities,” Sam said as he studiously avoided looking at the parts of Bucky that were laying on his lap.Steve and Bucky looked at each other and began to laugh uproariously.Yep, they were both still drunk, Steve realized.He rinsed down his pizza with a long drink from his whisky-and-seltzer bottle.

“You stole our cigarettes,” Steve said to Sam, his tone dripping with accusation.

“They’re in the trash,” Sam replied, not bothering to look away from the movie.

Steve gently shifted Bucky off of his lap and got up from the couch.Bucky took the opportunity to grab a second slice of pizza.Steve dug the full cigarette cartons out of the trash, grabbed a lighter, and rejoined Bucky and Sam.Bucky lay back down on Steve’s lap as Steve lit up.He offered one to Bucky, who accepted.

Sam glared at Steve.“With your medical history—“

“—I am completely and utterly aware of my own mortality and the fact that any of us could die at any moment.I am also more likely to engage in risky behaviors than the average person due to my complex relationship with death and an unconscious need to make up for the emotions I repressed throughout my teenage years and young adulthood,” Steve cut across.

Bucky exhaled a cloud of smoke.“Mood,” he said.“Shut up and let us mutate our cells in peace, Sam.”

Sam grumbled, but he didn’t continue to argue.He got himself another beer instead and settled back in with his movie.

Bucky sat up after they finished their cigarettes and began to kiss Steve.They alternated making out and drinking until their bottles were empty, at which point Bucky got up and grabbed a liquor bottle at random.Steve took a sip and realized that it was tequila.It didn’t taste bad, though, so he just shrugged and passed the bottle back to Bucky, who seemed to realize the same thing. 

Sam gave them side-eye and shook his head.“Why are you doing this again?” he asked.

“Our lives are over,” Bucky sighed dramatically, flinging his arm up to his forehead and accidentally smacking Steve in the face with the back of his hand.They started laughing again.

“Yeah, sure looks like you two are miserable,” snarked Sam.

“Well, Tony and Pepper friend-broke up with us,” Steve explained seriously.

“I’ve probably lost my job,” Bucky added.

“I’ve _definitely_ lost my job,” Steve continued.

“People said mean things about Steve in the grocery store,” Bucky went on.

“They said meaner things about you, Buck,” Steve said sadly.

“Yeah, Nat warned me that the homophobes were out in full force today,” Sam sighed.“But you’ve got each other, so there’s that.And Steve, Peggy’s been trying to get you to start your own marketing company forever.You can offer so much more than your duties at SI let you do.”

“You never told me you wanted to start your own company!” Bucky exclaimed, eyeing Steve reproachfully.

“I had it in the back of my mind as backup,” Steve said with a shrug.

“You little fucker,” Bucky said.He punched Steve hard on the arm.Steve was too drunk to really feel it.“I still haven’t met Peggy,” Bucky mused as he settled back into Steve.

Steve sat up excitedly.That was a problem with an easy fix.He grabbed his phone and immediately called her on video chat.Sam tried to grab the phone out of Steve’s hand, so Steve held it up in the air as high as he could.Peggy answered after a couple rings and her video came into focus.Her brown hair was in curlers and she was bare-faced.“Steve!” she said in her clipped British accent, “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“You haven’t met Bucky!” Steve said excitedly.

“Hi, Peggy!” Bucky said with a wave.

“Yes, and now I seem to be seeing rather a lot of him,” Peggy said tactfully.“Steve, are you drunk?”

“Yes, they are drunk,” Sam answered.He pulled Steve’s arm down so that the video call just showed their faces.

“Tony found out we were fucking and now he’s gonna fire us,” Steve told her sadly.Bucky took another drink from the bottle of tequila and passed it to Steve.Steve took a large gulp.It didn’t taste like anything anymore.

“Right, so this is your way of dealing with it.Very mature and intelligent.Jesus Christ.Hold on a minute.”Peggy gave a sharp intake of breath and then startled to fumble for something.She reappeared in the center of the screen with a lit cigarette.“Alright, now you can keep talking,” she said.

“We have an alarm set for when we’re gonna get sober,” Bucky said brightly.“Oh!And then we’re gonna move in together.Right, Stevie?”

“Right, Darling,” Steve agreed.

“Have you told Nat this?” Sam asked skeptically.

Bucky took another large swig of tequila.“That,” he said, “Is a problem for future Bucky.”

Steve nodded seriously.“Bucky is smart,” he said.

“Clearly,” Peggy said drily.“So, Steve, since we haven’t actually _really_ talked in— let’s see— ten months?” Peggy said, “Why don’t you tell me about Bucky.”

Steve’s eyes and mouth grew round in horror at the realization that it had been long enough ago since they’d last exchanged more than a friendly hello that she’d completely missed Bucky’s arrival.“Bucky is— he’s—“Steve couldn’t find the words to tell Peggy all the amazing things Bucky was.He settled for just kissing Bucky instead.Bucky tasted so good; his lips were so soft, but his beard was rough, and the textures combined and bit through the numbness in his face from the alcohol.Steve dropped his phone so he could pull Bucky in closer.He had a dim thought that maybe he shouldn’t have dropped it, and definitely not on his rapidly hardening dick, but then Bucky pulled him off the couch and they found themselves laughing.They gave each other hand jobs and kissed until they passed out on the floor, completely forgetting about Sam and Peggy.

Steve had only vague memories after that; more impressions than anything.Running out of liquor.Steve and Bucky taking turns holding each other as they threw up.Eating dry cereal from the box.Bucky’s warm, strong body against his.It took them an additional day to sober up after Steve’s alarms went off.Steve and Bucky spent the entire ordeal in Steve’s bed, holding each other and kissing each other’s misery away.

“That was a monumentally stupid idea,” Bucky grumbled as he buried his face in Steve’s chest.Steve knew he was trying to block out the light.

“Yeah,” Steve agreed tiredly, “But at least we can check that one off the list.”

“What list?” Bucky asked grumpily.

“I dunno,” Steve said.“The list of stupid things couples do together?”

Bucky gave a barking laugh at this.“I love you, Punk,” he told Steve.

“I love you too, Jerk,” Steve replied.Then Steve pushed Bucky out of the way so he could vomit in the trash can without getting splatter on Bucky.


	23. I Told You Time and Time Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tensions are starting to run high.
> 
> Bucky's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "Don't Threaten Me With a Good Time" by Panic! at the Disco.

Nat thought it would be best for Bucky to remain under supervision for the duration of his suspension from work, given that the CIA and the Pentagon were nervous that he would retaliate, so Steve moved into Bucky and Nat’s apartment.Sam had only been able to take a couple days off.He went back to work once Steve and Bucky were sober and living together.Steve had some freelance projects he could work on once Sam was gone.Bucky, however, found himself with nothing to do.

To make matters worse, Steve hadn’t been able to stop smoking after their bender.He mostly went outside or to a window to smoke, but he sometimes forgot when he was deep in a project.Bucky wouldn’t have minded normally.However, he was filling up his free time by baking, and he didn’t know if the secondhand smoke would taint his product.Since he was at the point where he was going to have to start giving baked goods away, contamination was a valid concern.

Things came to a head after only a couple days.Steve was deep into a project; he was sitting at the dining table drawing and smoking furiously.Bucky had just run out of counter space.“Buckyyy,” Steve complained as Bucky started to set up a cupcake frosting operation on the dining table, “I’m working here!”

“Well, where else am I supposed to frost?” Bucky asked grumpily.“And put that out, you’re going to contaminate the frosting,” he added.

“I’m not the one who’s covered every work surface in baked goods, Jerk,” Steve pointed out.“And you can damn well wait ’til I’m finished.I’m on a deadline,” he continued as he went back to his work.

Bucky had to admit that Steve had him there.The dishwasher was currently doing its best, but the sink was still piled high with dirty dishes.Containers with cookies, brownies, bars, and muffins lined the counters.(The ones containing marijuana were carefully labeled this time.)Cooling cupcakes covered the island.Just because Steve was right didn’t mean Bucky couldn’t glare at him, though.“I still don’t like you smoking around my baked goods, Punk,” Bucky said.

Steve glared back.“The fuck does it matter, Jerk?” Steve asked.

Bucky looked at Steve with exasperation.“People’ll be able to taste it,” he said, putting his hands on his hips.

“I can’t,” Steve replied, still glaring.He put the cigarette out, though.

“That’s because you’re the one smoking the damn things, ya fuckin’ punk,” Bucky grumbled.He returned to glaring at Steve.

There was a knock on the door, but neither Bucky nor Steve moved to open it.“Aww, first fight?” Nat asked as she passed through the kitchen and went towards the door herself.

“Bucky’s turning my workspace into a cupcake factory,” Steve informed her.

“Steve’s turning my cupcake factory into his workspace,” Bucky snarked back.

“Thank God you’re here, Rhodey,” Nat said to the man at the door as she answered it.“I can’t decide whether these two are trying to give me a coronary, lung cancer, or diabetes.”

Bucky said “All three,” at the same time Steve said “None of those.”They continued to glare at each other.At this point, Bucky was just having fun.It was like a game to see who could break first.Spoiler alert: It wasn’t going to be him.

“Good to see you, Rhodes,” Steve said as he kept his eyes on Bucky.

“Good to see you, Rogers,” Rhodey answered.“Wish it was under better circumstances.”

“You’re here to back up Tony, aren’t you,” Steve said, his voice hardening slightly.

“Tony and the Pentagon,” Rhodey acknowledged.“The top brass are not happy that work’s stopped on Project Winter Soldier, and they’re doubly not happy that the reason why is sitting at home disgruntled with the schematics in his head.”

“This is Colonel James Rhodes,” Nat explained to Bucky.“Tony’s oldest friend and the only person in the Pentagon Tony’ll actually work with.”

“Steve, I talked to Tony,” Rhodey continued.“He’s willing to meet over lunch at Sal’s Diner today to try and talk things out.Just the three of us.”

Bucky smirked.“You lose, Punk.Clear your stuff off the table, the cupcake factory is taking over.”

Steve glared harder for a moment, then sighed and began to pack up his work.“Fuck you, Jerk,” he grumbled.

“Oh, I will, Dollface,” Bucky said seductively.He gave Steve a wink and deepened his smirk.

Steve eyed Bucky with interest.“That a promise, Sweetheart?” Steve asked, with just a hint of gravel in his voice.

“You bet it is,” Bucky replied.He walked around the table to Steve and pulled him in for a kiss.“Now,” he said as he broke away, suddenly serious, “Don’t kill Tony.He’s a good guy, so I won’t help you hide the body if you do.”

Steve laughed and shook his head.“I’m not gonna kill Tony,” Steve promised.“We’re just going to talk.It’s gonna be fine.”

“Sure,” Bucky said skeptically.“Meanwhile, Nat and I’ll start taking bets on how long it takes before you two are beating each other up behind the diner.My bet is five minutes.”

“Bucky,” Nat said with exasperation.“Fifteen, at least.Give them some credit for having restraint.”

Rhodey looked pained.“Why am I beginning to think this is a terrible idea,” he muttered.

“Because it is,” Nat informed him cheerfully.“Have fun!”

“I should probably box some of these up for Sal,” Bucky said after Steve and Rhodey had left.He was looking at the cupcakes.“She’s nice.She doesn’t deserve what those three are about to put her through.”

“Good idea,” Nat said as she pulled out her phone and began texting.“Do we want to start timing from the time Tony and Steve see each other, or from when Steve opens his mouth to explain?” she asked.

Bucky thought for a minute as he stirred red dye into a bowl of buttercream.“From the time Steve starts talking,” he said decisively.

“Alright, cool,” Nat said.She finished typing and sent her text to the group.“The betting pool is now open.”

“We should do a separate one for who punches first,” Bucky suggested.

“Good plan,” Nat said.She started texting again.“Also whether they make it out of the restaurant first.”

An hour later, Rhodey texted Nat and Bucky and told them to come pick Steve up.At the same time Bucky got a Twitter notification from the local police scanner observer.Two police cars and an ambulance had been dispatched to Sal’s Diner.A third notification popped up as Bucky showed the tweet to Nat.It was a text from Steve, two words long: _Bucky won_.


	24. Raise Hell and Turn it Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rhodey tries to facilitate mediation between Steve and Tony. It does not go well.
> 
> Steve's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: Someone gets punched in the face.
> 
> Chapter title from "Don't Threaten Me With a Good Time" by Panic! at the Disco.

Steve was gonna kill Tony.

For starters, Tony was completely ignoring him, which was pretty awkward since it was literally just Steve, Rhodey, and Tony at the table.It was even more awkward when Rhodey tried to bring Steve into the conversation, only for Tony to immediately cut him off.Rhodey was beginning to look like he seriously regretted his life’s choices.

People kept giving them funny looks, too.Rhodey hadn’t been in town for a couple years now; his parents had followed when he moved out to D.C. to work at the Pentagon.The fact that he’d showed up to support Tony and was obviously trying to mediate meant that the situation between Tony and Steve was pretty serious.

On top of that, Steve knew that the rumors surrounding him and Bucky were extremely negative.Bucky’s sexuality had made him fairly unpopular among the large number of conservatives in town.In addition, Steve’s behavior was being considered so out of character that the local armchair psychologists were diagnosing him with a mental breakdown.The rumors had combined into the horrific assumption that an immoral Bucky was taking advantage of an unstable Steve.The way Tony looked at Steve during the rare moments when he did look made Steve realize with a sick jolt that Tony actually might be starting to believe those rumors.

After they finished eating and Sal had refilled their coffees, Rhodey sighed.“Let’s talk about what’s been going on,” he said.

“Yeah, let’s talk about what’s been going on,” Tony parroted.“Steve, what _has_ been going on?Because you have _not_ been acting like yourself lately.”

Steve took a deep breath to try and steady himself, but the meaning implicit in Tony’s words was more than he could handle.“I fucked him, Tony, ok?_I.Fucked.Him._I fucked Barnes.”Steve realized belatedly that he had said this loud enough for the whole cafe to hear.People were now looking at them openly.Steve realized he was too angry to care.Let them hear.Let the whole town finally learn who Steve Rogers and Dr. James Barnes really were.He was done hiding.

That didn’t mean the situation wasn’t terrifying, however.Steve closed his eyes and swallowed the bile rising in his throat as he continued.“The moment I walked into his and Nat’s apartment I just— I _wanted_ him, Tony.I’d heard so much about him from Nat, we all had, so I knew he had to be a really great guy, and then I saw him and I just— I don’t know what came over me.Maybe I recognized him, deep down, I don’t know.I knew we couldn’t be anything, but he wasn’t an employee yet, and— Jesus fucking Christ, Tony, that was the best weekend of my life.The sex was incredible, the conversation was fantastic— hell, Tony, he even got me into a _club_.I made out with Bucky Barnes on a fucking _dance floor_.”

Tony stared at Steve in horror.Now that Steve was talking, though, he realized he couldn’t stop.He also noticed that tears were rolling down his cheeks and his breathing was becoming erratic.“I tried to keep away from him after that, I really did,” Steve sobbed.“But then Clint had to drag me to your fucking Halloween party, and you wouldn’t let me fucking leave, and I couldn’t— God, Tony, I tried so fucking hard, every time I saw him in the halls or at the store I had to fucking leave because I _knew_ if I had to see those goddamn ice blue eyes one more time we’d both end up losing our jobs.”Steve paused to take a breath.He pulled out a cigarette and went to light it, then remembered he was in public.He kept it between his fingers anyway.

“When Bucky asked me to have an affair— we knew we shouldn’t, we knew you’d kill us, but god-fucking-damnit, Tony, I love him.I couldn’t say no.For the first time in my adult life I realized I didn’t want to run or hide anymore.”Steve took another shaky breath before he continued.“I love the way he laughs.I love how his smile lights up the room.I love how incredibly smart he is. Christ, Tony, he even wants kids.The way he looked at the baby furniture when we went to IKEA that first weekend— Tony, I know I always said being bi was a phase, and I know you all thought it was just because I had such a hard time with Ma’s death, but it really wasn’t, Tony.It was just easier for me to repress that part of myself than to deal with it on top of everything else in my fucking clusterfuck of a life.”

Talking was getting harder; Steve’s tears were threatening to take him over.He wasn’t finished, though.He choked them back and continued.“I’m not going crazy, Tony.I’ve felt more like myself these past five months than I have in years.And Tony?You know all those things I said after decorating the tree?”Steve took a deep breath.He never talked this openly about sex.This was for Bucky.He knew Bucky would be proud of him.“We’ve done all those things and more.Regularly.It’s been the best sex I’ve ever had in my entire fucking life.”

Steve couldn’t even be mad when Tony lunged over the table and punched him in the face.Steve had been included on the group text where they’d been betting on how long it would take for a fight to break out.Bucky had just won $50.

Bucky and Nat arrived shortly after the police and EMTs.Steve’s nose was pronounced broken and he was embarrassed, but otherwise fine.“You guys really didn’t need to come,” Steve informed the EMT working on cleaning the blood off his face.The man’s name was Bill.Steve had known him since he was a kid; Bill had been in charge of wrangling the altar boys at St. James’ for as long as anyone could remember.

“Someone reports a fight, we come,” Bill said.“Doesn’t hurt that your boy showed up with enough apology brownies for everyone in town.”

Steve smiled at this.“That’s Bucky,” he told Bill.He found himself starting to chuckle.“We had our first fight as a couple today.I was trying to work on an ad at the kitchen table, but Bucky wanted the space for frosting cupcakes.”

Bill stopped mopping up Steve’s blood and laughed.“That’s a good first fight,” he said.“How’d you two handle it?”

“Rhodey showed up and we came here, so Bucky got the table,” Steve said, lighting a cigarette now that Bill was done working on his face.Bill’s eyebrows raised slightly at his actions, but he said nothing, for which Steve was grateful.“But now there’s more counter space, since Bucky’s getting rid of those brownies, so I’ll get the table back and he can move back to the counter.”Bill chuckled and began to take his gloves off.“Bill,” Steve said, much more quietly now, “I know the Church— and most of the community— don’t agree with our relationship, but—“ he wasn’t exactly sure how to express what he was feeling.Bill seemed to understand, though.

“I always said that big heart of yours would lead to problems one day,” Bill told Steve seriously.“I just always thought it would be, I dunno, gettin’ yourself arrested tryin’ to stop a fight, stickin’ up for the underdog, that kinda thing.”Bill shook his head and took off his glasses to clean them.“You know how it is in a place like this.People get to seein’ you as one thing, and it never occurs to them there might be more to a person than that.You were always a spitfire that went your own way, but everyone just saw you as Sarah Roger’s poor, sickly boy.No one ever seemed to notice that you were punchin’ back, or were just as drunk as the rest of ‘em whenever you called us for some poor kid with alcohol poisoning at Tony’s parties.”

“Look, Steve,” Bill continued gently,“Those of us who’ve always been in your corner are still there.Doesn’t matter what the Pope or Margie or that Baptist preacher down the street says.We may not understand completely, but we support you.And Tony’ll come round.”

“I hope you’re right,” Steve said.He exhaled deeply; he felt tired.Bucky caught his eye across the room.Bucky, Nat, and Sal were laughing with the chief of police while eating brownies.The chief of police had a large tub of muffins in his hand.Bucky caught Steve’s eye in return and walked over.

“We’ve assured the chief that no one’s going to be pressing charges,” Bucky said as he stood next to Steve and put a hand on his shoulder.“Did you guys get your muffins?” Bucky asked Bill.

Bill nodded.“We really appreciate it, Dr. Barnes.It’s always nice when people think of us.”Bill gave Bucky a gruff smile.

“Bucky, this is Bill,” Steve said.“He’s been in charge of the altar boys at St. James’ since the ark.”

“You were an altar boy?” Bucky asked.He stared at Steve with undisguised glee.“I bet you looked just like that Norman Rockwell painting, where the kids all have black eyes.”

“He did,” Bill told him.“Plus the robes never fit him right, so he was always trippin’ over ‘em.We held our breath every Sunday, half convinced this’d be the one he set the church on fire.”

Bucky was grinning now.“Please tell me there are pictures,” he said to Bill.

“I reckon we can find some,” Bill responded with a twinkle in his eye.“I might need more of these brownies first, though,” he added with a wink. 

“It’s a deal,” Bucky said, looking delighted.Steve groaned.

“Well, that could have been worse,” Nat said as she drove them home.“Nobody died, nobody went to jail— although the chief of police was really disappointed that we didn’t want to press charges.I’m sure if you changed your mind he’d be happy to arrest Tony,” Nat informed Steve.

Steve shook his head as he finished his cookie.Bucky had brought a whole box just for the three of them.“This is personal.We don’t need the justice system involved any more than it already is.”

“Don’t forget that Bill’s promised to show me all your altar boy photos if I bring him cookies after church on Sunday,” Bucky added as he slowly worked on his cookie.He was still grinning.

“Really?” Nat asked with interest.“You know Steve, I think I have our baby albums stashed somewhere… they might be at Tony’s house, but I could break in, and I know Bill would love to go through them with you two.” 

“That would be awesome!” Bucky said excitedly.He was practically jumping up and down in his seat.

Steve realized from the look on Nat’s face that this is exactly what would be happening.“You two are the worst,” he groaned as he shoved another whole cookie in his mouth.“I hate you both.”

“Which is why you’re in my car eating his weed cookies,” Nat said.

“Exactly,” Steve said as he reached for another one.They were really good.He was starting to feel light.He’d never eaten cookies so good they made him feel floaty before.Wait— what had Nat said they were?Steve took a large bite as looked at the label on the to see what flavor they were.It said ‘chocolate chip - pot.’Steve groaned.

“What?” Nat asked.

“I’ve eaten five,” Steve said.

“Well, someone’s about to have a fun afternoon,” Nat said.Bucky just grinned.

“I hate you both,” was all Steve could say as the weed hit.


	25. I Was the King of This Hologram

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony visits to find out why some court documents are sealed and learns a lot more than he anticipated.
> 
> Bucky's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "Don't Threaten Me With a Good Time" by Panic! at the Disco.

“NATALIA ROMANOVA,” Tony bellowed as he barged into the apartment without knocking.“Oh, hi Peggy,” he said to the woman Steve and Bucky were video chatting with at the dining table.“NATALIA ROMANOVA, GET YOUR TINY ASS OUT HERE THIS INSTANT AND EXPLAIN TO ME WHY MY LAWYER HAS BEEN INFORMED SHE DOESN’T HAVE THE SECURITY CLEARANCE TO VIEW THE DOCUMENTS YOU, CLINT, AND RHODEY SUBMITTED,” Tony yelled.

“You don’t need to be so loud,” Nat grumbled as she emerged from her bedroom.“Hi, Peggy,” she said as she reached the kitchen.

“Hi, Tony, hi, Nat,” Peggy said cheerfully.“I have a feeling you all need to talk, so I’ll see you all later.I’ve been thinking about coming for a week or two this summer.So nice to finally see you clothed and sober, Bucky!I’m glad to see the two of you so happy together.‘Bye now!”With that, Peggy exited the chat and Bucky shut down his laptop.Steve put their phones in the freezer.

“Phone please, Tony,” Steve asked politely.

“Like hell I’m giving you my phone, Rogers,” Tony snapped.

Steve and Bucky sighed as Nat put Tony in a chokehold.Bucky divested Tony of his phone and passed it to Steve, who put it in the freezer with theirs.Nat released Tony.

“What the fucking hell,” Tony said angrily.

“Your lawyer can’t see those documents because your lawyer doesn’t have the security clearance to view anything about Project Winter Soldier,” Nat informed Tony cooly.

“Firstly, you shouldn’t know about that,” Tony said.“Secondly, I have a right to decide who knows about it and who doesn’t.”He folded his arms and glared at Nat.

“Firstly, yes, I should know about that,” Nat told Tony.“And secondly, no, you don’t.”Nat was eerily calm.It was creeping Bucky out.

Tony was smart enough not to argue.Instead, he sat down on one of the kitchen stools and said, “Explain.”

Steve lit a cigarette.Bucky grabbed a bottle of whiskey and four glasses and began to pour.Nat watched silently as Steve passed them out.Tony looked askance at his glass, but he silently toasted and took a sip.The others followed suit.

“The Russians have actively begun to try and get information on Project Winter Soldier from me,” Bucky said bluntly.“It turns out they know about some of the… projects I helped Nat with in grad school.They’re trying to engage in blackmail.And no, Tony, I would never sell or give information to the Russians.”

Tony looked furious.He opened and shut his mouth a few times before finally asking, “Why does Steve get to know this but my lawyer doesn’t?”

Nat pulled out her pocketknife and began to clean her fingernails with the blade.“Steve passed the background check.Your lawyer didn’t,” she said.

Tony glared at Nat.“And you know this because…?”

“I’m the agent who got lucky enough to be assigned to oversee the CIA side of things,” she finished for him.“Clint’s working under me.The CIA isn’t as picky as SI about underlings sleeping with their bosses,” Nat goaded.

Tony drained his whiskey glass and pushed it to the center of the kitchen island.Steve obligingly refilled it.“So Rhodey is working the Pentagon side of the project,” Tony said with a sigh.

“Yep,” Nat replied.

“And who all knows?” Tony asked.

“The four of us, Clint and Rhodey, obviously, and Bruce.Plus our lawyer, Maria Hill.She’s CIA as well,” Nat told Tony.

Tony drained his glass again and slammed it back down on the counter.“Is there anyone in my life that _hasn’t_ been lying to me?” he asked, anger in his voice.

“Pepper has been genuinely clueless about all of this,” Nat assured him.

“If it makes you feel better,” Steve said quietly, “none of us knew about Nat and Clint working for the CIA.I didn’t even know about Project Winter Soldier— Bucky never told me anything besides the official line about what he was working on.”Steve refilled Tony’s glass for him before refilling his own.

“And I didn’t know it was of interest to national security until we started forming our case,” Bucky added.“Bruce didn’t either.It never occurred to us that Russia might want to weaponize it, let alone our own military.”

“They want to WHAT,” Tony gasped.He looked horror-stricken.

Nat nodded sympathetically.“Since Rhodey’s in charge at the Pentagon level it’s extremely unlikely to happen,” she assured Tony.

“But that’s not stopping Russia from trying to convince me I should become their new best buddy,” Bucky said drily.“They haven’t even done their research on me well.All the porn bots that keep messaging me to ask if I need a break from my stressful job are female.”He found himself smiling as he heard Steve choke back a laugh.

“He reverse-hacked one of them and found a KGB operative on the other end,” Steve informed Tony proudly.Bucky rolled his eyes, but he loved the way Steve was looking at him with confident awe.

“So you see,” Nat said, putting away her pocketknife with a flick, “this puts us in a bit of a predicament.You have to follow your policies, Tony.However, this means that all work on Project Winter Soldier has effectively stopped, because one of the parties was the lead computing engineer, and having said lead computing engineer off work and— in theory, although not in reality— disgruntled is a major security risk.”

Tony took a sip of his drink and sighed.“You do have every right to be upset with me,” he admitted.

Bucky shrugged.“Yeah, but you also have every right to be upset with us.Besides, I’m getting laid on the regular now, so—“Bucky held up his hand to Steve for a high five.Steve high fived him with a roll of his eyes.“— _definitely_ not disgruntled,” Bucky finished.

Tony stared into his whiskey, apparently thinking.“Peggy likes you,” he said to Bucky after a while.

“I guess?” Bucky said, looking at Steve for confirmation.Steve nodded.

“What was that about being naked and sober?” Tony asked curiously.

Nat pursed her lips and glared at Steve and Bucky.Steve turned pink and looked down.“Bucky and I… um… got a little drunk—“

“Went on a bender,” Nat interrupted.

“Anyway, um, Bucky realized he hadn’t met Peggy yet so I decided to call her.On video.But we weren’t wearing anything.And then I dropped my phone.”Steve mumbled the last bit through his cigarette.He was beet red at this point.Bucky reached for Steve’s thigh and gave it a squeeze.

Tony looked at Steve with surprise.“You mean what we’ve been seeing is full-on disaster Steve?” he asked, sounding somewhat awed.

“You have no idea,” Nat complained, rolling her eyes.“It’s been just like old times, but with a lot more sex.”

Tony must have seen the confusion on Bucky’s face.“Steve mellowed out a bit in grad school,” Tony explained.“Before that Steve was a literal disaster.Mostly in a good way, but still,” he said.

“Didn’t Grad School Steve take up smoking and become, like, an emotionally constipated wreck?” Bucky asked.

“Hey now,” Steve grumbled around the cigarette still in his mouth. 

“As bad as that was— and is, since I can’t help but notice you’re back at it, Steve— that’s not the craziest thing he’s done,” Tony said.

“There was a notebook that went around in middle school detailing every single fight Steve got into,” Nat explained to Bucky.“The final count was well over 200.He didn’t like bullies, and they hated Steve.Problem was, he was always smaller and weaker, so he couldn’t hold his own for long without getting beat up.”

“He once tripped over his own feet, then over his date’s, and landed on the snack table at a dance,” Tony added.“And then he cried because he was worried he’d hurt his date.Never mind that he’d split his lip on the table.”

“Sober, I might add,” Nat said.“We were eleven.Tony, remember the first time he tried smoking weed in high school and he had an asthma attack?” Nat asked.

“I do,” Tony replied.“And the second time that happened.And the third.And the fourth, and so on, up until that medical trial cured his asthma.”

“Then there was the time he saved the cat from the tree,” Nat said.“We were eight, I think.Except Steve wasn’t wearing his glasses and it was a possum, not a cat, and they both fell out of the tree.Steve ended up in the hospital, but the possum was fine.”Bucky had to laugh at this one; it was too ridiculous.

Steve shook his head sadly.“I can’t even defend myself,” he said.“It’s all true.”

Bucky felt confused.“So… is this a good thing, or a bad thing?” he asked.

“Good,” Steve, Nat, and Tony said in unison.They all looked a little surprised that they’d agreed with each other.

Tony sighed.“I’ll talk with Pepper and my lawyer and see what we can get figured out,” he said.He got up and retrieved his phone from the freezer.“But I am NOT happy about this!” he added.“I’m still mad at you all!”Tony left, slamming the door behind him.

“Well, looks like I can go back to work,” Nat said.She drained her glass of whiskey and stood up.

“What are you working on?” Steve asked curiously.

“Organizing a coup in the Sudan,” Nat said idly as she went back to her room.Bucky and Steve stared after her.

“Do you think she’s lying?” Steve asked Bucky in a whisper.He looked awestruck.

Bucky thought for a moment.“You know,” he said slowly, “at this point, I wouldn’t put anything past her.”They shook their heads and then finished their whiskey in silence.


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Graphic Depictions of Violence.

Steve and Bucky had promised to meet Bill at Sal’s after church on Sunday.Not that Steve and Bucky actually went to Mass that morning; Steve had gotten a bit distracted by Bucky’s soft lips and lean, muscular body.Sal’s was crowded, as per usual for a Sunday at noon, but the three of them managed to get a table in the back corner.

After Sal took their orders of burgers, fries, and milkshakes, Bill began to pull photo album after photo album out of the bag he’d brought with him.Steve groaned.“Of course Nat found all the old photo albums.Of course.” 

Bucky looked like it was his birthday, Hanukkah, and the Fourth of July all rolled into one.Or at least, he started out that way.As Bill moved on from baby Steve, the photos began to get a little too real for Steve’s liking.“This was from when Steve was in the hospital with chicken pox,” Bill said.“This one’s from when we brought him Christmas in the hospital.He had pneumonia again.That was his first t-ball game.He had an asthma attack in the first inning and had to sit out the rest of the game, but he was such a cute little fella!Oh wow, that’s a rare one, that’s from when Steve had lymphoma, there aren’t many photos from that period of time.”

Bucky stared at Steve in disbelief.“You never told me all this,” he said quietly. 

Steve just looked down at his burger.He’d hardly been able to touch it.“I don’t like to think about it,” he said, his voice a little harder than he meant it to sound.He sighed.“A lot of people around here still see me as that sick little kid,” Steve explained.“I volunteered for a bunch of medical trials in college— free healthcare, right?And they all worked, obviously, I mean, look at me.But that doesn’t matter around here.I’m still sick little Steven, the cancer survivor and poor little orphan.”Steve realized he sounded bitter.

“Not all of us see you that way, Steve,” Bill said gently.

“I know, Bill,” Steve said with a sigh.“I’m sorry.”

“I know,” said Bill with a shrug.“You can’t help the way you feel.”

Bucky had flipped a few pages ahead and was staring at a photo with glee.“Is this your _prom photo_?” he asked Steve.

Steve never got a chance to answer.At that moment a teenage boy walked into the restaurant, carrying an AR-15.

Steve watched in horror.He knew the kid, although he couldn’t remember his name.The boy’s mom had worked at the hospital with Steve’s ma.Steve knew the boy was barely 15.The boy shot at the ceiling, causing people to scream and scramble under tables and chairs for safety.Sal grabbed her phone and ran into the kitchen, blocking the door behind her.Steve felt Bucky and Bill pull him under the table with them.

“I know him,” Steve said, sounding dazed and distant to his own ears.“I have to try.”He shook himself free of their grasps and slowly emerged from underneath the table.He stood up and raised his hands cautiously.“Hey, can we talk?” he asked, slowly walking forward.

The shooter turned and aimed his gun at Steve.

Steve felt movement.It was not for nothing that Bucky was the best tackle on the Howling Commandos’ high school football team; he moved with speed and grace as he passed Steve and knocked the boy onto his back.Steve saw a tangle of arms as the gun went off, resulting in a spray of bullets, blood, and what looked suspiciously like flesh and bone.Steve began to move swiftly towards them.He saw the shooter push Bucky off and pull out a handgun.Steve stood frozen, only inches away, as the boy shot himself in the throat.

Steve collapsed onto his knees in the pool of blood in front of Bucky and the boy.He realized he was screaming Bucky’s name.Bucky didn’t respond.His left arm had been shot off at the elbow; the rest of his arm looked mangled.Steve didn’t move as Bill swiftly began to administer first aid.As Sal emerged from the kitchen followed by the police.As an on-duty EMT took over for Bill.

It was only when the EMTs moved Bucky onto a stretcher that Steve stood up.“I’m coming too,” he said.His voice still sounded distant.

“Steve, you’re in shock,” he heard a voice say.“You need to say here.Sal’s making tea for everyone.We’re evacuating the restaurant.”

“I’m going with Bucky,” Steve said.He followed the EMTs to the ambulance.One of them tried to stop him from following Bucky onto the ambulance.“No,” Steve said, gently pushing her out of the way and climbing into the back with Bucky.He realized he was starting to have a panic attack as he watched them start an IV in Bucky’s right arm.He smelled antiseptic and saline and latex.It made him retch.Someone handed him a round blue plastic bag.Steve was intimately familiar with these bags.Horror and panic overtook him.Bucky was dying and he was dying too.He filled the bag and held his hand out for another one.Someone wrapped a blanket around him.

Steve followed as Bucky was wheeled directly into the operating room.He tried to go in too, but Dr. Wilson stopped him.“No,” she said firmly.

“Bucky,” Steve croaked.

Dr. Wilson pushed Steve down so he was sitting on the floor with his back to the wall.“You can wait right here,” she told him.“The best thing you can do for Bucky right now is to take care of yourself.Bruce is on his way.”

“Nat,” Steve croaked again.He still felt dazed.“Nat needs to know.”

“Nat was apparently called away for work this morning,” Dr. Wilson said.“We can’t reach her.Bruce and Clint are on their way.”

“Bucky’s parents,” Steve said.

“We’ve got staff working on reaching them right now,” Dr. Wilson assured him.“I need to go help Bucky.I’ll take good care of him, Steven, I promise.Is there anything you think I should know about what Bucky would want?” she asked.

Steve couldn’t stop panicking.“If you can— keep him alive for- for me,” Steve whispered.“For- for Bucky, do what you need to make him ok.If it’s bad don’t tell me ahead of time, just do it.Whatever will be best for him.And- and don’t tell me if you have to give him opiates.I can’t handle that.”

Dr. Wilson nodded.“I’ll do what I can,” she told Steve firmly.She gave him a tight hug before going into the OR.

Bruce and Clint came by after what might have been an eternity or no time at all.“We brought you your Xanax,” Clint said.

“No,” Steve said loudly.His chest seized up at the thought of swallowing pills.He felt himself starting on what was either a spike of a long, continuous panic attack or his third of the day, depending on how these things were counted.

“We also brought some of Bucky’s cookies,” Bruce said gently.“His special cookies.I think he’d like to know that he’s helping you.Can you eat one for him?”

Steve nodded.Bruce handed him a cookie and Steve began to eat it slowly.The taste of sugar and butter started to ground him.It took him a long time to finish it.Once he was done he held out his hand for another.Bruce gave one to him.Steve ate the second one as slowly as he had eaten the first.He realized that he was beginning to feel a little better.

By the time Dr. Wilson came out of surgery the box of cookies was empty and Steve was sprawled on the floor, only half conscious.Clint had had to go into work, but Bruce was sitting with him still.“He’s high as a kite,” Bruce explained.“He refused his Xanax, but we could get Barnes’ pot cookies into him.”

Dr. Wilson sat down on the floor next to them, looking exhausted.“I’ll write you a medical card, Steve,” she said tiredly.Steve hummed in appreciation.“Bucky’s going to be ok.We couldn’t save his left arm, though,” she said.“I’m sorry, Steve.”

Steve blinked slowly.“He’s alive though, right?Like, he’s gonna live?”

“Yeah,” Dr. Wilson assured him.“He’s gonna be ok.”

“That’s alright then,” Steve said with a nod.Then he giggled.“All right,” he muttered.“Oh my God.He’s all right.”He began to laugh hysterically.

“Let’s get you home now,” Bruce said to Steve.

“NO,” Steve yelled.“I’m not leaving.”

Dr. Wilson sighed.“We can put him on a cot in Bucky’s room.It’s probably the best for both of them anyway,” she said.Steve began to drift off as Bruce carried him into Bucky’s room and gently laid him in the cot the nurses had just finished setting up.


	27. Can't Even Tell if This Is a Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky wakes up in the hospital.
> 
> Bucky's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Amputation; continuation of themes from Chapter 26.
> 
> Chapter title from "Don't Threaten Me With a Good Time" by Panic! at the Disco.

The first thing Bucky noticed when he woke up was that his left arm hurt like hell.The rest of him felt oddly floaty.He seemed to be in bed.The pain in his left arm was unbearable.Bucky gritted his teeth and moaned, “Fuuuuuck.”

“Jimmy?” he heard his mom say.She sounded a ways off. 

A familiar hand touched Bucky’s right hand.Bucky smiled and hummed at the contact.It helped draw his attention away from the pain in his left.“Stevie,” he heard himself croak.Why did his voice sound like that?How long had he been asleep?He’d had the worst nightmare.There had been guns and pain and screaming.Steve had been in danger.It had been better that he, Bucky, die instead.Maybe he _was_ dead.He had always thought death would be less painful, though.

“James, can you open your eyes?” his dad asked.

Bucky slowly blinked his eyes open.The room came into focus.His parents and Steve were sitting on the right side of his bed.Bucky looked down to see why his left arm hurt so badly.

It was gone.

Bucky heard screaming.Waves of nausea overtook him as he realized the screams were coming from him.The pain from his arm— no, not his arm, there was no arm now— was unbearable.He passed out.

When Bucky woke up again the first thing he did was open his eyes and look to see if Steve and his parents were still there.Steve was sitting to his right still, working on his tablet.Bucky’s parents were gone, but his sister Becca was in their place, working on her laptop.He turned his head to check his left arm.Nope, still gone.He gave a sharp intake of breath.

“Bucky!” Becca squealed.She shut her laptop quickly and started to get up, but then paused and seemed to think better of it.

“It’s ok, Becs.There seems to be plenty of space on my left side if you wanna come cuddle,” Bucky said.His voice sounded shaky to his own ears.

Becca started to cry at this, but she ducked under the IV lines and crawled onto the bed with him.She plastered herself to Bucky’s left side and wrapped her arms around him.Bucky reached with his right arm and patted her hand awkwardly.“Where are Mom and Dad?” he asked.

“We sent them to get food,” Steve answered.He’d set aside his tablet.

“Good,” Bucky said with a nod.His head swam.

“Your family’s staying at my place, since the lease doesn’t expire until the end of the month,” Steve continued.“Um— Nat’s still out of the country, so we haven’t been able to tell her.Clint came by— he brought a card from all the security guys.Bruce brought the flowers and the bear— they’re from the project team.”

“It’s like they knew I called you Bucky Bear as a kid,” Becca sobbed into Bucky’s side.Bucky managed to roll his eyes, although it was kind of exhausting.

Steve managed a weak smile.“Tony and Pepper are paying your medical bills.They didn’t actually tell anyone they were doing it,” he added.

“Dad found out when he went to put the credit card on file,” Becca added in her muffled voice.

“Sal’s promised you free milkshakes for life, and Bill came by with ‘nondenominational prayer beads,’” Steve continued, a slight laugh creeping into his voice.“It’s really a rosary, but he changed the name when I told him you’re Jewish.He said you could pretend the guy on the cross was Moses or something.”

Bucky tried to laugh, but his ribs hurt.He moaned instead.Steve’s eyebrows furrowed with concern.“Are you in pain, Darling?We can call the nurse,” he said.

“Well, there’s not a whole lot they can do for the pain in my left arm, is there,” Bucky said drily.

“No, Love,” Steve said sadly, “I suppose there’s not.”Becca sobbed harder.

Bucky hesitated.“The shooter?” he asked.Clearly his nightmare had not been something his mind had invented.

“Killed himself,” Steve said curtly.“You were the only injury and he was the only fatality.He’d left a manifesto with a bunch of Neo-Nazi bullshit on the kitchen table.”Steve looked disgusted as he said this.

Bucky lay back in silence, processing all of this.“What’s— what all’s wrong with me?” Bucky finally asked.

Steve swallowed hard enough that Bucky could see his Adam’s apple bob.“Broken ribs, mild concussion, muscle strain, your left knee and ankle are sprained,” he said.“And— well, your left arm was blown off just below the elbow, but the impact shattered the bone all the way up to the shoulder.Dr. Mom tried to save it, but there really wasn’t a way.The body’s just not designed to take automatic weapon fire at close range.”Steve sounded like he was about to cry.Bucky couldn’t look.All he could do was stare at the ceiling.

“I can’t code one-handed,” Bucky said slowly.“Or bake. Or play video games.Or top.”He looked back at Steve, feeling hollow.Steve looked pained.

“You had to bring sex into this,” Becca mumbled.Her voice was still muffled by Bucky’s torso, but it sounded like she’d stopped crying.

“We’ll figure it out, my love,” Steve assured him, although he looked a bit uncertain.“There’s Occupational Therapy, Physical Therapy, prosthetics— we’ll figure it out.Together,” Steve added firmly.Bucky cried.

When Bucky’s parents came back they were accompanied by Dr. Wilson.Steve and Becca were crammed into the bed with Bucky; they must have both been exhausted, because they were both asleep.Dr. Wilson shook her head and chuckled as Bucky’s mom pulled out her phone to take a picture.

“How are you feeling?” Dr. Wilson asked.

“Cramped,” Bucky snarked, but he smiled a bit.He saw relief flood his parents’ faces.“Also, my ribs hurt when I laugh, and my left arm is doing this weird thing where it hurts, but it also feels like it’s shrinking, but it’s also not even there,” he added.

Dr. Wilson nodded.“Phantom limb pain is common, especially with an injury as traumatic as yours.In the physical sense, not in the mental health sense, although it’s bound to be that too,” she added quickly.“It should improve once you’re able to start therapy.”

Bucky nodded.“What’s the prognosis, Dr. Mom?” he asked.He ignored the look his parents exchanged at the nickname.Even some of the the nurses called Dr. Wilson that.

“Pretty good, actually, considering that you could have died,” she replied.“You’ll need physical and occupational therapy, and Sam’s working on finding you a mental health therapist right now,” Dr. Wilson told him.“You should be able to live independently within a few months.”

“I think Steve would be pretty upset if you kicked him out, though,” Bucky’s mom said.“Bucky, why didn’t you tell us?” she asked.

Bucky closed his eyes with frustration.“Mom, I’m literally laying in a hospital bed with an IV drip and a missing arm and you’re asking me about my love life?” he asked, exasperated.

“He’s literally laying right next to you,” Bucky’s mom pointed out.Bucky sighed.

“He told me everything when he came for his birthday,” Becca said groggily from Bucky’s left side.She sat up and pushed her long black hair out of her face.“But he said it was a secret,” she continued, “so I didn’t tell you.He seemed like a good guy, not one of the assholes, so I figured it was fine not to say anything if he didn’t want me to.” 

Dr. Wilson raised her eyebrows.“I’ve had some… bad exes,” Bucky admitted.

“James, one went to jail for physically assaulting you,” Bucky’s dad said quietly.“The last one threw himself out of your moving car.I’ve got to admit, I wasn’t exactly happy to find a boyfriend I didn’t know about making your medical decisions.”

“Steve made medical decisions for me?” Bucky asked, looking down at Steve.Steve’s eyelids were twitching slightly— he was probably dreaming, Bucky thought fondly.

“You were unconscious and your parents were unreachable for part of the time,” Dr. Wilson explained.“He can’t legally make decisions for you, but he knows you better than anyone else in town, so we consulted him about what he thought you’d want.”The corners of her mouth twitched up.“Steve’s response was basically to do whatever would give you the best quality of life, keep you comfortable, and not to tell him if we put you on opioids,” she told Bucky. 

Bucky felt his face soften.“His ma was dying, so she committed suicide with opiates,” he told his parents quietly.“Am I on opiates?” Bucky asked Dr. Wilson.

She nodded.“We’ve got you on a morphine drip,” she said.She paused for a moment, looking to make sure Steve was really asleep.Then she said, quietly, “I’m telling you all this because you’re basically Steve’s family at the moment.Tony’s the one listed, but given the situation…”Dr. Wilson took a deep breath.“I’ve got Steve on a pretty heavy medical marijuana regimen right now,” she informed them.“He spent so much time in the hospital as a kid that he developed pretty severe anxiety.He had three panic attacks before we even got you on the operating table, Bucky, but he wouldn’t leave you and he refused to take his Xanax prescription.Bruce gave him some of your cookies and they seemed to calm him down, so I wrote Steve a medical card and a prescription.Just be aware that you’re both drugged to the gills right now, and Steve has permission to have marijuana on the premises,” she finished.

“James Buchanan Barnes,” Bucky’s mom began sternly.

Bucky sighed.“Mom, can we just agree that we have bigger problems right now than me baking pot cookies— in a state where it’s legal, I might add— and not telling you about Steve?”

“She’s just trying to make you feel like normal,” Becca said reasonably. 

Bucky rolled his eyes before looking down at Steve.Bucky brushed the hair off of his face automatically.Steve shifted a bit and smiled before taking a deep breath and stretching.He slowly opened his eyes and looked into Bucky’s.Bucky couldn’t help but smile back.Then Steve saw the IV lines.

Bucky recognized Steve’s symptoms from the Christmas Tree Incident.His eyes grew wide as his face grew pale; he began to hyperventilate.Dr. Wilson reached into Steve’s bag and pulled out a tub of cookies and a small brown bottle.She dropped a yellow liquid onto the cookie and then gave it to Steve.“It’s ok, Steven, eat this.You’ll feel better in a moment,” she said soothingly.Steve did as he was told somewhat robotically.

“It’s ok, Stevie,” Bucky whispered.“It’s ok, my love.I’ve got you.”He began to gently rub Steve’s back as best as he could.

“Oh, Darling, _I’m_ supposed to be taking care of _you_,” Steve mumbled around his cookie.Bucky saw tears well up in his eyes.His breathing was still erratic.

“You are, Stevie,” Bucky said gently.“You have no idea how much it means to me that you’re here.We’ll take care of each other, my love.That’s how these things are supposed to work.”He pressed his forehead against Steve’s.Bucky knew he looked mushy and gross in front of his family, but for once, he didn’t care.Maybe it would help his family understand that Steve wasn’t like any of his exes.

“I don’t _want_ you to have to take care of me.I want you to focus on you,” Steve said.“People have been taking care of me my whole life,” he continued.“I hate it, and it’s always horrible work for whoever gets stuck with it.”

“Not to me,” Bucky said.“Not if it’s you.”

Steve closed his eyes.“Orestes,” he said softly.Bucky nodded against Steve’s forehead to let him know he was right.“I love you, Bucky,” Steve said.He reached up and gently rested a hand on Bucky’s cheek.

“I love you too, Stevie,” Bucky whispered back.He found his eyelids becoming heavy; he must have gotten another dose of pain killers.He sighed contentedly and shifted closer to Steve’s warm body.Bucky felt Steve’s breathing and heart rate slowly return to normal as he drifted off to sleep.


	28. Upside Down With a Perfect View

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve spends some quality hospital time with George Barnes.
> 
> Steve's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew! We're all recovering from the last two chapters together. Here's some angsty fluff.
> 
> Chapter title from "Don't Threaten Me With a Good Time" by Panic! at the Disco.

Steve hated hospital beds.However, Bucky was clinging to Steve like an octopus as he slept, so Steve stayed in the bed next to him.Becca moved his bag within reach so that Steve could maintain his slow, steady diet of pot-infused baked goods and work on one of his freelance jobs.After a while, Becca and Winifred Barnes went for a walk, leaving George Barnes and Steve to stay with Bucky.

George put down his phone with a sigh and fixed Steve with a steady look.“You’ve done a good job managing the press on this,” he said, sounding a bit reluctant.

“Thank you, sir,” Steve said, putting down his tablet.“I hope Bucky doesn’t mind that I included a call for gun control in the press release.”

George shook his head.“No, I think he’ll be pleased to hear it,” he told him.He didn’t take his gaze off of Steve.Steve was beginning to feel a bit awkward.

Finally, George spoke again.“James’s always had a big heart,” he said.“It’s always gotten him into trouble.He never started fights, but he always finished ‘em.Always helped people with their homework, carried feminine products for his dance girls, that sort of thing.”

Steve smiled down at Bucky softly.“That’s one of the things I love about him,” he said.

“He wanted to fit in,” George continued, “So when James joined the football team he started acting tough.For some reason that meant he also thought he had to pretend he wasn’t gay, even though he’d always been more flamboyant than a herd of peacocks.He tried to be himself while also locking an integral part of who he was away.James started to hate himself.He gave it up— playing straight, that is, not hating himself— after he went to college, but then he ended up dating jerk after jerk.He just kept dating progressively more abusive guys.Thankfully, when he became friends with Nat, she intervened.”

Steve was furious.Bucky had told him about the last two exes, but he hadn’t indicated they’d been part of a pattern.No wonder George and Winifred were uncomfortable with him.And for an amazing man like Bucky to hate who he was…“Nat and Bucky told me some of that,” Steve said.“But hearing the rest—“He was surprised to hear the ice in his own voice.“I wish I’d been there to fight every single bully who ever made him think he needed to change who he was.”

George nodded approvingly, but he looked sad.“I think James’ biggest bully growin’ up was himself,” he said, “but I appreciate the sentiment.”

Steve closed his eyes and took a deep breath.“I know that our relationship didn’t exactly start in the best way,” he said slowly, opening his eyes again and looking at George, “And you have a right to be angry with me for that.”

“Well, it does take two,” George admitted.“James wasn’t exactly thinkin’ with the right head either there.”He let out a small huff of laughter at his own joke.

“Maybe this isn’t the best time or place to say this,” Steve said nervously, “but— well, before everything happened with work, and now this, Bucky had told me he wanted to be together long-term.”George’s gaze seemed to penetrate him; Steve felt as though he was back to being 5’2” and 94 pounds.“We haven’t had a whole lot of opportunity to talk about it more— he went to visit you guys, and then when he came back, well—“ Steve stopped and blushed.

“You don’t need my blessing, Steve,” George said quietly.“If this is what you and James want, nothing I do or say is going to stop you.”

Steve nodded.“I just feel like I owe it to you,” he said.“Bucky doesn’t really know how lucky he is to have you all.There’s hardly a day that goes by that I don’t wish my Ma was here to meet Bucky and give us advice.”Steve felt himself start to cry again.It had been an extremely busy couple of days, and he was exhausted from constantly being on the verge of another panic attack.

George didn't say anything.He just moved from the chair he was in at the foot of Bucky’s bed to the one closest to the head.Steve realized this might be the closest George would ever come to saying he accepted Steve.He felt a warmth in his chest, even as he cried.

Steve wasn’t crying anymore when Winifred and Becca returned, but he knew he must still look a mess.He saw Winifred and Becca exchange side eye at the change in George’s seating arrangement.“Do you need a break, Steve?” Winifred asked kindly.

Steve shook his head and pointed at Bucky.Bucky was currently using Steve’s stomach as a pillow; Steve’s shirt was soaked through with drool.Thirty to fifty feral hogs approaching with murder in their eyes couldn’t make Steve move before Bucky woke up on his own.

“We’ve heard from Nat,” Becca said as she sat down on the foot of the bed.“She’s on her way back now.”

“Good,” Steve said.He was beginning to sound tired.“How’d she take it?”

“She was very calm and professional,” Becca told him.“So I’m pretty sure that means she’s more upset than we’ve ever seen her.”

Steve nodded.“That sounds accurate.”

George set down his phone suddenly.“Becca, what do you think of Steve?” he asked.Becca, Winifred, and Steve all looked at each other with surprise.

“Well,” said Becca slowly, “Bucky likes him.And his art is good.”

“Don’t be nice just because I’m here,” Steve teased.He really didn’t have any idea what was going on, though.

“I dunno, Steve, you seem pretty cool,” Becca said seriously.“I mean, yeah, you basically broke Bucky’s heart and had him pining after you for, like, the first three months he was here, but you definitely made up for that with stuff like the whole ornaments thing and learning about football.And, I mean, you had a good reason, being worried about your jobs and all that.”She paused for a moment, then added, “And you haven’t beaten him up.I know that’s a pretty low bar, but like, at the very least you meet the minimum requirements.”

“Winifred?” George asked.

Winifred looked at Steve.“You’re taking care of my boy,” she told him.“At this point, I trust you with him almost as much as I do Nat.”

George nodded at Steve.“There you go, boy,” he said.“There’s your answer.”

Steve saw the wheels turning in Winifred and Becca’s minds.

“I call maid of honor,” Becca said.She sat down and pulled out her laptop.

“Well,” said Winifred, “This is certainly a busy week, isn’t it.”

Steve nodded.He felt a tension he didn’t know he’d been holding release.He smiled down at Bucky’s sleeping face.Then he leaned back and allowed himself to doze.


	29. I Wanna Wake Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky's home from the hospital and learning to adjust.
> 
> Bucky's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Panic Attack/Flashback
> 
> Content warning: Continuation of amputation coverage.
> 
> Fluff warning: SQUEEEEE
> 
> Chapter title from "Don't Threaten Me With a Good Time" by Panic! at the Disco.

Bucky was discharged as soon as he’d been set up with physical and occupational therapy appointments.He soon discovered that therapy was exhausting.Bucky constantly felt frustrated and on edge.His missing left arm kept giving him weird sensations.He ached all over, he felt lopsided, and he was even more depressed than usual.The sight of himself in the mirror made Bucky want to physically lash out.He didn’t, though.He was used to ignoring the voice in his head that told him to hurt himself.

After a week his parents had to go back to work.Becca worked from home, so her plan was to stay as long as she was needed.Steve drove them all to the airport.Bucky couldn’t bring himself to get out of the car; he hugged his parents through the window instead.

After two weeks Becca informed Bucky that they were going to the grocery store.Bucky didn’t want to go, but Nat and Steve thought it was a great idea, so they made an excursion of it.It was his first time going somewhere that wasn’t a medical appointment.It was horrible.

Bucky was used to getting funny looks.It had any time he was out in public before he and Steve had publicly started dating, since he’d been the oldest out LGBT person in town.Then there had been the reactions people had to him and Steve together.Now, however, everyone looked at Bucky with pity.A few people he had never spoken to had even come up to commend him on his bravery.It took all of Bucky’s energy to be polite.He hadn’t been a hero; he'd just done the only thing he could think of to help.Bucky wasn’t sure what was worse: people’s dislike, or their sympathy.Part of him wished the gun had hit his heart or his head instead of his arm.

“Is everyone always this nosy around here?” Becca asked in a sort of disgusted awe as another person craned their head to look.Becca glared back at them.She was making it a point to obviously stare at everyone who was staring at Bucky.

“Yeah,” Bucky muttered darkly.He was wearing sunglasses and a ball cap, and he was pushing the cart by leaning against it with his right arm.He realized he was veering to the left again and course corrected before Steve had a chance to even reflexively put his arm out to help.

Steve’s hovering had not improved his mood.Bucky knew that Steve was trying not to be overbearing.There were times that Bucky could see Steve physically restraining himself from doing things for Bucky.Bucky didn’t understand how he could appreciate something that was driving him so crazy, but he did love that Steve’s instinct was to help.If Steve thought Bucky was still worth something, it must be true.Steve never lied.Not to Bucky.

Bucky quickly got tired, so Nat and Becca went to the checkout line while Steve walked with Bucky back to the car.He collapsed into the back seat with a groan.“God, I could use a drink,” he grumbled.“Or a cigarette.Or a joint.”

“You don’t smoke cigarettes when you’re sober, and based on personal experience I strongly recommend not starting,” Steve said reasonably, “but we’ve got weed and alcohol at home.”He started to cuddle up next to Bucky, then asked, “May I?”Bucky nodded and leaned into Steve.Bucky hadn’t always been in the mood to be touched once he was back from the hospital, but right now Steve’s strong warmth was the calming influence he really needed more than any outside chemical substance.He closed his eyes and began to doze.

The next Friday, Steve took Bucky to Sal’s Diner after physical therapy.Bucky was craving a milkshake and no one made them like Sal.Steve held the door for Bucky and Bucky walked in, grinning at the thought of splitting a milkshake with Steve like two kids from a 50’s movie.Then Bucky looked at the inside of the diner.

When Bucky came back to himself he was hiding underneath a table, rocking back and forth and crying.Steve was sitting on the floor next to him, just close enough to touch if that was what Bucky wanted.Bucky realized that was what he wanted very much, but he couldn’t make himself move or talk.His eyes met Steve’s, desperately begging for contact, and Steve understood.He closed the distance between them and wrapped his strong arms around Bucky, resting his cheek on the top of Bucky’s head.“You’re ok, my love,” he whispered.“You’re safe.No one’s gonna hurt you.No one’s gonna get hurt today, Bucky.We’re all ok.”Bucky leaned into Steve’s chest and sobbed.Steve held on tightly.

A pair of well-worn tennis shoes approached the table.Sal crouched down and looked in on them kindly.“I’ve got your milkshakes,” she said.“They’re on a tray so you can have them down there.If you need to take them to go just bring back the glasses.”

“Thanks, Sal,” Steve said gratefully.Bucky nodded in agreement.

“Bucky,” Sal said hesitantly, “I did the same thing when I walked in here the day after.Actually, a lot of people have.You’re doin’ great.No one in here is gonna judge you for this.”

“I’m stoned out of my fucking mind right now,” Steve added.“That may be the only reason I’m not crying with you.”

“Steve!” Sal gasped in shock.Bucky found himself laughing through his tears.Steve looked down at Bucky and grinned.Sal shook her head at them.“If that’s the case, I’ll bring you some french fries too,” she said with a sigh.

“Do you want to try some of the oil, Darling?” Steve asked quietly once Sal was gone.“It kicks in pretty quickly if you can keep it under your tongue for a minute.”

“It won’t just make me more paranoid?” Bucky asked suspiciously.

“It might,” Steve admitted.“It obviously isn’t doing that to me, but everyone’s different.”

Bucky sighed.“If nothing else it’ll help with the pain,” he said.He had refused to fill the opioid prescription the hospital had sent him home with.“Let’s try it.”

Steve dug his cannabis oil out of his bag and put a few drops onto one of Bucky’s maraschino cherries.He fed the cherry to Bucky slowly, turning the experience into something sensual.Bucky’s heart rate sped up again at the feeling of Steve’s fingers gently brushing his lips, but this time, it was in a positive way.Bucky held the cherry under his tongue until Steve said, “ok.”Once he ate the cherry Steve rewarded him with a long, soft kiss.

By the time Sal came back with their french fries the oil had kicked in and Bucky was feeling a lot calmer.“Thank you, Sal,” Bucky said.“We really do appreciate this.”

“Anything for my favorite boys,” Sal said with a wink.

They stayed on the floor as they dipped their french fries into their milkshakes.Bucky didn’t even object when Steve insisted on feeding him french fries and milkshake by hand.Steve was making it feel more like a date activity than an effort to help Bucky.He even let Bucky hold his milkshake for him while Steve sipped it through his straw.

“I am sorry about this, my love,” Steve said eventually.

Bucky shook his head.“We couldn’t have known what would happen,” he said.

Steve looked pained.“But I should have anticipated—“

“No,” Bucky said sharply.“Look, Steve, just because you have panic attacks from your trauma doesn’t mean you can anticipate that other people are going to too.”

“I guess it was obvious,” Steve said, looking a little chagrined.

“Not only is it obvious when you’re having a panic attack, but Dr. Mom outright warned us that you had to be high as a kite just to survive being in the hospital,” Bucky informed Steve.“I didn’t realize you had to do it for my therapy too, but it makes sense.”

“Oh, Bucky,” Steve said sadly.

“It’s a huge fucking deal to me that you’re putting yourself through all this for me,” Bucky said.

“Of course I am,” Steve said, now looking distressed.“I love you.”

“When we get out of this mess, I’m gonna marry you,” Bucky vowed.

“Not if I marry you first,” Steve said.“Wait— is this a real proposal, or just commenting that this is a thing we’ll do one day?”

Bucky stopped to consider for a moment.“I’d always wanted a romantic proposal,” he said.“I’m not sure what’s more romantic than hiding under a table while stoned and eating milkshakes with french fries.”Bucky grinned at Steve.“Is that a yes, then?”

Steve laughed.“Yes, Dr. James Buchanan Barnes, of course I’ll marry you,” he said.He was positively radiating joy.

“I’m making the wedding cake,” Sal’s voice rang over the din of the diner.Bucky didn’t know how she’d heard them, but he realized he didn’t care.He just laughed and kissed Steve.


	30. Don't Think I'll Ever Get Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Have some fluff!
> 
> Steve's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updates are going to be slowing down now that I'm back at work.
> 
> Chapter title from "Don't Threaten Me With a Good Time" by Panic! at the Disco.

Steve insisted that they call Bucky’s parents as soon as they were home from the diner.Bucky didn’t seem to notice that his family wasn’t very surprised.Really, he just seemed relieved that they were clearly happy for them.Bucky needed a nap after that, but first he swore Steve and Becca to secrecy.“I wanna come up with a fun way to tell our friends,” he said.

“Ok, Darling,” Steve said with a smile.“That will be all up to you.”Steve kissed Bucky goodnap and then joined Becca in the living room.

“I’m kind of surprised you guys went back to Sal’s,” Becca said.She glared at Steve.

Steve sighed and rolled his eyes.“Don’t worry, I’ve already berated myself about it and Bucky’s told me off for thinking his panic attack was my fault.Yes, he had a panic attack,” Steve informed Becca.“We were actually sitting under the table.Apparently that’s the hot new fashion at Sal’s.Sal herself told us she’s been having flashbacks.”

“Shit,” Becca said.“Not only are you all nosy as fuck, but you’re also all batshit crazy.No wonder Bucky loves it here.”She shook her head and went back to editing code.

Bucky had weekends off from therapy, which meant that Steve didn’t need to get stoned to deal with Bucky’s appointments.It was kind of nice to actually wake up sober and stay that way.Steve stayed in bed curled up as the little spoon to Bucky’s big spoon until he felt Bucky begin to stir.

“Good morning, my love,” Steve said as he rolled over to face Bucky.

“My darling,” Bucky murmured sleepily as he nuzzled Steve’s face.That was all it took for Steve to get hard.Three weeks of medically-induced celibacy were starting to take their toll on him.

“Bucky, would you mind if I masturbated next to you?” Steve asked tentatively.

Steve heard Bucky’s breath catch.“Yes, I would,” Bucky replied, his voice low.Bucky kissed Steve, hard and needy.Steve realized that Bucky was just as desperate for sex as he was.

“You have a better idea?” Steve growled.He began to run his hands over Bucky’s bare chest, even lightly running a finger around the dressing that still covered Bucky’s shoulder.He felt Bucky shiver with desire.

“Ride me, Doll,” Bucky ordered, fire in his eyes.Steve could have orgasmed right there and then.The only thing Steve found hotter than giving Bucky orders was when Bucky gave Steve orders of his own. He grabbed the lube and began to prep himself.Bucky stopped him.“Let me,” he said, low and smooth.Steve passed Bucky the lube; Bucky took it in his mouth and looked wickedly at Steve as he bit on the tube to squirt it onto his fingers.The sight made Steve shiver. 

Steve climbed on top and let Bucky slide his pointer finger into his rectum.He gasped and threw his head back.Bucky added his middle finger and began to scissor them.Steve began to moan and rock back against Bucky’s fingers.“Ready for me, Doll?” Bucky asked wickedly.

Steve knew that he wasn’t as open as usual, but the thought of Bucky’s dick doing the rest of the work was somehow desperately appealing.He nodded.“Then lube me,” Bucky ordered with a wink. 

Steve complied and began to moan as Bucky rewarded him by massaging his prostate.“I’m ready for you, Daddy,” Steve said once Bucky’s thick cock was well-lubricated.

“Ok, Doll,” Bucky replied.He held his dick steady as Steve slowly eased down, his hands on the headboard.“You got this, my darling,” Bucky said as Steve paused and exhaled.He shifted his hips just slightly, causing Steve to whine.They did this several times before Steve bottomed out with a deep groan.Bucky moaned as well.

“You fill me up so well, Daddy,” Steve said as he began to fuck himself on Bucky.He’d missed this so much.

“You’re so tight for me, Stevie baby,” Bucky said, his voice low and sultry.

“I’ve missed this, Daddy,” Steve moaned.“It’s been so long.”Bucky was shifting his hips under Steve.Steve responded by lowering down onto his hands over Bucky.Bucky put his knees up, his feet flat on the bed, to give Steve help with leverage.Then he curled up, balancing on his right arm.Steve moved his right arm in close so Bucky could use him for balance as well.Bucky took Steve’s cock into his mouth and began to lick and suck.

It didn’t take very long for Steve to cum from the double pleasure of being inside Bucky while Bucky was inside him.“Daddy,” Steve screamed as his body flooded with sensation and joy.Bucky followed not long after.

Bucky grimaced as Steve gently slid off of him and laid down facing him, curled around Bucky’s shoulder and pressed into his side.“Are you ok, my love?” he asked.Steve began to feel worried— maybe it had been too soon for this?

“Ribs,” Bucky hissed through clenched teeth.“Worth it.”

Steve began to cover Bucky’s left shoulder in kisses.“You want some of the oil?” he asked.Bucky nodded.His jaw was still set.

Steve grabbed the brown bottle from his nightstand.He slowly kissed Bucky, opening Bucky’s lips with his tongue and forcing Bucky’s jaw to unclench.Once Steve thought Bucky’s mouth was relaxed enough, he pulled away and put a few drops of oil under Bucky’s tongue.He held Bucky’s jaw softly with one hand, his thumb behind Bucky’s ear.Once enough time had passed for the oil to absorb Steve began to kiss Bucky again.

They continued making out until Bucky was no longer in pain.Steve wished he could make Bucky better.What stayed him was remembering how much he hated being hovered over and “fixed.”Steve would settle for being Bucky’s favorite distraction from the pain.At least it made him feel like he was doing something useful.

“You two sure are loud,” Becca said grumpily when they emerged later.“And why are you still naked?”

“Because it’s shower day,” Steve explained as he and Bucky went into the bathroom together.

“Of course it is,” Steve heard her mutter.Bucky just chuckled.


	31. I Had a Cane and a Party Hat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Avengers celebrate Steve and Bucky's engagement!
> 
> Bucky's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all deserve this fluff.
> 
> Chapter title from "Don't Threaten Me With a Good Time" by Panic! at the Disco.

Nat suggested they do a spa day on Saturday.Bucky realized as he looked in the mirror that he was actually very ok with this.He’d been trying to trim his beard one handed, but it took a lot longer now than it had before.

It ended up being more of a ‘cut Steve and Bucky’s hair’ session than a spa day, but it was still nice to just hang out and not have to worry about work or therapy.Bucky’s only regret was that he couldn’t braid hair as easily anymore.Becca was nice and let him try, but it turned out much sloppier than Bucky’s standards allowed for.

“Hey, let’s go out for dinner,” Nat suggested as the afternoon wore into evening.Bucky realized he was nervous— he didn’t want a repeat of Sal’s Diner this soon.

“Maybe we could make it takeout?” he asked dubiously.

“Yeah, ok,” Nat said as she fixed Bucky with a look that told him it wasn’t going to be takeout.

The four of them piled into Nat’s car.It only took Bucky a couple minutes to realize they were driving the wrong direction.“Hey, Nat, where are we going?” Bucky asked.Nat didn’t answer.

“Nat?” Steve asked, sounding upset.

They pulled into Tony’s driveway.

“Do you trust me?” Nat asked.

“Yes,” Steve said.

“Then don’t ask questions.”Nat got out of the car.Becca followed, so Bucky and Steve got out and went with them.Nat opened the front door for them and Becca ushered them inside.

Bucky couldn’t believe his eyes.The place looked like an explosion of crepe paper and balloons.A ‘congratulations on your engagement’ banner hung on the back wall of the living room.All the Avengers were there— Tony and Pepper, Clint, Bruce, even Sam and Rhodey.They were all holding pre-opened bottles of champagne.“You guys?” Bucky said, his arm wrapping around Steve for support.Steve put his own arm around Bucky tightly.

“You should know by now that nothing that happens at Sal’s stays at Sal’s,” Clint reminded them.“It’s like the opposite of Las Vegas.”

“Tony?” Steve said.Bucky heard the guarded hope in his voice.

Tony looked uncomfortable.“Barnes can start back at his job whenever he’s ready,” Pepper said.“We’d actually decided that before the shooting.”

Bucky felt like crying.“I won’t be able to work as quickly anymore,” he told them.

Tony and Bruce looked at each other, then to Nat and Rhodey.“Bucky,” Tony said slowly, “We’d like you to be the first Winter Soldier.”

Bucky was thankful Steve was holding him up, because his grip slipped at Tony’s words.“What,” he gasped.

“You know the project inside and out,” Bruce said.“You know how it’s supposed to work.You’ll know if it’s doing what it’s supposed to.If something malfunctions, you’ll know before someone unfamiliar with the tech would.You could even do your own maintenance.”

“The FDA has given permission, if you’re willing to try it,” Rhodey added.

“… It may also all be an elaborate scheme to get you to come back and finish the project and continue working for me,” Tony said.His words were an obvious attempt to hide the fact that he was feeling strong emotions about the situation.

“You get to be the world’s first cyborg,” Nat said with a grin.“If you want.”

“Of course I want,” Bucky said quickly.“I-wow- Steve, I’ll be able to code!I could bake!I could top you!”He grinned at Steve, feeling on top of the world.In the past 36 hours he’d gotten engaged, gotten laid for the first time in three weeks, and now was being invited to test out his own labor of love.Steve looked absolutely thrilled.

“Of course you bring it back to sex,” Becca moaned.She looked happy for Bucky, though.

Then a thought occurred to Bucky.He felt a twinge of guilt that it had taken him this long.“What about Steve?” Bucky asked Tony and Pepper, frowning.

“Your positions have been reinstated as well,” Pepper said to Steve.“You can start whenever you like.”

Steve looked at Bucky and took a deep breath.Bucky nodded at Steve— he thought he knew what Steve was going to say, and he knew it was the choice that would make them both happiest.“Tony, Pepper, I’m obviously very grateful that you’ve had this change of heart, but—“

“—You’d rather continue freelancing so you can take care of Bucky, plan your wedding, maybe even start that business you’d thought about,” Tony finished for him.“At least tell me you’ll stay on the board, Rogers.Meetings have been horrible without you.”

Bucky felt Steve relax.“I would love to stay on the board,” he told Tony with a grin.“And if you ever need to contract out, I would be more than happy to work with you on a freelance basis.”

Tony grinned.“Someone get these people bottles of champagne!” he said enthusiastically.

Becca’s eyes went huge as Bucky passed her a full bottle.“What, didn’t you party in college?” Bucky asked teasingly.

“Not really,” Becca admitted.“I’ve never been a cool nerd like you and you know it,” she told Bucky.

Nat laughed.“Oh Becca, you sweet summer child, you have no idea what you’re in for, do you,” she said.

“To Steve and Bucky, the goddamn bastards!Congrats on deciding to be Stucky for life!” Tony toasted.

“Oh no,” Steve groaned.“Really?We’re doing ship names now?”Bucky just grinned, took a swig of his champagne, and kissed Steve.

There was a lot for them all to catch up on, since Tony and Pepper hadn’t really talked to the others in over a month.Pepper felt so guilty about the whole situation that she practically chugged her bottle of champagne to try and deal with the stress and ended up just sobbing in the middle of the living room, begging Steve and Bucky to forgive her.She finally seemed to accept that there were no hard feelings when Bucky kissed her forehead; Tony and Steve were able to use her momentary shock to pick her up and put her to bed.

Bucky went to grab himself another slice of pizza and overheard Becca hitting on Sam.“You’re very cute and all, but I’m very gay,” he heard Sam tell Becca.

“Oh,” Becca said, clearly disappointed.“Do you have any younger siblings?” she asked hopefully.

“I have a sister about your age,” Sam said, clearly questioning if Becca was hitting on his siblings by proxy.

“She into girls?” Becca asked.

“I… don’t know?” Sam said, sounding bewildered.“I think so?”

“Great,” Becca said.“You’re gonna introduce me tomorrow,” she informed Sam.

Bucky chuckled and made his way back to Steve.Tony had gone outside to open more bottles of champagne; Steve had snagged two as Tony came back in and held them up for Bucky to see.

The one advantage to losing his arm was that it actually meant he could cuddle up closer to Steve on his left side.Bucky pressed up against Steve as Steve passed one of the bottles to Bucky and wrapped his now-free arm around him.They were both very pleasantly drunk.

“I’m the luckiest man in the world,” Bucky said, sighing contentedly.

“I thought that was my title,” Steve murmured, pressing a kiss to Bucky’s hair.

“I’ll kiss you for it,” Bucky whispered as he gazed into Steve’s eyes.The sheer amount of love he saw there made his breath catch.Bucky wondered if he would ever get used to it.

“I like that idea,” Steve whispered back.He pulled Bucky in for a hug and kissed him, slow but hard.Bucky kissed back, soft and happy.He couldn’t help but smile.

“What,” Steve murmured into Bucky’s mouth.

“I love you, Punk,” Bucky said.“I always will.’Til the end of the line.”Then he gave Steve’s lip a gentle nip.

“Jerk,” Steve chuckled softly.“I love you too, Bucky.I’m with you.’Til the end of the line.”


	32. Lost my Mind in a Wedding Gown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Tony make up.
> 
> Steve's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life threw a lot at me today, so hopefully this is coherent.
> 
> Chapter title from "Don't Threaten Me With a Good Time" by Panic! at the Disco.

Steve woke up before Bucky the next morning.He laid in bed for a while, but soon became restless.He figured he may as well get up— at the very least, he could start the coffee for everyone.Steve threw on a pair of pants, not bothering to note if they were his or Bucky’s, and quietly made his way to the kitchen.

Tony was already there.He greeted Steve with a nod and returned to beating eggs for a quiche.Steve poured himself a cup of coffee and sat down at the kitchen table.

“How’s Bucky doing?” Tony asked awkwardly.

“Fine.Still asleep,” Steve said.“He’s not sleeping as much as he did right out of the hospital, but I guess the whole healing and therapy process are pretty exhausting.”Honestly, just watching the exercises and frustration Bucky was going through on a daily basis was exhausting for Steve.The upside was that they had gotten very good at celebrating small victories.

Tony poured the egg mixture into a pie crust and put it in the oven.He set the timer on the stove before turning to look at Steve.“It’s the talk of the town, you know.Bucky being a hero.You refusing to leave his side, even though everyone knows you can’t handle hospitals.How’ve you managed that, by the way?” Tony asked curiously.

Steve sighed.“Lots and lots of weed,” he answered.“Dr. Mom wrote me a medical card.”Steve took a sip of his coffee before asking what was on his mind.“Tony, why the change of heart?If this is all just pity, Bucky’s gonna murder you.”

Tony grabbed his own cup of coffee and sat down next to Steve.“Pepper actually wanted to apologize and work things out the next day,” Tony said with a heavy sigh.“You know how her temper is— there one minute, gone the next.But we’d already started proceedings, so I convinced her it was too late.Or I thought I did; turned out she’d been going over the situation with her own lawyers behind my back,” Tony added drily.

“So what changed?” Steve asked, looking over at Tony.

Tony sighed again.“I punched you in the face, and then Rhodey chewed my ass off,” he said.“And then we found out that Nat, Clint, and Rhodey had been a little overzealous about sealing court documents, and— well, you were there for that conversation.”Tony took a sip of his coffee.“I guess when I realized that Pepper and Rhodey were the only ones left in my corner, and they were both actually somewhat sympathetic to your situation, well— you know me, Steve, I’m not really a heartless bastard, I just act like one.”

“Yeah you do,” Steve said with a smirk.He elbowed Tony playfully.Tony just rolled his eyes and sipped his coffee.“Tony,” Steve said tentatively, “What would you have done if Bucky and I had asked first?”

“Probably said no,” Tony admitted.“And then you would have moped and made sad eyes at Bucky, or avoided everyone entirely, and I would have been forced to relent just because I can’t stand to see you looking like a kicked dog.”

Steve just nodded.It was comforting to know that some variation of this situation would have happened no matter what.He leaned against Tony and put his head on Tony’s shoulder, his eyes closed.

“Save it for your boy toy,” Tony grumbled, but he put his arm around Steve.Steve smiled and put his arm around Tony.It felt good to have his friend back.

As everyone gathered around the table for breakfast, Tony said, “Alright, third time’s the charm.Steve, Bucky, why don’t you tell us how you two got together?”

Steve and Bucky looked at each other.“Well, first we used some lube…” Bucky started to say.Nat, Clint, and Sam all choked on their laughter.Tony and Becca rolled their eyes.“Nah, Steve seemed to be flirting that first night at our apartment, so when I spun the bottle and got him I got a little… aggressive,” Bucky said.

“Yeah, you did,” Steve said fondly.“Then Nat invited Clint and I to join her and Bucky for their IKEA trip, and— well, you all know how Clint’s driving makes me nervous,” Steve admitted.

“So I distracted him,” Bucky finished.

“We literally had to physically separate them to get them out of the truck,” Nat grumbled.

Clint nodded.“Since I knew Steve hadn’t gotten laid since Peggy moved back to London, and Nat said Bucky hadn’t gotten laid in months either, we figured we’d leave ‘em in town to bone it out,” he said.“And, I mean, technically, it did work.”

“Yeah, it did,” Bucky said to Steve with a suggestive wink.Steve couldn’t help but roll his eyes, but he gave Bucky a high five anyway.

“And then you went your separate ways after that weekend because of the Stark Industries Sexual Harassment Prevention Policy,” Tony said with a sigh.Steve wrapped his arm around Bucky and gave him a squeeze.

“Which meant I had to hear Bucky moaning Steve’s name twice a day,” Nat grumbled again.“More on weekends.I regret giving you that vibrator two Hanukkahs ago.”

Steve looked at Bucky with surprise.“You never told me you have a vibrator,” he said reproachfully.If he’d known, they would have used it by now.

Bucky rolled his eyes.“It’s in my nightstand drawer, Steve.You’ve never looked?”

“No,” Steve said, feeling a bit surprised that Bucky would assume he had looked through his things.“Why would I?”

“God, Steve, you’re such an only child,” Becca said, rolling her eyes.Steve looked at her and realized the oversized tee she was wearing looked awfully familiar.

“Hey, wait, is that my shirt?” Steve asked, now feeling confused.

“Moving on,” Pepper said, “Steve, is this why you were isolating yourself for a while?We were worried you were having another depressive episode or something.”

Steve found himself unable to look anywhere but the table.Bucky shifted closer.Steve found his warmth comforting.“I had a hard time,” he admitted.Bucky kissed his cheek.Steve leaned his head against Bucky’s.

“Cigarettes, whisky, and work?” Sam asked. 

Steve nodded, now feeling embarrassed.“I wish I’d handled it more like Bucky did,” he said.

“No, you don’t,” Becca said.The entire table looked at her.Steve sat up and looked at Bucky.He’d suddenly gone pale.

“Becca, please,” Bucky pleaded.“Not here.Not now.”

“James Buchanan Barnes, you wouldn’t know a healthy coping mechanism if it bit you in the ass,” Becca said.She looked angry.

Steve was beginning to feel incredibly awkward.On the one hand, he wanted to know more about what Becca was saying.On the other hand, Bucky was clearly uncomfortable.“It doesn’t matter much now, since we ended up together,” he said in an overly-casual tone.Becca leaned back in her chair and continued to glare.

“And we’re all very happy about that, especially since we now get to see how happy you two are together,” Pepper said warmly.

“Just remember,” Tony added, “You can’t get married until after we do.”

Steve laughed and shook his head before pulling Bucky in for a kiss.Maybe enough kisses would draw out whatever secrets Bucky was still keeping from him.Steve desperately hoped that being with him counted as one of Bucky’s healthy coping mechanisms.


	33. Memories Tend to Just Pop Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky returns to Sal's. To no one's surprise but his own, it doesn't go well.
> 
> Bucky's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Flashback/panic attack; discussion of suicidal ideation
> 
> Chapter title from "Don't Threaten Me With a Good Time" by Panic! at the Disco

Bucky wanted to take Becca to Sal’s Diner.“Sal’s is a local institution,” he informed her.“I can’t believe no one’s taken you there yet.”

“We’ve been a little preoccupied,” Steve said drily.“Besides, the last time we went in there, you ended up on the floor under a table.”

Bucky sighed.“But now that I’ve done it it’s not gonna happen again, right?” he said.“I’ve gotten that one out of the way.”At least, that’s what Bucky had convinced himself in the week that had passed since that particular incident.

“It doesn’t exactly work that way,” Steve said.He and Becca were looking dubiously at Bucky.

Bucky sighed and rolled his eyes.“Fine, we’ll bring Sam,” he said.

It was a good thing they brought Sam.Bucky stepped inside and terror immediately seized him.He heard screaming.The gunman must be here.Steve was in danger.And not just Steve— he’d brought Becca into this too.Sweet little Becca, three years younger, the shy nerd of the family—

Bucky tried to grab both Steve and Becca at the same time, but for some reason he couldn’t seem to get a grip with his left hand.He threw Becca under the nearest table and then grabbed Steve, pulling him under the table, shielding Becca with his body.If this was his time to die, he was ready.

Then he felt something cold drip onto the back of his neck.Blood wasn’t cold.He looked up and saw chocolate milkshake dripping from the underside of the table.Then he realized that he, Steve, and Becca weren’t the only ones under the table.

“You boys want the usual?” Sal asked.She was crouched down so that she could see their faces.

“Yeah,” came Steve’s muffled reply from Bucky’s armpit.“Four of ‘em, we’ve got Bucky’s sister.Extra fries, too, please.”

“Hi,” Becca squeaked from underneath Bucky.

“Sal,” came Bill’s gruff voice from underneath Becca, “Maybe you could pull another table over?”

“Of course, Bill,” Sal said kindly.“I’ll bring you some fresh food, too.”

“Thanks,” Bill replied.

“I’ll move the table,” Bucky heard Sam say.He saw a pair of legs walk over to the table next to them.The table rose from the floor as Sam picked it up and quietly placed it next to the one they were hiding under.

“Can’t. Breathe,” Becca squawked.Bucky released his grip on Steve and Steve helped maneuver him into a sitting position against the bench seat on the wall.Bucky heard Becca take a giant breath in relief.

“Y’all weren’t kidding when you said this was the new trend at Sal’s,” Sam said as he joined them under the table.“Y’all need therapy.”

“The therapists around here are swamped,” Steve said.“Bucky’s intake isn’t even until August.”He opened his bag and pulled out the small brown bottle.He opened his mouth and placed a few drops of amber liquid under his tongue.

“Holy _shit_,” Sam exclaimed.“Four months out?That’s literally a nightmare.”

“You could move back here, open a practice,” Bill suggested as he wiped milkshake off of himself with napkins.

Sam frowned thoughtfully.“That’s… actually not a bad idea, Bill.I’ll have to think on that.”

“Anyone else want some?” Steve asked.“Cannabis oil,” he clarified for the confused looks on Becca and Bill’s faces.Bucky opened his mouth, feeling a bit like a baby bird, but he wasn’t up to talking yet.He was still shaking.

“Does it help?” Bill asked with interest.

Steve shrugged.“It’s gotten me through Bucky’s medical appointments without having to take pills,” he told Bill as he placed several drops under Bucky’s tongue.

“Good enough for me, let’s try it,” Bill said.He opened his mouth so Steve could put a couple drops of the oil in.

“Question,” Becca said, staring at Steve like he was either crazy, dealing drugs, or both, “Why do you all come back here if it triggers you?”

Bill and Steve exchanged a look.“Because it’s Sal’s,” Bill explained, as though that was all the answer Becca needed.

“Everyone’s always gone to Sal’s,” Sam told Becca.“We grew up going here.Most people’s parents grew up going here.Before it was Sal’s, it was Jim’s— her dad owned the place.”

“Besides,” Bucky said, finally finding his voice, “If we stop coming here, the terrorists have won.I’m not gonna let some fascist keep me from the world’s best milkshakes.”

“That’s the spirit,” Sam said enthusiastically.

It became a little cramped under the table once their food arrived, but no one suggested that they sit in the chairs.Bucky was extremely grateful.“I’m thinking I might redecorate the place,” Sal said as she brought out the rest of their food.“I don’t think Dad would mind, given the circumstances.It’s either that or install gym mats on the floor.Margie just about broke her hip getting under the table last Sunday.”

“Serve the old bat right, way she talked about Bucky,” Steve muttered under his breath.Sal obviously heard him, though.

“Steve!” she chided.Bucky laughed and smiled at Steve fondly.

“I think redecorating is a great idea, Sal,” Sam said.“For one thing, the bullet holes in the ceiling don’t really match your aesthetic.For another, they’re probably triggering your diners.”

“You make a compelling point,” Sal told him.

“Compelling enough to join the free milkshakes for life club?” Sam asked hopefully, a teasing twinkle in his eye.

“Don’t press your luck, Wilson,” Sal said as she walked off.Bucky, Steve, Bill, and Becca laughed.

Sam was quiet through most of lunch.“Bucky,” Sam said after they finished eating, “Do you want me to talk to some of the therapists in town and see if they can get you in any sooner?”

Bucky shrugged.“Nah, it’s nothing I can’t handle,” he said.He noticed that Becca, Steve, Sam, and Bill were all glaring at him.“What?” he asked.

“Bucky, I’ve been telling you to go to therapy for _years_,” Becca said angrily.

Bucky huffed.“And I’ve been telling you for years, I’m _fine_,” he snapped back.

Becca glared at Bucky.“Has he ever told you why he doesn’t drive?” she asked Sam, Steve, and Bill.

Steve looked surprised.“No,” he said,“I guess we just thought he was really into ecologically friendly transportation.”

Bucky sighed.“After abusive shithole boyfriend number two— you know, the one who jumped out of my moving car?— I stopped driving because every time I did, I thought about crashing it,” he said sullenly.“I didn’t _want_ to crash it,” Bucky added quickly.Steve had gone pale and tense.

“Right, so we call that suicidal ideation,” Sam informed him.

Bucky shook his head.This was why he never talked to anyone about it; he knew they wouldn’t understand.“I don’t really wanna die or hurt myself, I just think about it,” he said.“It’s not like I’m depressed or anything.Like, I’m happy when I’m with Steve, and I have hobbies and stuff,” Bucky added.

“Right,” Becca said skeptically.“And when you’re on your own for more than, say, 24 hours, how long before you get drunk or high?”

Bucky glared furiously at Becca.“I don’t get drunk alone anymore, I’ll have you know,” he informed her.“I haven’t done that since…” he trailed off.He couldn’t actually remember.Once he’d moved to the west coast and had easy access to legal marijuana, that had been his drug of choice when he was on his own.“Ok,” Bucky said, “It’s been long enough that I can’t remember, so you can’t call me out on my alcohol consumption.”He looked at Becca with a small sense of triumph.

“You didn’t really answer the question, Buck,” Steve said quietly.Bucky couldn’t stand the look of heartbreak in his eyes.

“It’s not like it’s weird for people to not like living alone,” Bucky grumbled.From the time he was a teen he hadn’t been able to understand how anyone could live with just their own self-critical voice in their head.He wasn’t exactly an extrovert, but being alone too long literally drove him crazy.

“Bucky,” Sam said in what Bucky realized must be his therapist voice, “are you comfortable with telling us the last time you thought about injuring yourself or dying?”

“Besides the flashback?” Bucky asked as he thought back.He wasn’t sure why he was answering the question, but he answered it anyway.“I mean, I kinda wanna stab myself every time I look in the mirror, but I think that’s just my anger.It’ll get better once I get used to what I look like now, right?”Steve was on the verge of tears.Becca’s lips had gone thin; she was glaring at Bucky with her arms crossed.Bill looked sadly at Bucky.“Right?” Bucky asked, now worried.

“Congrats, Barnes, I think you just told me enough that I can take you on as an emergency case,” Sam told him.“Are you ok with that?”

Bucky became defensive.“Do I have a choice?” he asked angrily.

“No,” Becca said, sounding equally angry.Bucky glared at her.

“Please, Bucky,” Steve whispered, his voice full of more pain and heartbreak than Bucky had ever heard before, “I can’t lose you, too.”Steve closed his eyes, obviously trying to collect himself.Bucky saw a tear roll down his cheek.His anger broke, giving way to exhaustion.

Bucky reached out and gently wiped Steve’s tear away.He kept his hand on Steve’s cheek.Steve kept his eyes closed; his lower lip began to tremble slightly.“Fine, if you’re gonna cry about it, ya jerk,” Bucky said, his voice rough.He kissed Steve gently, trying to soothe his trembling lips.Steve kissed back as though asking for reassurance.Bucky felt himself trying to give it to Steve with his lips.Steve pulled Bucky into his lap and held him tightly, as if trying to convince himself that Bucky wasn’t about to disappear.

“We’ll be outside,” Sam said gently.Bucky gave a slight nod.He wasn’t going anywhere as long as Steve needed him.


	34. I Think We've Had Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Bucky open up a bit more to each other.
> 
> Steve's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The epilogue is coming, and it is 100% pure smut. I mean, as of right now. I do have a habit of sneaking plot into my porn so we'll see what happens.
> 
> Chapter title from "Don't Threaten Me With a Good Time" by Panic! at the Disco.

As soon as they got back to the apartment Sam took Steve aside.“You will NOT hover,” he hissed at Steve.“We need him to trust us.That means trusting him.You hear me?”

“I never said I was going to hover,” Steve grumbled, feeling slightly abashed.Secretly, though, he’d been thinking that he wasn’t letting Bucky out of his sight ever again.Steve sighed and dug around in his bag, pulling out a cigarette case and a lighter.He pulled out a joint and lit up, leaning back against the wall as he exhaled.

Sam was looking at Steve with concern.“Ok, I’m thinking we need to have a conversation too,” he said.

Steve rolled his eyes.“It’s helping me keep off the cigarettes and stay calm,” Steve said.“And besides, if it were the Xanax instead of weed you wouldn’t be saying that, and we both know it,” he told Sam.He offered the joint to him, but Sam declined.

“Actually, I think I would,” Sam said carefully.“You’re under a lot of stress right now too, Steve.I know you know that meds are most effective when paired with therapy.”

Steve exhaled another cloud of smoke.He couldn’t disagree.Becca walked over and plucked the joint out of Steve’s hand, inhaled, and then immediately coughed.“How can you guys smoke?” she asked, her eyes watering.

“You get used to it,” Steve said idly.“Also, hold your breath for a few seconds after inhaling, it works better that way.Short inhalations and long exhalations are easier on the throat.” 

Becca tried again, following Steve’s instructions.She coughed less.

“Why are you standing in the entryway teaching my sister how to smoke joints?” Bucky asked suspiciously.Steve hadn’t heard him walk over.Steve nodded at Becca, indicating that she should pass it to Bucky.He took it and inhaled.“You’re talking about me, aren’t you,” he said with obvious frustration.

“And me,” Steve added.“Which, I mean, Sam’s right.My anxiety has been off the charts lately.”He found himself laughing.“We’re quite the pair, aren’t we, Love?” he said, shaking his head.

“You’re tellin’ me, Pal,” Bucky grumbled.He passed the joint to Sam, who rolled his eyes and took it.“Now come on, I wanna crush Becca at Smash Bros.”

Steve was restless that night.He tried not to disturb Bucky as he fell asleep, but he couldn’t stop tossing and turning.He rolled over to face Bucky and found Bucky looking at him with concern.“You ok, Stevie?” he asked, wrapping his arm around Steve’s shoulders.

“Can’t sleep,” Steve said, as though it wasn’t obvious.He shifted out of Bucky’s hold and flipped onto his back with a sigh.

Bucky propped himself up on his arm and looked at Steve seriously.“Wanna talk about it?” he asked.Steve just shrugged.Bucky laid back down.Steve thought he was going to go to sleep, but after a moment, Bucky asked “Stevie, why did you never tell me you had cancer?”

Steve was surprised by the question.He’d completely forgotten that it had come up while looking at the photo albums.A lot had happened that day, after all. 

“I mean, how do you tell someone something like that?” Steve replied slowly.“I know it’s a big thing, and it’s part of who I am today, but— well, it’s not exactly a great opener, you know?And then at what point in a relationship is it the right time to bring it up?Usually I tell people when they ask about my scars, but you’ve never done that.”He looked over at Bucky.Bucky was still staring at the ceiling.“Plus some people get weird about it.They tell me I’m super brave and that type of shit, and it’s like— what else was I supposed to do, die?It’s not like you get a choice really, you know?”

“Did you think I’d be weird about it?” Bucky asked, turning to face Steve.

“I don’t know,” Steve said truthfully.“Honestly, Darling, I’d forgotten you didn’t know.You’re such a big part of my life— it just feels like you know everything about me, you feel?”

Bucky nodded, then looked back up at the ceiling.“That makes sense,” he said.He was quiet for a minute.“I never told you guys about— well— you know,” he continued, gesturing helplessly, “because I didn’t want you all to get weird about it.And I feel like you all kind of did.”

Steve felt as though the wind had been knocked out of him.He wanted to argue, but he knew that wouldn’t help anything.Instead, he said, “Thank you for telling me this.”Bucky looked at him sharply.“I’m serious,” Steve added.They were quiet again for a while.

“I guess the thing is,” Steve said slowly, “stuff like— anxiety, or depression, you know— well, it creeps up on you, right?And it lies to you and tells you that everything’s fine, everything’s normal, but really, you’re just— well, I think you know.”He rolled over to face Bucky and rested a hand on Bucky’s chest.“I know I freaked out.My anxiety told me that you were gonna kill yourself, and it was gonna be just like when Ma did, and I couldn’t handle it.”

“I don’t wanna be on meds,” Bucky said quietly.“I wanna feel like myself.”

“I’m on meds,” Steve said softly.

Bucky looked surprised.“I’ve never seen you take them,” he said.“And don’t you hate pills?”

“I do,” Steve replied.“I usually hide in the bathroom to take them because I have to psych myself up for it, and then reward myself with candy after.But when you get one that works, it doesn’t make you feel like a zombie or anything like that.It just helps you feel… alive again, after a while.”

Bucky shifted himself closer to Steve and wrapped his arm around him again.“And when were you gonna tell me about that?” Bucky asked Steve wryly.Steve opened his mouth to say something, but Bucky stopped him with a kiss.“I’m not really mad at you or anything,” Bucky said with a sigh.“I’m just— mad.Mostly at myself, for admitting to— to hating myself, and thinking about dying and shit.”

“Ok, you didn’t exactly admit to hating yourself earlier today,” Steve said.He had to work very hard not to be mad at Bucky’s depression for convincing Bucky of such an absolutely horrible thing.“But now that you’ve said it, I’m going to cover you with kisses every time you say something negative about yourself for the rest of eternity.”Steve began to kiss Bucky in all the places he knew were ticklish with light pressure.It worked; Bucky began to laugh.

“Fuck you,” Bucky said, but he was smiling.

Steve’s cock gave an interested twitch.“You up for that right now?” Steve asked.

“Not really,” Bucky said.“Sorry.”He buried his face in Steve’s chest instead.

“No need to apologize,” Steve said as he pulled Bucky closer.He breathed in the scent of Bucky’s hair products.Steve loved the way he smelled.“Thanks for talking, Buck,” Steve said quietly.

“I love you,” Bucky said, his voice muffled by Steve’s chest.

“I love you too, my darling,” Steve whispered into Bucky’s hair.Steve felt a lot calmer.He was able to drift off to sleep along with Bucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was this my excuse to use Steve to voice my own perspectives as a childhood cancer survivor? Noooooo.... obviously not....


	35. Bedsheets and a Morning Rose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get sexy in the epilogue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Enjoy!
> 
> Chapter title from "Don't Threaten Me With a Good Time" by Panic! at the Disco.

“Welcome home, Mr. Barnes,” Bucky said with a smile as he switched off the ignition and kicked down the kickstand. 

“Welcome home, Mr. Rogers,” Steve replied with a warm smile of his own.

They climbed off of Bucky’s brand new motorcycle and took their helmets off, meeting for a kiss in front of it.Steve ran his hands down Bucky’s arms, making Bucky shiver with desire.Steve stopped at Bucky’s hands, feeling the ring he’d placed on Bucky’s metal prosthetic finger only a few hours earlier.After a moment, he dropped Bucky’s left hand and began to pull him towards the front door. 

Bucky followed along, laughing giddily.Steve smiled deeper at the sound.It was still new to them.Bucky had been in therapy for a year and on the antidepressants for nine months before that particular laugh first bubbled up, easier and freer than any of his current friends had heard before, surprising even Bucky himself.Becca had needed to disappear quickly to the restroom when she heard it.

When the reached the front door Bucky opened it.“Together?” Steve asked, looking into Bucky’s eyes.

Bucky nodded.“Together.”They stepped over the threshold to their home as one.

Steve and Bucky had been so busy in the week leading up to their wedding that there hadn’t been time for sex.The temptation to fuck like animals in the doorway was strong, but they resisted.They had agreed that they wanted their wedding night to be ridiculously romantic.They weren’t going to waste any of the preparations they’d made.

They left their shoes and socks in the entryway.Steve took the pre-opened bottle of champagne from the fridge as Bucky grabbed two glasses.They walked to the bedroom, vibrating with excitement and desire.Steve shut the door so the cat couldn’t participate and began to pour champagne as Bucky lit candles and plugged in the Christmas lights they had strung on the metal headboard.Once Bucky was done he walked over to where Steve stood with two glasses of champagne.Steve pulled Bucky in close as he handed him his glass.

“To us,” Steve murmured, his voice dark and low.

“To us,” Bucky replied.They clinked their glasses and drank deeply.

Steve set his now half-full glass down and took a deep breath.He gently cradled Bucky’s head in his hands and pulled him in for a kiss.It started soft and gentle, but desire and arousal took over, and soon they were panting for breath.Bucky pulled back and took a sip of his champagne to slow himself down.Steve followed suit.

Bucky began to loosen Steve’s crimson tie as Steve watched, still drinking his champagne.Bucky’s fingers lightly brushed Steve’s neck as he slowly unknotted it.He let it fall to the floor as he traced his finger down the tendons in Steve’s neck, ending at his collar.He undid the first button, pushing Steve’s white dress shirt open gently as he traced his way down to buttons number two and three.Steve’s light brown chest hair was peeking out now.Bucky sipped his champagne again as he kept his gaze on Steve’s newly exposed skin, looking away only once he had finished his glass.

Bucky refilled their glasses and they toasted each other silently, too lost in each other for words.Then Bucky stepped behind Steve and gently pulled Steve’s suit jacket off as he pressed his lips into Steve’s pulse points and breathed into his ear.Steve shivered.Bucky reached around and unbuckled Steve’s belt, pulling it out from the loops on his waistband.He carefully set it aside for potential use later.Steve realized what Bucky meant by the gesture and moaned softly.

Bucky continued to slowly undress Steve as they sipped their champagne.He undid Steve’s remaining buttons, his fingers lingering just a little too long on each one, before walking around Steve and taking the dress shirt off the same way he’d removed the navy suit jacket.He ran his hands over Steve’s tight white undershirt, feeling the muscle through the thin cotton, teasing Steve’s nipples as the fabric carried the sensation over a wider area.

“Kneel,” Bucky said, and Steve obeyed.Bucky pulled the undershirt over Steve’s head as Steve raised his arms to help.Bucky took a moment to look at Steve.He ran his metal fingers through Steve’s hair gently.Then he tugged, pulling Steve’s head back so that Steve had to meet his eyes.Bucky drank his champagne as he forced Steve to look at him, the look on his face wicked and sultry.They both knew that Steve would do literally anything Bucky asked of him right at this moment.

Bucky pulled Steve back into a standing position and handed his glass of champagne back to him.Bucky had already finished his second glass, but Steve had not, so Bucky said, “Drink.”Steve drank as Bucky sank to his own knees now and unbuttoned Steve’s navy dress pants.He chuckled when he realized Steve hadn’t been wearing any underwear.

“Just wanted to be prepared,” Steve said with a shrug.He was trying to look nonchalant, but the fire and longing in his eyes made that impossible.

Bucky finished pushing Steve’s pants down all the way to his ankles.Steve stepped out of them, carefully kicking them aside.Bucky gave the underside of Steve’s erect penis a long, wet swipe from his tongue, his eyes on Steve’s face the entire time.Steve closed his eyes and moaned, then quickly opened them again with a startled “Oh!”Bucky had moved on and was now rimming Steve while Steve was standing, his tongue darting in and out of Steve’s hole.Steve had to set down his now-empty glass and grip the dresser for balance.

Bucky finished with a kiss and then stood up.He grinned wickedly at Steve as he picked up the champagne bottle and, instead of pouring himself a glass, raised it to his lips and drank.Bucky passed the bottle to Steve.Steve could taste himself on the mouth of the bottle.

“My turn,” Steve said as he set the bottle down.The dynamic in the room shifted.Steve was a little more aggressive about undressing Bucky than Bucky had been while undressing Steve.He untied Bucky’s black tie and yanked it off, throwing it to the floor next to his own red one.Steve pressed his lips against Bucky’s neck and jaw, nipping and sucking as he unbuttoned Bucky’s crimson shirt.Steve took another drink of champagne from the bottle as he admired his handiwork.He passed the bottle to Bucky, who also drank.Then Steve pushed Bucky’s shirt and black suit jacket to the floor in one fluid movement.

Bucky’s hair had been half pulled back into a bun.Steve ran his fingers up from the base of Bucky’s skull to where the elastic was holding Bucky’s hair in place and pulled it out roughly, making Bucky moan and tip his head back at the pull.Steve nipped at Bucky’s jaw again as he unbuttoned Bucky’s pants.Once his pants and underwear were around his ankles, Steve picked Bucky up and laid him on the bed.

They had prepared the bed in advance with silky sheets, fuzzy blankets, and rose petals.Steve grabbed the bottle of champagne and climbed on top of Bucky, pushing him down with one hand and using the other to drink from the bottle.“Open,” Steve said.Bucky opened his mouth, allowing Steve to slowly pour champagne into it.Steve set the bottle down on the nightstand— it was half empty now— and traced Bucky’s lips with a finger as Bucky swallowed.

Steve shifted off of Bucky and onto his side on the bed, pulling Bucky close.They tangled their legs together and kissed, their hands exploring each other’s bodies, their breathing in sync.They began to grind against each other with need.

“I’m going to finger you,” Steve said suddenly, his voice rough.“I’m going to massage your prostate until you’re on the verge of coming.I’m not gonna let you come, though, Darling.I’m gonna make you wait until my own cock is buried so deep inside of you that you can’t remember your own name.That’s when you’re gonna come, Baby,” he added with a growl, “when the only name you can think of is _mine_.”

“_Steve_,” Bucky gasped, his eyes closing and body arching at just the prospect of Steve doing that to him.

Steve pushed Bucky onto his back and began to lube his fingers.“I’m not gonna let you rest though, Love,” Steve continued in his dark growl.“Once I’ve filled that tight little hole of yours with my cum I’m going to eat it all out again.I’m gonna lick you open again and again until you’re hard and begging for me.And then,”Steve paused as he roughly inserted a finger into Bucky, making Bucky whine with discomfort and need.“Then,” he continued, his voice dropping to a whisper against Bucky’s ear as he slid in a second finger, “You can do whatever you like to me.”

Bucky didn’t get a chance to answer, because Steve found his prostate and began to work his fingers mercilessly.Steve slipped a third finger in, and then a fourth, and then his tongue went in too, and Bucky was falling to pieces under Steve’s ministrations.

“I’m gonna—“ Bucky gasped, grasping at the base of his cock to try and stop the orgasm ready to rip through him.Steve immediately pulled away, leaving Bucky empty, and Bucky whined.

“Don’t worry, my love,” Steve promised as he lubed his dick, “Daddy’s gonna fill you right back up again.

“_Steve_,” Bucky moaned.He grabbed a couple pillows and positioned them under his hips.They both knew that this angle would make it easier for Steve to thrust deeper and harder.

Since romance was the goal of the evening, Steve stayed as close as he could to Bucky while he slid into Bucky’s ass.He covered Bucky in kisses as he slowly circled and rolled his hips, stretching and teasing Bucky’s colon.Then Steve bit Bucky’s collarbone, almost hard enough to draw blood, at the same time as he began to pump in and out of Bucky faster.

“Daddy!” Bucky yelled, overcome with sensation.“Daddy, please— Steve, I need— I _need_,” Bucky begged, tears coming to his eyes.

“You can come, Baby,” Steve panted, a sheen of sweat beginning to cover his face and chest.“Come for me, my love.Let me see your beautiful face.”

“_Steve_!” Bucky ejaculated.Semen spilled onto Bucky’s stomach and chest, the milky whiteness contrasting with Bucky’s coarse black hair.Steve came soon after, his hips stuttering, a loud, deep groan on his lips.He fell onto his forearms and began to cover Bucky’s face in kisses.

“You’re so beautiful, Buck, so good, I’m so lucky,” Steve panted, his lips on Bucky’s skin.

“Oh Stevie,” Bucky said softly, his voice cracking, “Can’t you see that I’m the lucky one?”He reached up for Steve’s hair and ran a hand over the back of Steve’s head softly, coming to rest with his thumb on Steve’s jaw.Steve just slipped out of Bucky’s grasp and kissed his way down, licking cum off of Bucky’s chest and stomach on his way down to Bucky’s ass, making good on his promise to eat Bucky out.

“Barnes-Rogers?Steven and James?” the hotel clerk asked.

“That's right,” Bucky said, grinning at Steve.Steve grinned back.

“Alright, here’s your key.No smoking, no pets, breakfast is from seven to nine.Pool closes at ten.Mahalo and enjoy your stay,” the hotel clerk continued.She sounded incredibly bored.

Steve and Bucky wheeled their luggage past potted tropical plants and into the elevator.“So here’s what I’m thinking,” Steve said with a grin once the elevator doors had shut, ensuring they were alone.“Sex first, followed by an after-sex cigarette, and then we go adopt a puppy.”

Bucky laughed.“Is it bad that I am so ok with all of those things?” he asked Steve.“Except I’d rather wait until the end of our trip to adopt a puppy, because I don’t want to be responsible for anything during our honeymoon except for your orgasms,” Bucky continued with a wink.He cupped Steve’s face with his flesh hand before running his metal finger down Steve’s neck, ending just under Steve’s collar.Steve shivered.Bucky began to cover Steve’s bearded jaw in kisses.

“Dr. James Buchanan Barnes-Rogers, you are the best worst decision I have ever made in my entire life,” Steve moaned.

“Steven Grant Barnes-Rogers, you are definitely the worst best decision I’ve ever made,” Bucky sighed into Steve’s beard.

Later that night, Steve and Bucky agreed that the best after-sex cigarettes were clandestine ones shared by newlywed husbands on the deck of their hotel room as the sun set over the ocean.


End file.
